Jokes

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." The Mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!" The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use three english words in a sentence. The three words are 'green,' 'pink,' and 'yellow.'" The Mexican man thinks , then says, "Hmmm, okay. The phone, it went green, green, green. I pink it up and sez yellow?"

What do you call a black woman who got an abortion? A member of crimestoppers of america

Crazy USA Laws …2 … Bingo games cannot last more than 5 hours (North Carolina) … … In Quitman, Georgia, Chickens are not allowed to cross the road … (Well there go a thousand jokes!) … … Policemen are allowed to bite a dog if they think it will calm the dog down (Paulding, Ohio) … … If you cut down a cactus, you could be sentenced to 25 years in prison. (Arizona) You may not sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday (Rhode Island) In Texas, it’s illegal to sell your eyeballs. It’s against the law to sing off-key in North Carolina. In Alaska it is illegal to whisper in someone’s ear while they’re moose hunting.

I married a lawyer, which I know sounds very impressive. Every girl dreams, when they grow up, they're gonna marry a doctor, marry a lawyer. But me, I had to marry the only lawyer in America with a conscience. I didn't marry the cutthroat, ruthless, gimme-all-your-money lawyer. No, I married the pay-me-what-you-can-whenever-you-can-I-just-want-to-see-justice-served lawyer. I got so ripped off, ladies and gentlemen. Do you know what it's like? It's like I finally banged a rock star, but he's with a Christian band.

My twin sons Craig and Stuart are going to America to audition on the X factor when it starts over there. “Hi, i’m Craig Towers, and i’m Stuart Towers… and together we’re Twin Towers” I’ve got a feeling they’ll go down well.

Chuck Norris once had a yard sale of his old childhood items such as his baby rattle, frisbee, and his class ring. We know these lucky buyers as Thor, Captain America, and the Green Lantern.

I was over in the Middle East in November. And I'm hanging out with a cousin, and he's driving us around, showing us the city and Cairo. Arabs are all anti-American right now. I witnessed it first hand. I'm over there and I'm driving around with him, and he's just like, 'Believe me, cousin, America is very bad. They're weak, very weak. America, they think they own everything. C'mon, they will fall. America just a paper tiger. They will fold. Yeah, yeah -- you hungry? You want something to eat? We have McDonald's, Pizza Hut, Applebee's -- you like Applebee's?'

A businessman returns from the far east. After a few days he notices stange growth on his penis. He sees several doctors. They all say: "You've been screwing around in the Far East, very common there, no cure. We'll have to cut it off." The man panics, but figures if it is common in the East they must know how to cure it. So he goes back and sees a doctor in Pakistan. The doctor examines him and says, "You've been fooling around in my country. This is a very common problem here. Did you see any other doctors?" The man replies, "Yes a few in the USA." The doctor says, "I bet they told you it had to be cut off." The man answers, "Yes!" The doctor smiles, nods, "That is not correct. It will fall off by itself."

O nce upon a time. Little Red Riding Hood’s mother (being concerned about the increase in violence in rural America) gave Little Red a .45 caliber gun for protection. Little Red kept this gun in her basket. One summer day while on the way to her grandmothers house, a big bad wolf jumped out from behind a tree and howled “I’m going to fcuk your brains out!” Little Red pulled out her gun from the basket and calmly replied: “Oh no you’re not, you’re going to eat me like the story says.”

This Clown Craze has gone too far. I mean think about it Donald Trump President of America

Trump and Hillary are on the same plane. Plane crashes, who survives? America

GUN CONTROL Barack Obama was at a rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, and asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence. Then he said into the microphone, ‘Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.’ Then, little Richard Earl , with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: “Well, dumb-ass, stop clapping!”

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

I have solved America's gun crime issue. I said to my American friend: "Why don't you solve your murder problem by getting rid of all guns?" He said: "Yo dude, guns don't kill people. People kill people." Well there you have it. Just get rid of all americans.

Typical good start to the Ryder Cup from America - Arnold Palmer, one under

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was not perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him to arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: Have you any grounds? Yes, an acre and half and nice little home. No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It made of concrete. I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? No, we have carport, and not need one. I mean what are your relations like? All my relations still in Poland . Is there any infidelity in your marriage? We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player. Does your wife beat you up? No, I always up before her. Is your wife a nagger? No, she white. Why do you want this divorce? She going to kill me. What makes you think that? I got proof. What kind of proof? She going to poison me………………….. .She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it say: ‘POLISH REMOVER

World: We’re gonna use the scale where 0° is freezing and 100° is boiling. America: Cool, we’re gonna use the one that doesn’t make sense.

Teacher:Maria please point to America on the map. Maria:This is it. Teacher:Well done. Now class, who found America? Class:Maria did.

Teacher: Who succeeded the first President of the USA? Class: The second one!

If you're black in America, you're relatively well-spoken, well-dressed, well-educated, sooner or later you can count on one of your white contemporaries -- with the very best of intentions -- turning to you and saying something along the lines of, 'You know what? You are so damn cool. Sometimes, I actually have trouble remembering that you're black. No, I mean that. Sometimes I really forget that you're black.' Yeah, well, let me marry your sister, and I'm sure it will pop right back into your mind.

A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing. "These," she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"

A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks, “What do they do here?” He told,”First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day.” The man does not like the sound of that at all,so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell. Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, “What do they do here?” He told, “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day.” “But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?” “Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work,someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen!!!!!!

It’s the first day of school and the teacher thought she’d get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living. The first little girl says: “My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman.” The next little boy says: “I’m Andy and my Dad is a mechanic.” Then one little boy says: “My name is Jimmy and my father is a loser who prefers to lay on the couch all day and watch TV, while Mom goes off to work to support us.” The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the schoolyard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true what he had said about his father. He blushed and said, “I’m sorry but my dad plays hockey for Team USA, and I was just too embarrassed to say so.”

The president of Mexico back, in the 80’s, locked in the entire senate one good day. “No one leaves till we have a solution to our crumbling economy!!” 3 days they discussed plans, but to no avail. Finally, on day 4, one congressmen stands up and excitedly announces he has a plan!!! “We’ll declare war on the USA.” he announced “WHY would we want to do THAT?” asked the shocked president. “Well,” explained the young man, “then they’ll invade us and we will become THEIR problem. We”ll be added to their welfare, the food stamps, the unemployment…see????” The room exploded with men and women agreeing with the plan, but the President looked unconvinced… “What is wrong with the plan?” asked the Vice president “Well… it is all fine and good… but what happens if we win??

A new scientific study has found that Americans are the fattest group of people on the planet. Chasing the ‘American Dream’ does not count as exercise America.

I'm tired of hearing about how America's a bully. America is not a bully. Bullies beat you up and take your money, and that is not what America does. America gives you money -- and then we beat you up. We're the mob. We just kinda wait for the check to clear, then we show up going, 'Hey, you got a real nice f**king country here. Be a shame if something happened to it.'

Tonight on the 6:00 news, a recent poll by "USA Today" showed that 9 out of 10 people said that out of 10 people, 1 person will always disagree with the other 9!

Earth without "art" is just "eh". And The United States of America without "heunedtatesam" is just "Tits of Erica".

Four million of these people enter our country - our beloved USA - every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they’re dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON’T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!! (…But I still love babies.)