Jokes

At a company party, the staff decided to have a little fun with their boss who had a habit of playing serious practical jokes on everyone else. When he went to the restroom, he left his wallet behind. They searched through it and found his lotto ticket. They wrote down his numbers and called over the waitress to set up a little prank. She came back half an hour later and asked if anyone wanted to know the night's lotto numbers, then proceeded to read them out loud before setting the numbers on the table. The boss looked at the numbers, then casually pulled out his wallet and compared them. He became really silent, put his wallet back in his jacket and sat down again, breathing really rapidly, and looking totally astonished. After a couple of minutes he pulled out his wallet and lotto ticket again, and checked the numbers, very carefully. Then, he stood up on his chair and shouted out to the whole room, "I just want to let you all know something. I don't like any of you, and I have hated working for this company. You can all go to hell, 'cos I've just won loads of money, and I'm leaving!"

Your HR department just sent an email for your open-enrollment period for health-care. There is a new option that's more expensive, but has been getting great response: For longer term illnesses and PTSD, your plan will pay all expenses to fly to, and stay in, the Caribbean Islands, with a high deductible your kids will be paying for in 40 years. It's called, "BAHAMA-CARE!"

I am great at multitasking... I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at the same time.

The company had an employee suggestion competition. The entire staff was asked to submit entries that would save money for the firm. The winner was a man who suggested the company save paper by posting corporate memos on bulletin boards, instead of printing 200 individual copies for distribution. He won a helium balloon with the company logo and one share of stock. A memo announcing the winner went out to 200 people.

A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy." His friend replies, "How's that?" "It's like this, my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."

We are interrupting our regularly scheduled jokes for today's Stock Market Report: Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged. The market for raisins dried up. Balloon prices were inflated. And toilet paper touched a new bottom.

A man was the first to arrive at work one morning. The phone rang and he answered. When the caller asked for some specific information, the man explained that it was before normal business hours but that he would help if he could. "What's your job there?" the caller asked. The man replied, "I'm the company president." There was a pause. Then the caller said, "I'll call back later. I need to talk to someone who knows something about what's going on."

I waited for a very long time for my number to be called at the Department of Motor Vehicles to renew my driver's license. As I approached the window, the clerk asked how she could help me. I replied, "I need to get a haircut, can you save me my spot?" She said, "Why didn't you get a haircut before your came here?" I replied, "I didn't need one before I got here!"

If at first you don't succeed, hire it out!

A rather scruffy-looking man came into a bank. Reaching the head of the line, he said to the teller, "I wanna open a damn checking account." "Certainly, sir," answered the teller, "but there's no need to use that kind of language." "Could you move it along man? I just wanna open a damn checking account," growled the would-be customer. "I'll be glad to be of service, sir," said the teller, flushing slightly, "but I would appreciate not being spoken to in that way." "What the hell? Just let me open a damn checking account, okay?" "I'm afraid I'm going to have to speak to the branch manager," said the annoyed teller, slipping off his stool and returning shortly with a woman who asked how she could be of service. "Hell, I just won the TEN MILLION DOLLAR lottery," snarled the man, "and all I wanna do is open a damn checking account." "I see," said the manager sympathetically. "And this MORON is giving you trouble?"

Preparing for the most important presentation of his life, a sales rep went to a psychiatrist. "I'll implant a hypnotic suggestion in your mind," said the shrink. "Just say 'one-two-three,' and you'll give the presentation of your life. However, do not say 'one-two-three-four,' because it will cause you to freeze up and make a fool of yourself." The sales rep was ecstatic. He tried it at home and gave a fabulous presentation. He tried it at work with his co-workers, and got a standing ovation. Then came the big day. Everything was set up in the boardroom and the CEO signaled him to start. The sales rep whispered under his breath, "One-two-three." Then the CEO asked, "What did you say 'one-two-three' for?"

A major speaker for the annual auto dealers convention was visiting the rest room just before he was to speak to the 10,000 members. He was asked, "Are you our special speaker?" "Yes, I sure am and I am excited to be here," he replied. "Are you nervous?" "No, I'm never nervous before I give a big speech." "If you are not nervous, then what are you doing in the ladies room?"

Sign in a local business: GUARDED BY SHOTGUN 3 Nights A Week... YOU guess which three!

I took four tires to a friend’s garage sale and was asking $35 apiece. I needed to step away for a bit so I asked him to watch them for me. "Sure," he said, "but just in case someone offers less, how low are you willing to go?" "Try for more, but I will accept $20 each," I said, and left. When I returned, my tires were gone. "How much did you get for them?" I asked excitedly. "Twenty dollars each." "Who bought them?" "I did!"

A young man named John applied for a salesman's job at a big department store. It was one of the biggest stores in the world - you could get anything there. The boss said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up." At the end of the next business day the boss came around and asked, "How many sales did you make today?" "One," said the young salesman. "Only one?" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars," said John. "How did you manage that?" asked the boss. "Well, this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his car probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe version we have." The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?" "No," answered John, "he came in to buy a present for his mother-in-law, who'll come to visit on Friday, so I said to him, 'Well, since your weekend's messed up, you might as well go fishing.'"

