Jokes

An Indian Mystery revealed Finally someone has cleared this up for me… For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian High Commission in Canberra has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won:- A - Taxi licence in Adelaide B - Convenience store in Melbourne C- Service station in Perth, D- Kebab shop in Brisbane E- Take away cafe in Sydney If there is nothing there, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice to Telstra and Optus customers in Australia.

Sardar goes to Australia and goes to Woolworths, the grocery store. He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out. The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks Sardar to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. Sardar goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food. Next week Sardar finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks Sardar to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. Sardar goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.. Next week Sardar comes to Woolworths with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag. The Manager puts his hand in the bag and immediately takes it out.. He shouts at Sardar, What the Fcuk is this?! Is this sh1t you Bastard?!? And Sardar calmly replies: Yes, and I want to buy toilet paper.

My dream job of driving trucks in Australia turned into a nightmare when I broke down in the outback hundreds of miles from civilisation. After three days the water ran out and started drinking my own urine. After another three days I could no longer recycle my piss and realised I was out of options and had to accept the inevitable. So I opened some of the Fosters I was delivering.

There once was a plumber named Lee Who was plumbing a girl by the sea. Said she, “Please stop plumbing, I think someone’s coming!” Said he, “Yes I know, love, it’s me.” -------------- There was a young girl from Devizes Who had breasts of different sizes. One was so small, Really nothing at all, The other was huge, it won prizes. -------------- A worried young man from Kabul Founds lots of red circles on his tool. Said the doctor, a cynic, “Get out of my clinic; Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!” -------------- A mathematician named Hall Has a hexahedronical ball. And the cube of its weight Times his pecker’s, plus eight Is his phone number, give him a call. --------------- There was an old woman from Australia Who painted her arse like a dahlia. The colors were fine, the art devine, The aroma, alas, was a failure. --------------- There once was a man from Kent Whose cock was so long it was bent. To stay out of trouble, He stuck it in double, And instead of coming, he went. --------------- There once was a woman from Reno Who lost all her money at keno. She laid on her back, And opened her crack, And now she owns the casino. --------------- There was this lady from Niger, Who smiled as she rode on a tiger. They returned from the ride, With the lady inside And the smile on the face of the tiger.            

The Aussie, the Yank and the Canadian were having a bullsh1t session on this cruise ship. The Aussie said, “In Australia we have sheep that are so big they take all day to be shorn.” The Yank said, “That’s nothing, in Texas our cattle are so big the steaks have to be turned with a fork lift.” The Canadian said, “That’s nothing, we have women with pussies this big.” (He then stretched his hands so wide it’d do the biggest fish justice.) “I can’t believe you mate” the Aussie remarked. “How do you screw them then?” asked the Yank. “They stretch man, they stretch.”

Shortly before his death, Don Bradman, who famously averaged 99.94 in cricket Tests for Australia, was asked what he thought his average would be against the then poor England team. “About 50 or 60,” he replied, after thinking for a minute. “Surely it would be much higher?” queried the interviewer. “Oh, I don’t know,” said Bradman, “I am ninety-two.”

Cricket Australia. Sponsored by Immodium. Stopping you from getting the runs.

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!" Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?" "Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks. "Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn’t send that one, either." Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?" Abe answers, "They’ll find us!"

Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Australia? A: God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed," the woman replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."

Girlfriend pregnant error... Abort, Marry, Ignore?

A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents’ room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all they were worth. “DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing?” “It’s ok,” his father replied. “Your mother wants a baby, that’s all.” The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face. Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving oral gratification to his father. “DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing now?” “Son, there’s been a change of plan,” his father replied. “Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW.”

How did the live baby escape from a room filled with with zombie babies? He ate his way out.

Why are test tube babies the most beautiful ones? Because they're hand made.

The best thing about trying to name a baby is realizing how many people you hate.

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

Which is the only day you you are safe in a cannibal village? Sitter days (when they eat the baby-sitter instead)!

What did the Asian parents name their retarded baby. Sum ting wong.

A scoutmaster asked one of his troop what good deed he had done for the day. "Well, Skip," said the scout, "Dad had only one bottle of beer left, so I let my baby brother have it."

What do you call a baby potato? A small fry.

What is funnier than a zombie baby hanging from a ceiling fan? Hitting it with a shovel when it comes around.

What is a baby? "A soft pink thing that makes a lot of noise at one end and has no sense of responsibility at the other."

Q: What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby's crib? A: A snowmobile!

Mr. Wilson comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck. "I have great news. I’m a month overdue. I think we’re going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can’t tell anybody.” The next day, Mrs. Wilson receives a telephone call from AEC (Atlanta Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid. “Am I speaking to Mrs. Wilson?” “Yes. Speaking.” AEC guy, “You’re a month overdue, you know!” “How do YOU know?” stammers the young woman. “Well, ma’am, it’s in our files!” says the AEC guy. “What are you saying? It’s in your files. HOW?” “Yes. We have a system of finding out who’s overdue.” “GOD! This is too much.” “Madam, I am sorry. I am following orders. I have to inform you are overdue.” “I know that. Let me talk to my husband about this tonight. He will speak to your company tomorrow.” That night, she tells her husband about the call, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to AEC office the next day morning. “What’s going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?” the husband shouts. “Just calm down,” says the lady at the reception at AEC, “It’s nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.” “PAY you? And if I refuse?” “Well, in that case, sir, we’d have no option but to cut yours off.” “And what would my wife do then?” the husband asks. “I don’t know. I guess she’d have to use a candle.

Yo' mama so fat, when she was a baby, she took a bath with a rubber albatross.

Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week? Because the text on the nappies package said "18-40 lbs".

What's blue and flies around the room at high speeds? A baby with a punctured lung.

What's red and sits in a corner? A baby playing with a razor blade.

I got home to see my two months pregnant wife crouched in the bathroom crying. Her red, smudged eyes looked at me as she told me she'd lost the baby. I told the silly thing not to be so upset, I could clearly see it in the toilet.

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach ad say "Congrats!". But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!". Moral: Hard work is never appreciated, only result matters...