Jokes

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

I get it ladies, I had abs before I had kids too.

I hate two-faced people. It's so hard to decide which face to slap first.

Honk all you want, but if I don't eat these donuts at this green light I'll have to share them at home.

How is education going to make me smarter?

It is better to have a hole in your hand than a hand in your hole.

If you are not part of the solution, you're probably running for President

Think Im Sarcastic? Watch Me Pretend To Care!

I don't date older women because it takes too long to listen to their life story.

Hit snooze until the panic sets in.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Girl:want to have a good time Guy:sure Girl:for you its free

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I'm having an introvert party and you're all not invited.

I like the way your medication thinks.

You should be wearing a jersey so i dont have to ask for your name or number

Everything you do you're gonna regret. But if you do nothing - you will not only regret but will also suffer.

The hardest part of getting a girls phone number is working up the courage to go through her trash and get it.

Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?

Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.

Funny how they say we need to talk when they really mean you need to listen.

Dance Dance Revolution is an intense game but an even more intense to-do list

Oh... I didn't tell you... Then It must be none of your business...

Always identify who to blame in an emergency.

I love the F5 key. It´s just so refreshing.

If you can't buy a person, you can always sell him.

That whole "letting go" of your ex is always more satisfying when they're dangling over an abyss.

If you got tired of living, don't share your thoughts with all your friends - they might not give you a chance to change your mind…

Girl you're like a car accident, cause I just can't look away.

It must be difficult to post inspirational Tweets when your blood type is B Negative.