Be careful when you have friends who tell you they can help you break into the jewelry business... I took their advice, and now I'm serving 9 to 15 in the state penitentiary.

A guy was fixing up the floor and laying down carpet in some woman's home. As he was finishing, he noticed a bump in the carpet and figured that he had laid carpet over a package of nails he used earlier. Rather than to take up the carpet, he decided to get a hammer and pound the package into the ground so no one would know. When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done. "The carpet looks wonderful!" she exclaimed. "Here are your nails, I found them in the kitchen. By the way, have you seen my phone?"

We had built our dream house some years ago, and furnished it with quality pieces as we could afford them. Now the delivery truck carrying the last purchase, a new bedroom suite, was pulling into the driveway. "Finally!" I exclaimed, flinging open the front door as the driver walked up to the house. "I've been waiting twelve years for this!" "Don't blame me, lady," he said. "I just got the order this morning."

Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy did we go 'round. Just because I'm young doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back. Guess I must have won that silly argument.

A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held. "I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job." "Yes," says the man. "Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive in that." "Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application, "At least I'm not a quitter."

This device is designed to meet short time emergency needs in case of a computer operations failure, or operational delay. This device is the Primary Emergency Network Computer Interface Liaison device (P.E.N.C.I.L.). This device has been field tested extensively, including certification testing, as well as volume and stress testing. Properly maintained, the device meets all the requirements for coding and data input. Prior to use, the (P.E.N.C.I.L.) will require preparation and testing. Tools and supplies required will be: A sharpened knife or grinding device; and a supply of computer paper (with or without holes). Gripping the device firmly in your hand, proceed to scrape or grind the wooded end until it has a cone-like appearance. The dark core area must be exposed to properly function. Place a single sheet of computer paper on a smooth, hard surface. Take the backup device, place the sharpened point against the paper, and pull it across the paper. If properly done, this will input a single line. CAUTION: Excessive force may damage components of the device or damage the data reception device. If either the P.E.N.C.I.L. or the paper are damaged, go back to the preparation instructions above. Proper use of the device will require data simulation input by the operator. Placing the device against the computer page forming symbols as closely resembling the computer lettering system you normally use. At the completion of each of the simulated letters, lift the device off the page, move it slightly to the right, replace it against the page, and form the next symbol. This may appear tedious, and somewhat redundant, but, with practice, you should be able to increase your speed and accuracy. The P.E.N.C.I.L. is equipped with a manual deletion device. The device is located on the reverse end of the P.E.N.C.I.L. Error deletions operate similarly to the "backspace" key on your computer. Simply place the device against the erroneous data, and pull it backwards over the letters. This should remove the error,and enable you to resume data entries. CAUTION: Excessive force may damage the data reception device. Insufficient force, however, may result in less than acceptable deletion, and may require re-initialization of action as above. This device is designed with user maintenance in mind. However, if technical support is required, you can still call your local computer desk supervisor at (800)-YOU-DUMMY.

Faced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of one thousand dollars to any employee who could come up with a way of saving money. The bonus went to a young woman in accounting who suggested limiting future bonuses to ten dollars.

Memo from Director General to Manager: Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park. Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost. Memo from Manager to Department Head: Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles. The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day. Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager: The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the eclipse. This is something that can not be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost. Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor: Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you. Memo from Supervisor to staff: Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director General disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen every day.

If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx. If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button. If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook it to a water source. Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water. No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier. A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet. It's okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat. When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately. Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there. When your PC says "You have mail," don't go to the company mail room and look for a package. The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English language web pages into French. If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get an e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don't. If you go to the computer store to buy a mouse pad, you don't have to specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh.

Jill had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went. "Pretty good I think," replied Jill. "But if I go to work there, I won't get a vacation unless I'm married." Her mother, of course, had never heard of such a thing and asked, "Is that what they told you?" "No," replied Jill, "they didn't tell me that, but on the application it said, 'Vacation time may not be taken until you've had your First Anniversary.'"

The quiet employee asked his boss for Thursday off so he and his wife could celebrate their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. His boss said, "It's okay this time, but I don't intend to put up with this every twenty-five years."

Question: What’s the best way to make a small fortune in the stock market? Answer: Start off with a big one.

An elderly gentleman checked into a New York hotel. The clerk mentioned the phone service the establishment made available for calling guests who wished to rise at an early hour. "No need for that, young man," snapped the old timer. "I always wake up at five A.M. sharp without an alarm clock." "Very good, sir," the clerk replied, then asked, "Would you mind calling me at six?"

There was a ventriloquist who had no work for six months. He went to his agent and told him he needed work badly. The agent said, "There's no call for ventriloquists, but if you were a psychic I could get you plenty of work." So this ventriloquist went home and hung outside his door a psychic sign. An hour later a woman knocks on the door. "I want to talk to my deceased husband. How much will it cost?" The ventriloquist says, "If you talk to him, $50. If he talks to you, $100. If you both talk to each other while I'm drinking coffee, that's $200."

Yesterday a group of IRS Agents came in and began collecting the ceiling tiles over my tax prep desk. "What are you doing?" I asked. "This is where we've noticed your clients are finding there deductions! We will analyze them and get back to you."