Jokes

The longer you sleep - the more sleep you need. The more you eat - the bigger is your appetite.

Take time to relax especially when you don't have time for it.

If I wanted your opinion, I would give it to you.

I wanted to thank you personally for the like. That's why I'm in your house.

If you can go to the gym without telling people on the Internet, you are instantly hired by the CIA.

I'm not lazy... I'm just on my energy saving mode.

Hey in my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people can I practice on you?

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.

The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you're not will lead to a sweet reward.

When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.

I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said "WHERE"?

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

Me: let's go this way. Shopping cart: no.

If you see me smiling it's because I'm thinking of doing something evil or naughty. If you see me laughing it's because I've already done it.

I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I'm being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I'm talking about.

I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't.

The problem with trouble shooting is that trouble shoots back.

Oh... Sorry... Did you mistake me for someone who cares?

I don't care how old I am, I will see Finding Dory.

If you get in the mood to do some work, someone will always wake you up.

No Déjà vu please...I Don't want to go through that again

Finally I got laid on top of a how woman, I was on the upper berth and she on the lower one.

I don't like telling dairy jokes 'cause they're always too cheesy.

Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves!

Relationship status: Autocorrect changes my girl to my grill.

Some people think that their life experience compensates for their lack of brain.

Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

If you say "I knew you were going to say that" enough. You can start billing people for psychic readings.