Jokes

This morning some clown opened the door for me. I thought to myself that's a nice Jester.

It's two in the morning. Do you know where your blankets are?

My girl always tells me "Life is about the little things", but I just hate when she talks about her Ex.

Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.

If you want to change your life significantly just walk to the Mercedes-Benz 600 standing at the junction, take a brick and throw it into the windshield.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.

I return to work tomorrow with a child-like belief that 2017 is the year people will think at least twice before hitting Reply All.

Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much more for them.

You're so pretty, you could be in a beer commercial.

You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.

Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Shut up, will you?" "Oh, I'm sorry, Your Highness, should I go get you your coffee and tea now?

Look, if crying doesn't solve the problem, then maybe I'm just not the person you should be asking.

I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.

I have no business with you, unless behind the bushes.

I don't believe in myths like the one that states you have a brain.

I may not be getting laid tonight, but I'm definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.

I was at a restaurant and I noticed my waitress had a black eye. So I ordered very sloooowly because obviously she doesn't listen.

I always give 110%. Oops. Left out the decimal point. I always give 1.10%.

Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

The Italian boxing team boycotted the Olympics when they heard it was going to be one on one.

If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?

Are my undies showing? ["No."] "Would you like them to?"

You never have to worry about love at first sight if you steadfastly keep looking at your phone.

I just want to be rich enough to be referred to as eccentric instead of just nuts.