Jokes

A traveling salesman is in West Virginia when he comes upon a house with a little boy sitting on the front steps. "Son, is your mother home?" The little boy nods yes. "Can I see her please?" The boy nods again, and they go around to the back of the house where they find the mother on the ground, humping away with a sheep. "Son, do you see what your mother is doing?" The boy nods yes. "Do you know what that is?" The boy nods. "Doesn't that bother you?" "Naaaaaaaaaaaah!"

An animal has three legs. Dance, said the lion. I'll rape you tonight, said the whale.

What do reindeer say before telling you a joke? This one will sleigh you.

Want to hear a dirty joke? The white horse fell in the mud.

Late one night a couple is driving down a country highway and run over an oppossum. Knowing that mother oppossums often carry babies in their pouch, they decide to check out this poor animal. Sure enough there was a baby, so they decide to rescue it. They take it into the car and continue down the road. The little oppossum is scared and squirming around like crazy so the wife asks her husband what she should do? He thinks for a minute and says, " Well it's used to being in it's mother's pouch. Maybe if you unbutton your jeans, and put it in "there" it will calm down." She exclaims, " I'm not going to do that! That thing is smelly and nasty!" The husband replies," Well, why don't you just hold it's little nose!"

YOUR MOMS HOUSE IS SO POOR I WENT TO KNOCK ON HER DOOR AND A ROACH TRIPPED ME AND A RAT TOOK MY WALET.

What book did the rabbit take on vacation? One with a hoppy ending.

Q: Why do fish live in to the salt water? A: For the reason that pepper makes them sneeze!

Girl: OMG!!!! THERES A BEE BEHIND YOU!!!!! Boy: WHAT!!!! WHERE!!!! Girl: April Fools Boy: BITCH, I WILL CUT YOU!!!!! (**pulls out knife**) Girl: WHAT!!!!!(nervously) Boy: April Fools Bitch!!!!

A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"

April Fools' Day is like a huge open mic night in which millions of people go out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are.

Change your Facebook Status to "I'm Pregnant" or "I'm Engaged" and watch the April Fools LIKE & Comment away.

Do you think they named April Fool's Day in your honor?

Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age? Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Lady: No, I didn’t stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years! Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so “spicy” that I just laid down and told him “Take me, young man. Take me now!” Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, “April Fools!” And that’s when I shot the little bastard.

After planning the wedding for six months, the big day arrives tomorrow and I’ve only one regret. I won’t see her face when she gets the April Fools’ text.

April Fools Prank: Replace all the sugar in your house with cocaine.

I’ve managed to avoid around 50 April fools jokes this morning. However, I’ve now lost my job on the emergency services desk.

You should know, that no one understood it was an April fool's joke because no one expected you have a sense of humor.

Tomorrow is April Fools Day. Believe nothing, and trust no one. "So it's like any other day."

I just recently discovered that there is a national holiday named after Atheism. April FOOLS day. Like this story in the name of Jesus.

Fellas, if a girl hits you with the “I’m pregnant” text on April Fools Day… Just reply, “Yeah you looked like you were gaining weight.”

A young lady came home from a date rather sad. She told her mother, “Jeff proposed to me an hour ago.” “Then why are you so sad?” asked her mother. “Because he told me he’s an atheist. Mum he doesn’t believe there’s a hell,” she replied. “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is!” said the mother.

Knock knock. who's there interrupting dyslexic atheist cow interrupting dyslexic ath... Moo there is no dog!

An atheist is on an African safari when he is ambushed by a lion. “Oh God!” he screams “Help me!” The lion stops in its tracks and a voice from the heavens rings out: “All your life you said you don’t believe in me, slandered my name and now you want my help?” “I realize that my request is rather bold,” replies the atheist “but would it be possible for you to make this lion a Christian lion?” “Your hope, your prayer is answered!” replies God. The lion closes its eyes and clasps its paws in prayer and says, “Thank you Father for this meal I am about to receive…”

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist’s life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man’s job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn’t give him the time of the day. So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: “Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn’t even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?” And a great voice was heard from above: “BECAUSE HE DOESN’T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!”

An elderly rabbi was once on an airplane to Israel sitting next to a self-professed atheist. They were amicably chatting the whole trip. Every now and then, the rabbi's grandchild, sitting in another row, would come over to him, bringing him a drink, or asking if he could get anything to make him more comfortable. After this happened several times, the atheist sighed, "I wish my grandchildren would treat me with such respect. They hardly even say hello to me. What's your secret?" The rabbi replied: "Think about it. To my grandchildren, I am two generations closer to Adam and Eve, the two individuals made by the hand of G‑d. So they look up to me. But according to the philosophy which you teach your grandchildren, you are two generations closer to being an ape. So why should they look up to you?"

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country. 2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country. 3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles. 4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts. 5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country--if they could find the time--and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it. 6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much. 7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train. 8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated. 9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores. 10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country ... or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans. 11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store. 12. The Pensacola News Journal is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something in which to wrap it.

I started reading the Bible, the Torah, the Koran, back issues of the Green Lantern, you know what I mean? I was like an atheist with a B plan.

Why do people ask me if I'm "hiding", if I was hiding you wouldn't see me!

I don't want you to feel like you can't express yourself, but I do want you to stop talking.