Jokes

What is the difference between Scientology and Christianity? People don't believe in scientology.

3-year-old: What's a swear word? Me: A bad word moms and dads only say when they're mad. 3: Me: 3: Is my middle name a swear word?

I hate lying people, they're always in my way to the ocean.

Someone just honked their horn to get me out of my parking space quicker so now we will both be here until we're dead.

I'm watching my neighbor through the blinds, he's so creepy.

I can't decide which room not to clean first.

Can't wait to start my New Years resolution in 2018!

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.

Treat Two-faced people like mushrooms. Keep them in the dark and feed them shit.

Stop with the blind jokes ... I don´t see the point.

The grass is always greener on the other side because its fertilized with bullshit.

My first child has gone off to college and I feel a great emptiness in my life. Specifically, in my checking account.

Do I know you? Cause you look a lot like my next girlfriend.

How good are you at powerpoint? I Excel at it!

I get plenty of exercise - jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

Burglar gently waking me... "you live like this?"

The sun is going to go out in 4 billion years, and you sit there and act like everything is fine.

I'm not dumb, I just have a lot of blonde moments.

Sometimes the first step to forgiveness, is realising the other person was born an idiot.

Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.

I dont care or think about the people in my past... there is some reason why they didn't make it to my future!

I tried to get back to the drawing board but I can't draw.

You should argue with your wife only when she's not around.

That awesome moment when you open the fridge and the first thing you see is the thing you wanted to eat.

If you can't remember my name, just say 'donuts'. I'll turn around and look.

I disapprove of every conspiracy of which I am not a part.

Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails.

I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".

Woke up early to go for a run and got as far as still laying here.