Jokes

The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Where does one apply to be a "kept man"?

It's funny how one person can make you never trust anybody...

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

Why is the day that you do laundry, cook, clean, iron and so on, called a day off?

Before I buy a leaf blower I want to make sure I understand the rules. We just blow the leaves at each other's houses, right?

I've had so much to drink that you're beginning to look good.

I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

People are making end of the world jokes. Like there is no tomorrow.

If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.

God gave us the brain to work out problems. However, we use it to create more problems.

I hate girls that complain about being single every 3 minutes. 90% of my socks are single & you don't see them crying about it.

Why is it everything I love is either unhealthy, addicting or has multiple restraining orders against me?

Tarzan doesn't have a beard. Yet he lives in the jungle for over 30 years.

I hugged someone once and they expected it every time they saw me. I'll never do that again.

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford.

Those of you who think you know it all are damn annoying to those of us who do!

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

Spider-man has been unmasked in all his last 4 films. If I was him, I wouldn't even bother dressing up.

Remember, it's not what you do... it's what you get away with.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If at first you don't succeed: try management.

You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.

Lazy People Fact #5812672793. You were too lazy to read that number.

Friends wave red flags when you have a bad idea. Real friends pick up a camera.

If you want your dreams to be as fascinating to other people as they are to you, don't mention it's a dream until the end of the story.