Jokes

You got Hillary running for senate. Yeah, that's what America needs -- another white male senator.

USA's been so good at the Olympics, it's trumped the rest!

Three Chinese named Chu, Bu, and Fu went to America. Upon reaching there they decided to Americanize their names. So Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck… and Fu decided to return to China.

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says “Sorry, you know the law, you’ve got to go back across the border right now.” The Mexican man pleads with them, “No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!” The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I’m going to make it hard for him and says “Ok, I’ll let you stay if you can use 3 English words in a sentence”. The Mexican man of course agrees. The Border Patrol Agent tells him, “The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence.” The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, “Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green,… I Pink it up, and sez Yellow?”

I love magicians. Who’s that guy in America who made those landmarks disappear? Oh right, yeah, Bin Laden.

If you think things are bad in America now…….. just wait till Trump watches The Purge.

A blonde is on holiday and she wallks into an internet cafe to send an e-mail to her mum in America. She doesn't know how to work the computers so she goes up to the guy on the desk and says: "Excuse me could you help me send an e-mail to my mum?" The guy says "Yeh, but it will cost ya" And the blonde says "Sure i'll do anything for my mum" The guy says: "In that case follow me" So she follows him into the back room and he pushes her down onto her knees, he unzips his trousers and pulls down his boxers and says: "Well go on then you said you'd do anything!" So she picks up his dick, holds it to her mouth and says: "Hello.........mum are you there?"

Does anyone else get these little local Gazettes about what is happening in their subdivision or block or small town? I was reading in one such newspaper about a 15 year-old blonde girl who was ousted from the local chapter of the Future Farmers of America. She couldn’t keep her calves together.

Why is america collecting so much coal? they are putting BARACK OBAMA on Mount Rushmore, But That Will NEVER Happen

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

Three Chinese brothers, Bu, Chu, and Fu, want to illegally live in America. The brothers decide to change their names to seem American. Bu changes his name to Buck.  Chu changes his name to Chuck. And Fu got sent back to China

The FBI in America sent a photograph of a wanted criminal. The photo was in three poses - front face and two sideshots. They said: “We believe this criminal is in Ireland, keep a lookout for him.” Two weeks later the Irish police sent back a message to the FBI, with the photograph, which read: “We got the fella in the middle but we’re still looking for the other two!”

BREAKING NEWS :- Police are actively seeking to speak to anyone who has seen Kim Kardashian’s Ring..??? Well, besides Me, all of China, the USA, Asia and Europe, basically most of the people on the Planet then, have seen it at least once..

When Columbus discovered America, Chuck Norris has already worked there as Texas ranger.

What is the biggest city in America ? Obesity.

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke. 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Q:What's the most dangerous job in America? A: The graveyard shift at a KFC in the projects.

After a number of meetings and discussions, a blonde 18-year-old was dismissed from FFA, the Future Farmers of America group. She couldn’t keep her calves together.

My grandparents once told me... "Son be grateful for what you have, because there are fat people starving in America."

A U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California. The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?" One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and replies, "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800s." The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter. When the captain was finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?" The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"

I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley - the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in the history of Earth. And now, you're in your Vegas years. You've squeezed yourself into a white jumpsuit, you're wheezing your way through 'Love Me Tender' and you might be about to pass away bloated on the toilet. But you're still the King.

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media. When everyone knows that America is the best country in the world.

Which is the most confusing day in America? Father's day! 80% don't know whom to wish. Rest 20% are scared someone will come and wish them.

Only in America ... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

The president of the USA lives in the White House. Chuck Norris lives in the Roundhouse.

Do you guys know that to hang out with you, we pretend we understand football? Do you know that faking football has replaced faking the orgasm in America?

Q. Why do Mexico always fail during the Olympic pole vault contest? A. The best jumpers have all moved to the USA.

Comebacks to that all time favorite question "Why Aren't You Married Yet?" 1. You haven't asked yet. 2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life. 3. Because I just love hearing this question. 4. Just lucky, I guess. 5. It gives my mother something to live for. 6. My fiancé is awaiting his/her parole. 7. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America. 8. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon? 9. I'm waiting until I get to be your age. 10. It didn't seem worth a blood test. 11. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you. 12. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating. 13. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses. 14. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund. 15. They just opened a great singles bar on my block. 16. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness. 17. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals. 18. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads? 19. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck. 20. Why aren't you thin? 21. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation. 22. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

Nobody starves in America. People in America die from over eating.

Rush Limbaugh wanted to buy an NFL team. His spectacle for him to see black people hit each other while the white quarterback is being protected. Reminds him of the America he loves.