Jokes

I don't do different things... It's just that I do things differently!

I hate when I'm singing along to the Beastie Boys and they mess up the lyrics.

Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.I am wearing a house.

Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.

I'm trying to get on your good side, but I haven't found it yet.

You could very well be going to heaven but it won't be hell in hell without you!

A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh alright, I'll stay the night."

If you were a triangle youd be acute one.

I became a vegetarian - switched to weed.

If by free spirits you mean an open bar, then yes I love free spirits.

If you are a bit paranoid, does that mean you're upset with the numbers from 0 to 3?

Smoking is a slow death! But we're not in a hurry…

Karma takes too long, I'd rather beat the shit out of you just now.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

If he hurts you, cry a river and then drown him in it.

Spent 15min tracing a suspicious noise that tuned out to be the lid not screwed on the Coke bottle tightly enough. If you need a top sleuth.

Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We've never met before, right?

Just took a power nap on a park bench. Made $7.30 in change.

Couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

I'm a people person, but from a distance.

I heard the next Steve Jobs movie will be on IMAX. It's the same movie, just on a bigger screen.

Do you know why I make puns? Because it's my respunsibility.

Me: Real women don't care about romantic clichés. My internal voice: Please buy me flowers, please buy me flowers, please buy me flowers.

I might drive you crazy, but at least I'll take the scenic route.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them...

Your opinion is very important to me, please remain on the line until it goes to voicemail.

I'd pat my own back but my ego is too busy shaking my hand.

The consensus after the election is that 100% of Americans think 50% of Americans have lost their minds.

I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.