Jokes

Being airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening Air Lingus​ flight from ​Dublin​, the lead flight attendant​ nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up... one minute prior to take-off, by our catering service..., I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and..., unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals... I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.” When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued..., "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 4 hour flight.” Her next announcement came about 2 hours later... "If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."

There's this blonde. She gets on a plane and sits in the first available seat. The flight attendant is coming around checking tickets. She looks at the blonde woman's ticket and tells the blonde; "ma'am you can't sit here, your ticket says coach and this is first class. please move to the back of the plane" The blonde replies "I'm a blonde, I'm smart and have a good job. I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica" So the flight attendant, now hot under the collar at the blonde's response, goes to another flight attendant and tells him what happened. so he goes up to her and asks her to move to the back of the plane. She then responds "I'm a blonde, I'm smart and have a good job. I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica". So the two flight attendants are steaming mad and they go to the co-pilot and tells him what is going on. He comes back to where the blonde is sitting and leans over and whispers something in her ear. The two flight attendants were astonished when the blonde abruptly got up from her seat and moved to the back of the plane. They looked at each other and then the co-pilot and asked him what he told her. The co-pilot, feeling good about himself told them "oh, this happened a while back with someone else. I just simply told the woman that the front half of the plane wasn't going to Jamaica".

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

Welcome to America- Where being obese is genetics but being gay is a choice.

At my 40th high school reunion a friend asked me, ‘Why didn’t we have a drug problem when we were growing up?’ … …. I replied that I had a drug problem when I was young: … … I was drug to church on Sunday morning. … …. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. …. …. I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather. …. …. I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults. I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the pastor. I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity. I was drug out to pull weeds in mom or grandma’s garden and flower beds. Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin, and if today’s children had this kind of drug problem, the USA would be a better place. God bless the parents who drugged us.

They should make a border between America and Donald Trump

A man went to England on a trip and met a woman there, they grew to like each other enough for her to come to America with the man on his flight home. When they got back to America the man said, “I would like to show you an American pastime: baseball.” So the next day the man took her to a baseball game. The first man came up to the plate and hit the ball to right field and got to first base, the next man bunted the ball and got to first base, and the third man came up to the plate and got walked. The man said, “Are you understanding this game?” The woman answered, “Yes, but what I don't understand is why the thrower hurls the ball at the first man and he hits it. Then he hurls the ball at the second man and he taps it and runs to where the other man was standing. And then the third man, this is the part I don't understand, the thrower hurls the ball and he just stand there, and he hurls the ball at him again and he just stands there, and he hurls the ball at him again and he just stands there, and he hurls the ball at him again and he just stands there then he just walks to the place where the other man was standing.” Then the man says, “Well that is because he has four balls.” The woman says, “Poor thing! He couldn't run if he tried.”

Q: How do you find how many fat people are in America? A: Throw a cookie into the street.

A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?" He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do." So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do." The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Isreal..."

The Russians thought that America was starting a nuclear war when Chuck Norris farted!

Why wasn't Jesus born in the USA? Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

In the USA, the southern states have their rednecks; New York, (where Paddy and Seamus immigrated from Ireland,) and Minnesota, to the north, with three or four dim bulbs called Ollie, Lena and Sven who must have migrated from the Scandanavian countries. … … Ollie answered the phone one day and came back to the living room crying. “Vell, Ollie! Vat in da vorld is da matter?” asks the sympathetic Lena. “I yust had bad news, Lena,” Ollie replied, “My fadder yust died!!” Just then the phone rang again, Ole went to answer it and came back crying again. “Vell, now, Ole, vat is da matter?” asked Lena. “Dat vas my brudder.” said Ole. “His fadder yust died too!”

I’m American, and I’m sick of hearing that America is the stupidest country in the world. …. ….. ….. Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world…

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush', ‘Dick', and ‘Colon'. Need I say more?

Q: What's the difference between America and yogurt? A: If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years, it develops a culture.

Two women have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, ‘I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs.’ ‘Odd,’ her companion replies, ‘but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.’ Nodding emphatically, the older lady points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. ‘Two dogs, please,’ says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the ladies hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their ‘dogs.’ The older lady is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other and whispers …cautiously: ‘What part did you get?

Trust America to name a State after a bucket of fried chicken.

Whats Black and don't work? (49% of the USA)

Question : What is love and explain in details ?.........(40 marks) USA's Student....... Answer: Love is life. (marks : 10 from 40) UK's Student...... Answer : Love is pain. (marks : 10 from 40) Indian Student........Answer : . Definition: A serious disorder of heart due to relationship between men & women that can cause death of 1 or both depending on the resistance associated - TYPES: 1 sided & 2 sided - AGE: Usually occurs in teenages but nowdays can be found in any age - SYMPTOMS: Tension Daydreaming Insomnia Phone Addiction - DIAGNOSIS BY: Diary Photos Mobile -TREATMENT: Anti-LOVE therapy by Father's Shoe or Mother's Sandal...... (marks 40 from 40) Excellent !

Before America can declare war, congress has to ask Chuck Norris.

What’s the difference between the USA and a USB? One connects to all of your devices and accesses the data and the other is a computer hardware standard.

The Supreme Leader of North Korea calls to Obama in the morning and says, “I’m sorry to hear about the terrorist attacks and suitcase bombs that exploded in New York. I wanted to be the first one to call and show my support to America.” …. … After a pause, Obama replies “What attack? I have no news of such attacks yet” …. … A dramatic silence prevails … After a while Obama, hears a voice on phone that sounded like someone shouting, “Shit! I forgot about the time difference.”

Stupid.....But funny... Subject: Funnies Things to make you stop and think 1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in thedriveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Not saying I have a dark sense of humour, but if it went to America it would be shot for resisting arrest.

A married couple touring Israel sat outside at a Bethlehem sidewalk cafe, waiting for their friends. A peddler approached them, his arm loaded with belts. After an impassioned sales plea yielded nothing, he asked where they were from. “America,” the husband replied. Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded, “She’s not from the States.” “Yes, I am,” said the wife. He pointed to her husband and asked her, “Is he your husband?” “Yes.” “Mister, I’ll give you a hundred camels for her.” The husband sat for a long, stunned silence before he replied, “She’s not for sale.” After the salesman left, his indignant wife asked, “What took you so long to answer?” He replied, “I was trying to figure out how I could get a hundred camels back to America!” =

A Paksitani Boy Got Admission In An American School Teacher : Whats Your Name ? Boy : Ahmad Teacher : No, Now You R In America Your Name Is Johny From Today. Boy Went Home. Mom Asked: How Was The Day Ahmad? Boy : Im An American Now Call Me Johnny. Mom & Dad Both Got Offended And Beat Him Up. Next Day He Was Back To School, All Bruised. Teacher :What Happend Johnny? Boy : Ma’am, Just 4 Hours After I Became American, I Was Attacked By Two Pakistanis.

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life. "Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus. "Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!" "No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."

“Are you from America madam?” “You think I am American just because I am a little overweight?” “No madam, it’s because this is Tesco and we don’t sell guns.”

Condom-vending Machines are provided in some restrooms. When it comes to wall-scrawl, these dispensers take as much abuse as the wall above the urinals and the wisdom written in the stalls. Here are samples of what was scratched into the paint of various dispensers in the USA: … … ‘This gum tastes funny.’ … ‘For refund, insert baby.’ … ‘Don’t buy this gum, it tastes like rubber.’ … ‘No glove, no love.’ … ‘No balloon, No party.’

Black Friday: Because only in America, people trample over others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have.