Jokes

For the holidays, all company employees got socks with the corporate logo on them. The day after we received our gifts, a co-worker reported on his wife's response when she saw them. "Honey!" she said. "I didn't realize you were going to get SOCK options this year!"

I use to be a proofreader... For a skywriting company.

I recently had my Visa card stolen... Right now it's everywhere I want to be.

An applicant was filling out a job application. He came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He wrote, "No." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway... "Never got caught."

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations... On a door: "Push. If that doesn't work, pull. If that doesn't work, we must be closed." Message on a leaflet: "If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons." Outside a photographer's studio: "Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also." In a store: "Prices subject to change according to customer's attitude." Next to a swimming pool: "Welcome to our ool. Notice there's no 'p' in it. Let's keep it that way."

A man worked for a road crew. One day he woke up ill with a touch of laryngitis, but being a dedicated employee, he went to work. The boss felt rather sorry for the worker and didn't want him to do any physical labor, as they were repairing a part of the freeway. He says, "Why don't you go down the road and tell people to slow down going through the construction?" The worker is glad for the easy day. He stops the first vehicle. "Sir," he whispers, his throat feeling worse, "please slow down, there's a road crew up ahead." "Okay," the driver whispers back, "I'll try not to wake them."

A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss. She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you will want some identification." He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary." "How come?" asked the woman. "Crooks don't usually buy peat moss," answered the clerk.

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

There was this limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer... All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.

A newspaper editor announces that there's enough money in the budget to install a newsroom chandelier. The reporters huddle and send a spokesman to say they're against it. "Against it? Why?" the editor asks. "First," the reporter says, "no one on the staff can spell 'chandelier' well enough to put it on an order form. Second, I don't believe that anybody here can play one if we had it. And third, if you got that much money, we think you should get a hanging light instead, to brighten up the office!"

"How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress walked into the bar. "It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course. "What did you do?" asked the bartender. "I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting."

To make something DIRT CHEAP, then make it out of CHEAP DIRT!

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

If you had purchased $1,000 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have less than $11.00 of the original $1,000. With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00. But, if you purchased $1,000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $214.00 Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. It's called the 401-Keg Plan.

Store owner: "Thank you for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you." Customer: "Gosh, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised. You know that I argue every bill and always pay late." Store owner: "I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred customers like you."

Two opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner. One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me." "Oh, really?" replied the other. "I always tip a nickel and ask them to vote for you."

A businessman had a tiring day on the road. He checked into a hotel and, because he was concerned that the dining room might close soon, left his luggage at the front desk and went immediately to eat. After a leisurely dinner, he reclaimed his luggage and realized that he had forgotten his room number. He went back to the desk and told the clerk on duty, "My name is Henry Davis, can you please tell me what room I am in?" "Certainly," said the clerk. "You're in the lobby."

A guy and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over 11 years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago. "Do you think the shoes will still be at the shop?" the man asked. "Not very likely," his wife said. "It's worth a try," he said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped in the car and drove to the shoe shop. With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop. Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!" "No kidding," the customer called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time?" The man came back to the counter, empty handed. "They'll be ready on Thursday," he said calmly.

The candidate was interviewing for a job at a phone answer center and was asked to make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green. After thinking about it for a couple of minutes, the reply was, "When the phone goes GREEN, GREEN, GREEN, I PINK up the phone and say YELLOW!" She got the job.

I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad... But when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance . . . . She leaned over and pushed me!

As a buddy and I were walking down the street near the middle of town we decided to turn down a side street we've never traveled on before. Walking past what appeared to be a retail establishment, all we heard was swearing and cursing coming from within. And then, following that, we saw two very well dressed gentlemen walking out while continuing their obscenities as they left the store. "What in the world is going on here?" I asked my friend. "I think I read about this place," he replied. "We just walked past the Men's Swearhouse!"

What did the two businessmen say to each other as they closed a deal during an earthquake? "Let's shake on it!"

Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work. "Boss," he said, "the pill my doctor subscribed me actually worked!" "That's all fine," said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

Why do Barbers make for good drivers? Because they know all the short cuts!

A sign in a Shoe Repair Store: - We will heel you, We will save your sole, We will even dye for you. At an Optometrist's Office: - If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place. On a Plumber's truck: - We repair what your husband fixed. - Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber. On an Electrician's truck: - Let us remove your shorts. At a Car Dealership: - The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment. Outside a Muffler Shop: - No appointment necessary. We hear you coming. In a Veterinarian's waiting room: - Be back in 5 minutes. Sit... Stay... At the Electric Company: - We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted. In the front yard of a Funeral Home: - Drive carefully. We'll wait. In a Chicago Radiator Shop: - Best place in town to take a leak. Sign on the back of a Septic Tank Truck: - Caution... this truck is full of Political Promises.

There are three kinds of men in this world... Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen. The rest get married and wonder what happened???

At a meeting, the corporate manager told a joke. Everyone on the team laughed except one guy. The manager asked him, "Didn’t you understand my joke?" The guy replied, "Oh I understood it, but I resigned yesterday."

The owner of a factory that manufactures thick, brown syrup, produced during the refining of sugar, called his production crew in. "We have more work than we have people do it," he told his staff. "And, I find that the women we've hired in the past do a far better job then the men." "What do you suggest we do?" asked one employee. "It's simple," the owner said. "We need mo'lasses!"

To surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end. Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!" "Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store. A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?" The clerk replies, "Canned or frozen?"