Jokes

What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? A thought.

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited - she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband. "Hi Hon," he says. "How do you like your new phone?" She replies, "I just love it. It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell. There's one thing I don't understand though." "What's that, baby?" asks the husband. "How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

Chuck Norris is under contract with Zales and DeBeer not to eat coal.

A trucker stops at a red light and a blonde catches up to him. She knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load. " The trucker just ignores her, the light changes, and he proceeds down the street. At the next light, the blonde again catches up and says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load. " He ignores her again and continues down the street. At the next red light the blonde catches up, all out of breath, knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load. " The trucker looks at her and finally he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's snowing, and I'm driving a salt truck. "

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? I wonder if it's mine.

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde. As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!" Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl." "Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."

Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them.

What is the difference between a blonde and a washing machine? A washing machine doesn't follow you around for three weeks after you dump your load into it.

The blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor in disgust took a paper sack with a hole to see through, and put it on her head to cover up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face. “Look,” said the doctor, “there’s no need to get upset about getting glasses.” “I know,” agreed the blonde, “But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames.”

Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown. She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road. "Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep. "I'll take this one," she says proudly. "It's the cutest!" "Hey lady," says the shepherd, "if I guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

A blonde walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Can I have a burger and fries?" She replies, "Sorry, this is a library." The blonde whispers, "Oh, sorry. May I have a burger and fries?"

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all die. In order to get into heaven though, they must go up 100 steps, each containing a joke. The trick is that they must not laugh. The brunette goes first and laughs at the first step and is sent to hell. The redhead goes next and makes it to the seventh step before she laughs. Finally, it’s the blondes turn. She gets all the way to the 99th step before she laughs. God asks her, “You were so close, why did you laugh?” and she responds, “I just got the first joke!”

Anant got on a plane and sat next to a blonde, after sitting for awhile she sneezed, took out a tissue and whipped her box. Anant not knowing her said nothing and went about his business. After about 3 or 4 minutes she sneezed again and , the same thing, whipped her box! Finally,Anant got the nerve and asked " what was wrong?" She said that ever time she sneezes she has an orgasm! Oh! Anant said, are you taking anything for it? Yes,she said ---- black pepper!!!

A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were atop a 5 story building when a genie appeared and told them to run to the edge, jump off, and name anything they want to become. the brunette ran, jumped off, and said butterfly, the redhead ran jumped and said eagle, the blonde ran tripped over the edge and said "ah shit!"

A blonde finds a lamp with a genie inside. He says, "I will grant you three wishes." The blonde says, "For my first wish, I want my love handles to disappear." The genie replies, "Your wish is my command." Suddenly, the blonde exclaims, "Holy sh*t! What did you do with my ears?"

Did you hear about the blonde who ran out of room to write on a transparency sheet? She turned it over and used the other side!

2 cops were chasing 3 girls by a barn. A brunette, blonde, and red head. The brunette jumped in with the cows, the red jumped in with the pigs, and the blonde jumped behind a sack of potatoes. The cops went to the cows and said hello, any body in there? The brunette went, moo! moo! Then the cops went over to the pigs and said, hello any body in there? The red went oink oink oink! Then they went over by the sack of potatoes and they said, hello any body over there? The blonde went potato potato potato!

Q: How did a blonde get a job at a prestigious country club? A: She told them she was good at handling members.

A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, "I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?" "Why sure," said the manager, "We have something that works especially well for that." A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing and he heard another voice. "No, no! A little to the left," said the other blonde inside the car.

How do you keep a blonde busy all day? Write ‘Please turn over’ on both sides of a piece of paper.

A blonde woman decides that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, "For best results, put on two coats."

Q: What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket? A: A rebel without a clue.

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger. First Blonde: "I can't seem to get this door unlocked!"  Second Blonde: "Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down!"

Q: What's a blonde's definition of socialism? A: Partying!

Q: Why are E.T.s eyes so big? A: Because he saw the phone bill. Q: Why couldn’t the blond pass her drivers test? A: Every time the car stopped she jumped in the backseat. Q: What’s the difference between a terrorist and a wife? A: You can negotiate with the terrorist! Q: What does a blond and a turtle have in common? A: When they lay on their backs they’re screwed! Q: Why don’t blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts? A: Cause their balls show! Q: What do you call a man that marries another man? A: Minister Q: What do blondes and spaghetti have in common? A: They both wiggle when you eat them. Q: What is the difference between a vulture and your mother-in-law? A: Vultures wait until your dead to pick on you. Q: Why are blonde jokes so short? A: So men can remember them! Q: Why is it so hard for women to find kind, sweet,sensitive men in this world? A: Because they already have boyfriends! Q: Why did the woman cross the road?Who cares? A: What the hell was she doing out of the kitchen?!!

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless." With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll?" The other answers, "I don’t know, I thought you were watching."

"Out in the sea a ship sank. The only survivors were a brunette, a red head and a blonde. The only choice they had was to swim 100 metres back to shore. The brunette left first and swam 70 metres but she drowned. The red head left second and swam 80 metres but she drowned. The blonde was last and she swam 50 metres but she got tired and swam back."

How do you confuse a blonde? Put her in a circle and tell her to go to the corner.

What do you call a smart blonde? A Golden Retriever