Jokes

Two women are discussing their love lives Jo says: “I have to be careful not to get pregnant.” Jenny looks confused. “But I thought Tony recently had a vasectomy.” “He did.” says Jo. “That’s why I need to be extra careful.”

THE CHASTITY BELT King Arthur was getting ready to go on a quest, but was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all the Horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin the Magician for advice. After explaining his problem to Merlin, the Wizard thought about the problem for a while and then told the king to come back in a week and he would have a solution to the problem. The next week the King returned to Merlin to see the new invention. A Chastity Belt… except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. “This is no good,” said the King “Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect the queen???” “Ah sire, just observe,” said Merlin as he pulled out an old wand that he was going to throw away. Merlin then inserted the wand into the hole in the chastity belt whereupon a guillotine blade came down and cut the wand neatly in two halves. “Merlin you are a genius, now I can leave knowing that my Queen is fully protected,” said the King. After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out on his quest. Several years later the King returned to Camelot. Immediately, the king assembled all the knights of the Round Table into the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for inspection. Sure enough every knight was either amputated or damaged in some way, all except for Sir Galahad. “Sir Galahad, you are the one and only true knight what is in my power to grant thee? Name it and it is yours,” said the King. But Sir Galahad was speechless.

Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his dick after his mistress found the ring in his trouser pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep I don’t know what’s worse: 1) Having your mistress find out you’re married. 2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your dick 3) Or finding out your dick fits through your wedding ring.

It don’t matter if you’re black or white Unless my wife just gave birth to you

Love your neighbor … but don’t get caught.

WOMEN: Prevent your husband from cheating on you by shagging him every now and again

So how do you know whether a girl likes surprises or not ? Well if she likes surprises, she must be dating a black guy who’s also an asian !

Guns don’t kill, husbands that come home early do.

Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he had left his plane ticket on top of his dresser. He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door and walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee. She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and squeezed her left t!t. “Leave only one quart of milk,” she said. “Jon won’t be here for breakfast tomorrow.”

How can you tell when your girlfriend is getting fat? When she can fit into your wife’s clothes!

I’m 27, my BF is 37. Is 10 years too much of an age gap? ’cause his son is 17 and really hot.

Wanting to find out if both his wife and his mistress were being faithful to him, Gary decided to send them on the same cruise and question each one later about the other’s behavior. When his wife returned, he asked her about people on the trip, casually inquiring about the passenger who was his mistress when she mentioned the woman. “Oh, that woman slept with nearly every man on the ship!” his wife reported. Unhappy with this information, Gary planned a rendezvous with his cheating mistress and decided to question her about the trip before confronting her with what he knew. Once again, he carefully inquired about the woman who was his wife after ascertaining that they had met. “She was a real lady,” his mistress said. Gary’s spirits picked up. “Why do you say that?” he asked. “She came on board with her husband and never left his side.”

“For Pete’s sake, I’m getting sick and tired of you accusing me of cheating on you,” said my wife. “Who’s Pete?” I replied.

I slept with my best mate’s wife last night and now I feel terrible. She must have given me a cold or something.

I got chatting with a girl in a bar, “Can I buy you a drink?” I asked. “Have you not got a girlfriend?” she replied, “Guys like you always have girlfriends. “”No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago,” I assured her. “Oh I’m sorry to hear that,” she said, “Go on then, I’ll have a white wine please. A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love. While I was putting my clothes back on she said, “So, you’re good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?” I said, “My wife found out.”

My wife gave birth to our beautiful baby son last week and I feel like the proudest father alive. I’ve just got one question though: At what age do they stop being black?

I saved my mistress’ phone number as ‘LOW BATTERY’. Whenever she calls and I’m not around, the missus takes the phone and plugs it to the charger unknowingly.

My Lawyer said to me “I have some good news and I have some bad news”? “I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first”? I said My lawyer said: “Your wife invested $5,000 in 2 pictures today that she figured were worth a minimum of $5 million”!!!! “Well done, very good news indeed! You’ve just made my day - now what’s the bad news”?? I replied enthusiastically “The pictures are of you screwing your secretary” he said

A man called home to his wife and said, “Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends. We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I’ve been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we’re leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up” “Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.” The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, “Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?” The wife replied, “I did. They’re in your fishing box….

I knocked on my neighbour’s door last night. “Sorry John,” I said, “I know you’ve only just got home from work but I need your help. I can’t get into my house. I was in a rush and my front door key is in my trousers which I’ve left beside the bed.” “Okay, so what do you want me to do then?” he asked. I said, “Go upstairs to your bedroom and get them for me.”

I freaked out my mailman today when I came to the door completely naked. I’m not sure what shocked her more, my naked body, or the fact that I knew where she lived.

I’ve been shagging a set of twins for a couple months. People have asked me how hard it is to tell them apart, but it is actually quite easy. … You see, Caroline is a redhead with an amazing pair of tits, and Frank has a cock.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s pain to the baby’s father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and “kick it up a notch.” The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.

A vagina is like a tin roof … … If you don’t nail it enough, it will end up at the neighbors.

A man 80 years of age married a young lady. A year later he carried her to the hospital, and she had a baby. The nurse said to the man:”At your age, how do you do that?” The man answered, “You just have to keep the motor running.” Another year passes, and the man carries her back to the hospital, another baby. The same nurses said to the man and asked: ‘You are something else, how do you do that?” He said,”I told you that you just have to keep the motor running”. Another year and back tot he hospital for another baby. The same nurse said:”You are unbelievable, how do you do that?!” He said:”You go to keep that motor running.” She answered:”Well, you better change oil, because this one came out black.”

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, “I’m sleeping with the priest’s wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?” The friend doesn’t like it but being a friend, he agrees. After mass, he starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks Mike what he’s really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest, “My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied.” The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike’s shoulder and says, “You’d better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago.”

It’s Saturday night and Ollie is taking his wife Lena out on a date. He gets home, goes upstairs where Lena is standing in the middle of the bedroom naked. … … “Lena, vy are you standing in da middle of da room nekked?” asks Ollie. “Ohh Ollie, I have absolutely nuttin’ ta vear!” …. … Ollie walks over to Lena’s closet and opens it. “Lena! Vut do ya mean you have nuttin’ ta wear? Here’s your white dress, here’s your black dress, Hello Sven, here’s your orange dress..”

Me and my girlfriend just split up well, I still got the wife…

The Ugly Baby …. ….. A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy. …. …. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly ugly baby. He went to his wife and said, “I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.” When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, “Have you been fooling around on me?” His wife confessed, “Not this time.”

A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he grabs the guy and drags him naked down the stairs to the garage. He grabs the guy’s cock, puts it in a vise, screws it down real tight and removes the handle of the vise. Then he rummages around in a drawer until he finds a hacksaw, which he picks up and displays to the terrified man. The man, wide-eyed, screams, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to cut off my dick, are you?” The husband hands him the hacksaw and says: “Nope. You are. I’m setting the garage on fire.”