Jokes

Healthcare in America is too expensive, ain't it? It's too expensive for the average person. What if you below average with no insurance? You might as well call Dr. Kevorkian.

It's morning in America, so how about waking up my pants?

Wife: I am going to Brazil. What gift do you want? Husband: A Brazilian girl. Wife: Alright. (Wife returns to USA) Husband: Where's my gift? Wife: Wait 9 months.

Donald Trump is starting a petition to stop the sale of pre-shredded cheese. He’s very serious about trying to make the USA grate again.

Three friends married women from different parts of the world…. The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away…. The second man married a Thai woman. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table… . The third man married a girl from the USA. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal… . He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher… . He still has some difficulty when he pees.

At a government affair, the wives of four world leaders are chatting about how people refer to a penis in their countries. The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering. The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side. The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act. With great resignation, the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth…

A Chinese Man walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, “You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbour , get outta here.” The astonished Chinese man replied, “It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour , it was the Japanese”. “Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same,” replied Spielberg. In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, “You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.” Shocked, Spielberg replies, “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.” The Chinese replies, “Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you’re all the same

Barack Obama was elected president of the USA because Chuck Norris said so. He remind him of Trivette...

America dropped Chuck Norris into North Korea, starting a nuclear war.

Q: Why are there no knock knock jokes about America? A: Because freedom rings!

A boy from France comes to America. He wants to learn some new words so he goes to the airport and learns "take off." Then he learnes "zebra" from the zoo and "baby" from the hospital. Then he goes home and says, ''Mommy, I learned new words today.'' She says, "Great, honey what did you learn?" He says, ''Takeoffzebrababy!''

MAGA, Morons Are Governing America.

30000 battered women in America, and all this time I've been eating them plain!

Yo momma ass is so hairy its like Don King is about to jump out and shout "ONLY IN AMERICA!"

Don’t worry America. Kanye West 2020 will fix everything.

Anyone really that surprised that USA’s first gold medal at the Rio Olympics involves shooting a gun?

My brother wants to go on that show 'America's Got Talent.' I'm like, 'What the hell are you gonna do on there? You ain't got no talent.' He's goes, 'I can rip a phone book in half with my bare hands.' 'You live in a town of 47, you moron. That ain't a phone book, that's a pamphlet.'

In the USA, what’s the most popular red wine?? …. …. We want our land back!!

A man walks up to a cashier in a grocery store. He says, "Hey, how much for these jalapeño peppers?" He pronounces it "jo-la-pen-o", not "ho-lo-peen-yo". The cashier says, "Sir, that's not what those peppers are called." The man replies, "Listen, buddy, this is America, and I can pronounce any word the way I please." The cashier responds, "That is as may be, sir, but those are green peppers."

America's getting more and more culturally diverse every day, man. It's beautiful, man. We're trying to get along. We're good people. That's why I hate it when the president says the world hate us. Every time I see him on TV, 'The world hates us and our freedom.' And I'm like, 'Us? It's you!'

The population of America is 300 million. 160 million are retired. That leaves 140 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school. Which leaves 55 million to do the work. Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government. Leaving 20 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing TERRORISTS !! Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work. Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are, Sitting on your ass, At your computer, reading jokes..

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

In America, they say it's 10:00 do you know where your children are?

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said, "I am Stephen King , the best selling author of my time... My millions of fans need me , and i can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the planernThe 2nd passenger , Barack Hussein Obama, said , "I am the 44th President of the United States, and I am the smartest President in American history , so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.rnThe 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son , I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The little boy said , "That's okay , Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America's smartest President took my schoolbag."

Nancy Pelosi - “I’ve decided to make a dessert, It’s called a USA downside up cake. I have to bake it before I read the recipe.”

After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's ball-related recreational preferences: The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is basketball. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is football. The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball. The sport of choice for middle management is tennis. The sport of choice for corporate officers is golf. Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

What do you call an intelligent man in America? A tourist.

3 europeans come to America. They all get captured by native americans and they want to kill them. But the europeans beg to have their lives spared. The native americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: the europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The native american says "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass and he laughs, and the native americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The native american tells him the same thing. He laughs and the native american kills him. They both see eachother in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy so thats why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yea I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are on the same plane. The plane crashes. Who survives? America.

It's time for the employees of my local video store and the rest of the citizenry of the United States of America to recognize who I am -- I'm Jerk-Happy Bob.