Jokes

I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry.

If the fortune has turned her back on you, you can do whatever you want behind her back.

You're not sure - outrun and make sure.

A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is "Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?"

I may not be Dairy Queen, baby, but I'll treat you right!

You don't notice the air, until someone spoils it.

The main thing I want this holiday season is for someone to wake me when it's over.

Autocorrect just changed "I have so much anxiety I can barely breathe" to "I'm fine."

I'm not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.

Feeling pretty proud of myself. The Sesame Street puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever's bugging you.

I like to hold hands at the movies... which always seems to startle strangers.

Remember: You can eat your way out of almost any problem.

You're the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.

You must be a full moon, coz everytime you are around me, I turn into a beast.

Whenever I have a one night stand, I always use protection. A fake name and a fake number.

For maximum attention, nothing beats a good mistake.

I'm Only Here For The Free Food

I've put something aside for a rainy day. It's an umbrella.

On a scale of newlyweds to married 25 years, how willing are you to admit I'm right?

Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. *Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.*

They say people couldn't have everything because they don't have enough space to put it, I say 'everything' includes a bag with infinite space so I can put everything in easily.

We need to look at how the world really works, not just accept the way we are told it works.

If you were a pole I would dance all over you.

I hate when people ask for likes... Like if you agree!

How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?

My drinking team has a bowling problem.

Do you like the internet? Cause I can put you on there if you come back to my place.