Jokes

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

Secret to success is to know who to blame for your failures.

Upgrade your weekend: Take Monday Off...

Before I tell my wife something important, I take both her hands in mine. That way she can't hit me with them.

I have a lot in common with my Velcro wallet. We're both simple and great at holding everything in.

People who make you feel special are keepers. Anyone with such good taste has to be admired.

A healthy sleep not only makes your life longer, but also shortens the workday.

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, "A very good doctor".

I thought I was just really tired but it's been 5 years so I guess this is how I look now.

To weigh 50 kilos and say that you're fat, that is so female…

Facebook is telling me to "reconnect" with my brother...hmmm, I see him everyday

One day you're the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you're toast.

You know she loves you when she picks your nose. How much is determined by whether she gives it to you or eats it herself.

Want to dance? Or should I go to hell again?

I've been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now, I think I'll start calling them traditions.

I'm here for whatever you need me to do from the couch.

I may not be the brightest nail in the bucket, but at least I have a point.

If you find yourself in a hole. Stop digging.

How many more times are my kids going to ask me if I know where something is before they realize they're asking the wrong parent?

The get rich or die trying philosophy on life is going terribly one sided for me.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

If you weigh 99 pounds and eat 1 pound of nachos you will be 1% nachos!

My five year plan? I don't even have a five minute plan.

Legends don't die... I am a living example!

Roses are red, violets are blue, I have 5 fingers, the 3rd ones for you.

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

Honesty is the best policy but insanity is the best defense.

This may sound arrogant but I think I could make a better Periodic Table.