Jokes

Two girl sprinters are training for the 100 metres race. One says to the other: "You won't believe this, but I've just run 100 metres in 10 seconds." The other says: "But that's impossible, that's the world record." So the other says: "Ah hah, but I took a short cut."

Jamaica has named Usain Bolt its Sportsman of the Year. In related news, the island has also made Michael Phelps an honorary citizen.

Fan: "I see you won a silver medal at the Olympics. What's it for?¨" Athlete: "It's for telling knock knock jokes." Fan: "And what's that gold medal for?" Athlete: "For stopping."

Q: Why was the blonde jogging backwards? A: She wanted to gain weight!

Did you hear about the hopeless athlete? He ran a bath and came in second.

Jack: "What's the name of the fastest dinosaur at the Olympics?" Jill: "I haven't a clue. What?" Jack: "Prontosaurus."

An elderly patient needs a heart transplant and discusses his options with his doctor. The doctor says, ‘We have three possible donors. One is a young, healthy athlete. The second is a middleaged businessman who never drank or smoked, and the third is an attorney who just died after practising law for 30 years.’ ‘I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,’ says the patient. ‘Why?’ asks the doctor. The patient replies, ‘It’s never been used.’

"I have the body of an athlete." "Better give it back. You're getting it out of shape."

Why did the bald man take up running? To get some fresh 'air.

Who was the fastest runner? Adam. He was first in the human race.

The ladies say I'm like Usain Bolt in the bedroom... I usually wear a yellow and green vest.

Oh, you play racquetball? You must be extremely athletic.

You're not alone. Sometimes, even Usain Bolt feels like he's running in circles.

Light was heard saying to his son, "Keep practicing and one day you will be faster than the speed of Usain."

Interesting  Year 1981 1.  Prince Charles got married. 2.  Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of  Europe. 3.  Australia  lost the Ashes. 4.  The Pope died. Interesting  Year 2005 1. Prince Charles got  married. 2.  Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of  Europe. 3.  Australia  lost the Ashes. 4.  The Pope died. Lesson  to be learned:  The  next time Charles gets married, someone should  warn the  Pope.

So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.

It’s interesting to know that in Australia on average you are twice as likely to get killed by a terrorist than by a cricket ball.

Can’t believe I wasn’t allowed to emigrate to Australia because of my criminal record. You’d think they’d be more understanding given the history.

I met my now girlfriend in Poland last year and she came all the way back to Australia to live with me. She’s getting better with her English and said “Dave, I be going out with some new friend I got last yesterday.” Poor sweet thing, I had to correct her and say “No you’re f*cking not.”

A Texan is visiting Australia for the first time; He sees a sheep and starts laughing; he says to his Australian guide " oh, at home in Texas, sheep are twice as big!" He then sees a cow ands bursts " Puff, in Texas, our cows are much, much bigger!" And suddenly, he sees a kangaroo and asks, "What's that?" the guide answers " oh, that's just a grasshopper...”

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers. The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone. He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low." The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together." The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother." The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine -- I just quit drinking."

A Chinese man decided  to retire and move to Australia after 50 years  of living in Shanghai. He bought a small piece of land . A few days after moving in,the friendly Aussie neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these ‘Chinese customs’, he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day. The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another ‘Chinese custom’, he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way,…pause…., and then put his left ear next to the bull’s butt. The Aussie bloke can’t handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, ‘Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood, and see you running around the yard after hens.The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull’s butt, it could just about sh1t on you.’ The Chinese man is very taken back and says, ‘Sorry sir, you no understand, these no … Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.’ ‘What do you mean mate’ says the Aussie, ‘Those aren’t Australian customs.’ Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me’ replied the Chinese man,’He say to become true Australian, I must learn to….. chase chicks,….. get piss drunk, and …. listen to bull-sh1t.’

TEACHER : What is further away, Australia or the Moon? Pupil : Australia, you can see the Moon at night.

I read that when you flush a toilet in Australia, the water goes the opposite way to toilets in England. That must make one hell of a mess.

If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.

We live in Perth, Australia, and the missus decided for the first time to wear a Burka for a week just to see what the reaction would be. The first morning she was sworn at, punched on the nose, kicked up the arse, and received death threats. Heaven knows what’s going to happen when she leaves the house

A doctor from Israel says: “In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work.” The German doctor comments: “That’s nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person’s head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work.” A Russian doctor says: “That’s nothing either.  In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person’s chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work.” The Australian doctor answers immediately: “That’s nothing fellas, you’re way behind us….in OZ, …We grabbed a female spinster atheist, size 34-40-54, with balls, a wooden heart, speaks like a mortician, bobs her head like a chook, waves her hands like a ventriloquist, spends money like its going out of fashion…..and….we made her Prime Minster of  Australia and very soon …..the whole bloody country will be looking for work!!!!!!”

A flight is on its way to Sydney, Australia when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.” The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.” The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason. The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.” He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney.”

“What’s the rugby score?” I shouted to my wife from the kitchen. “Well, England were winning, but Australia are scoring a point every second,” she shouted. “The score’s the one above the timer,” I shouted back.

  Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as  aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Dave said, ‘Man, I wish we had something to drink!’ Jim says, ‘Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.  You wanna try it?’ So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed. The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT!   NO hangover!   NO bad side effects.   Nothing! Then the phone rings.  It’s Jim.  Jim says, ‘Hey, how do you feel this morning?’ Dave says, ‘I feel great, how about you?’ Jim says, ‘I feel great, too.  You don’t have a hangover?’ Dave says, ‘No that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing.  We ought to do this more often.’ ‘Yeah, well there’s just one thing.’ ‘What’s that?’ ‘Have you farted yet?’ ‘No.’ ‘Well, DON’T - cause I’m in New Zealand!’