Jokes

If you're going through Hell, keep going.

I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, gross, godless, evil stuff... and I want it (:

A beautiful girl looks good in the background of her smart friend.

Coldplay is like depression you can hear.

I always knew that I could never be a lawyer because of my inability to pass a bar.

Whoever said nothing is impossible is a liar. I've been doing nothing for years.

I eat the broken cookies first because I feel bad for them.

Like a flat tire.......how I'm rolling this morning.

Everything is rightly confused.

I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.

Appreciate how some people don't come out of ATM till they find the meaning of life right there.

You can't be a real country unless you have a BEER and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a BEER.

I've only been wrong once, and that's when I thought I was wrong.

With my luck I'll probably be reincarnated as me.

Sure, I may be slow, but I do lousy work.

I'm tired of people assuming I've got a good personality because I'm ugly.

Introverts have fun too, we just don't care if you know...

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

My superpower is making people laugh. Which would be great if I was trying to be funny.

Some people are so poor, all they have is money.

There's good climate in heaven, but a better company in hell.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

You're like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts.

Maybe if we all sit extremely still, Monday won't be able to see us.

I don't care who you are, but if you're reading this I still don't care.

I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

My track record as an adult is mostly false starts, hurdles and running around in a circle.

Why do witches not wear underwear? So they get a better grip.

Ask me about my vow of silence.