Jokes

I don't ignore people, I just choose to not notice them.

Turning vegan is a big missed steak.

Crap. Something is wrong with my cell phone. {Oh Really. What is that?} Its just that...your numbers not in it.

I don't like black jokes because I have one in my family tree. He's still hanging there.

Even if you were eaten, there will still be a two way out.

You have to be flexible to work here. On many occasions, you'll be asked to bend over and grab your ankles.

If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

I'm an adult. I don't cry over spilt milk unless it has coffee in it.

Titanic was such a beautiful movie, it always gets me. Makes me wanna go on a cruise like that one day.

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

Tomorrow: The best labor saving device of today.

I just want to live in a world where people come with on/off switches.

Do one thing that scares you every day. Maybe do four things. Live in constant fear.

There is no "me" in team. No, wait, yes there is!

Identity theft is the most diabolical way someone can compliment you on doing a good job at life.

Remember, everyone seems normal until you get to know them...

If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

Me: Let's stay in bed. Me also: Good idea.

At Comic Con, all I could think was how happy these people's moms must be to have the house to themselves for a few hours.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper "You did this."

If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

I wish conversations were like user agreements where I could skip to the end and just agree.

There are few things I enjoy more than picking an argument with my girlfriend when she has the hiccups.

To the question ‘What are you doing here?' 72% answered negative.

My life is a lot like that driver who signals right, but turns left.

If a stranger offers you a piece of candy...take two.

I'm sure there's a supplement I could take or another easy solution to cure my laziness. Someone look into it for me.

You're about as useful as a bucket without a bottom.