Jokes

If you can't beat the record, you can beat up its owner.

"What else can we think about?" - Insomnia

Isn't it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it.

I am known at the gym as the "before picture."

Here, you can always find a party. Where I come from, the Party can always find you.

They said too much of everything is bad... But too much of goodness ain't bad?

Sorry I didn't text you back, but my phone recognized your number.

The only reason I've been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.

All I'm saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.

I'm good at multitasking and procrastinating, which means right now there are at least 28 things that I'm putting off until later.

Just tell me when and where and I'll be there 20 minutes late.

There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.

Why don't we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work?

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Our family motto is "Who took my phone charger?"

Baseball is my favorite sport, because you can play it on a professional level with food in your mouth.

If it ain't broke, I haven't borrowed it yet.

I'm at my most amazing when no one is paying attention.

Dear Week, I'm so over you. I'm leaving you for your best friend, Weekend. Don't try to find us for at least 2 days.

I'm an antisocial-psychic. I can see ahead of time that I won't want to talk to you.

I'm a humble person, really. I'm actually much greater than I think I am.

When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.

How come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?

All my party planning skills revolve around exit strategies.

How do I stay humble? Well, it's not easy, but I start by being generally bad at almost all things.

Guy: Wanna go out? Girl: I have a boyfriend. Guy: It's just like soccer, just because theres a goalie doesnt mean you cant score.

I'm not crazy; I've just been in a bad mood for the last ten years.

Relationship Status: I'm a Rubik's Cube. Now try and figure me out.

When Miley Cyrus gets naked & licks a hammer it's "art" & "music". But when I do it, I'm "drunk" and "have to leave the hardware store".