Jokes

A boy called up his mom from hospital, “Mom, I took tests and they declared that I have AIDS.” Mom, “What? Don’t come back home son, go away.” Boy “Why mom, I’m your son.” Mom, “You foolish boy! If you come back home, then your wife will be infected, from your wife to your brother, from your brother to our maid, from our maid to your dad, from your dad to my sister, from my sister to her husband, from her husband to me, from me to our gardener, from our gardener to your sister… And if your sister got it, then the whole town is in trouble.

A man tells his wife that he’s going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it’s closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he’s in this girl’s apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM. “Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!” he exclaimed. “Quick give me some talcum powder!” She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she’s furious. “Where the hell have you been!” He says, “Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her.” “Let me see your hands!” she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands. “Damn liar, you were out bowling again!

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway. “Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!” I can’t jump out the window!” came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. “It’s raining out there!” “If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” she replied. “He’s got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!” So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon. He started running along beside the others about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to “blend in” as best he could. It wasn’t that effective! After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer. “Do you always run in the nude?” one asked. “Oh yes” he replied, gasping in air. “It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you’re running.” Another runner moved alongside. “Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?” “Oh, yes” our friend answered breathlessly. “That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!” Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. “Do you always wear a condom when you run?” “Only if it’s raining.”

If my son farts or has his hands down his pants, my wife smiles and says, “Like father, like son!” Yesterday we caught him shagging the neighbour, but for some reason it wasn’t funny when I said it.

My wife says she would kill herself if she ever caught me cheating on her. But then again, she promises a lot of things.

My wife said, “Let’s play truth or dare.” I said, “OK… truth.” She said, “Have you ever cheated on me?” I said, “OK… dare.”  

This guy from across the road was talking to me earlier. “My wife’s just told me she’s been having an affair with Dave the milkman,” he confided. “What? That fat ugly fcuker I see every morning outside your house?” “Yes,” he laughed, cheering up. “Why would Dave the milkman want to fcuk that?”

After giving birth to my daughter, my wife said, “I hope you’ll always love me, and only me.” I said, “It’s too late, I already do love someone and she looks just like you.” “Aww, our daughter?” “No, your sister.”

Sven came home to his apartment one night, all upset. “Dat yanitor, vot a bragger. He says he’s (Vell ya know) been with every voman in dis building except one.” “Hmmph,” said his wife Lena. “Must be dat snooty Mrs. Yohnson on da tird floor.”

After a few pints down at the local, talk got round to who had the most expensive watch. I showed mine first. “That’s a Rolex Oyster, worth two and a half grand,” I grinned. My mate John smiled and proudly pointed to his wrist. “This is a white gold Patek Phillipe. I paid the best part of twenty grand for it.” Dave rolled up his sleeve to show his watch. “What do you think of that then? It cost 200,000 pounds. Me and John stared a while then I said, Dave, Thats a Casio. I know, he sighed. My ex-wife bought it for me then found it in her sister’s bed.

Since splitting up with my girlfriend, I’ve been feeling pretty lonely at times. Last night it came to a head, lying naked and horny in bed I did something I haven’t needed to do for quite a long time. I rolled over and cuddled the wife.

A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse. The guy says to the cabbie, “Wanna make a $100?” The cabbie says, “Sure, what do I have to do?”. The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this women out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, “Here hold her!!” The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, “THIS AIN’T MY WIFE”. The cabbie replied, “I KNOW, IT’S FCUKING MINE; I’M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!”.

When the missus caught me cheating on her she told me she wished she could turn the clock back. I tried doing something to cheer her up but she was even more pissed off when she was late for work the next day.

Some crazy woman knocked on my door with a little boy this morning. She said, “Say hello to your dad.” I said, “There must be some kind of mistake, that’s not my dad.”

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport. “Thank you, honey”, she says. “What would you like me to bring back for you?” He laughs and says, “An Italian girl!” When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, “So, honey, how was the trip?” “Very good,” she replies. “And what happened to my present?” “Which present?” she asks. “The one I asked for- an Italian girl!” “Oh, that,” she says. “Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it’s a girl.”

I just found out I’m going to be a Dad! I’m really excited. I just hope my wife is too when she finds out.

This guy called up his lawyer to tell him he was filing for divorce, and the lawyer inquired as to the grounds for the suit. “I’ve got grounds, all right,” sputtered the irate husband. “Can you believe my wife told me I’m a lousy lover?” “That’s why you’re suing?” pursued his lawyer. “Of course not. I’m suing because she knows the difference.”

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.” Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?” “Nonsense,” said the wife, “You’re so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.” The husband climbed out of bed and counted. “One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right.

Looking back, I can pinpoint the precise moment that my marriage turned sour. We were in bed, kissing and caressing each other, running our hands up and down each others bodies, experiencing wave after wave of pleasure. After what seemed like hours, we brought each other to a shuddering climax and I held her in my arms. She brought her lips close to my ear, to whisper words of love… And that’s when my wife walked in.

What is the difference between an pilot and a pig? The pig doesn't turn into a pilot when it's drunk.

After my wife and her former best buddy, another Air Force wife, were separated by a move that posted one husband on the opposite coast, the telephone became their chief means of communication. When our phone bills showed astronomical increases, the other spouse and I sought relief. Since we both owned computers, we encourage our wives to use electronic mail. Now they call on the phone to let each other know that e-mail was sent, then call back to confirm that it arrived and have a conversation about the contents.

Chuck Norris was once asked to place his legs and fists in the cargo bay of a plane because weapons aren't allowed in the cabin.

Q: What is the difference between an ISIS boot camp and a local school? A: How should I know? I just fly the drones.

A blonde was going on a plane trip to New York. When the attendant came by and asked for her ticket, she told the blonde,"I'm sorry. Your ticket isn't for first class. Could you please move to your seat." The blonde replied,"Im blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York." The attendant said,"That's fine miss, but you'll have to go to your seat." The blonde responded again, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York." This conversation continued, always with the blonde's same response. The attendant got so upset that she went to the captain and told him about the blonde. The captain went and whispered something in the blonde's ear and the blonde immeadiately got up and went to her seat in coach. The attendant asked the captain how he got the stubborn blonde to move. He said, "I just told her that this part of the plane wasn't going to New York."

Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats? A: So they can see their Air Force.

One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?" To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so very coldddd!" The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the mens cammode, wait for a young pilot to come along, and when he sits down you climb right up between his butt cheeks where its nice and warm". The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was. The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?" To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the mens cammode and this pilot came in and sat down, I climbed right up between his butt cheeks and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!

In 1945 Chuck Norris drank a Redbull and jumped out a plane. For image results, Google the word Hiroshima.

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" “¨"Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my Mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

Yo mama is so fat that she has to buy three airline tickets for her flight.

Air traffic controller: "Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees." Airline pilot: "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" Air Traffic controller: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 737?"