Jokes

I'm just a burned out bulb on the billboard of life.

Do it tomorrow. You have made enough mistakes for today.

A genius lives in every one of us. Each day more and more heavily…

They call me coffee cause I grind so fine.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

I would tell a swimming joke, but I think it's too watered-down to be funny.

Sorry I'm late. I was trying to think of ways to get out of this.

Confucius says Love one another. If it doesn't work, just interchange the last two words.

I sleep better naked…why can't the flight attendant understand this?

Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.

An optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true.

Most guys walk up and stick it in... I stick it in then walk up...

My hope for you is that you someday find the end of your sentence

I am right ninety eight percent of the time - who cares about the other three percent.

If you are here - who is running hell?

I've agreed so much with my wife that my head just starts nodding at the sound of her voice.

Nothing makes me more suspicious than an unsolicited compliment.

If you're looking for the best time to spill things on yourself, might I suggest wearing a white shirt and right before an interview.

Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

I park in the farthest spot possible at the gym for the added benefit of eating my croissan'wich without being judged by people walking by.

RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on

I'm smiling. This should scare you.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

don't regret doing things, regret getting caught

Everything always ends well. If not - it's probably not the end.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.

An asteroid 1,200 light years away has a 0.6% chance of colliding with the Earth, and you all just walking around like everything is fine.