Jokes

Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales? He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.

What's yellow, comes from Peru, and is completely unknown? Waterloo Bear, Paddington Bear's forgotten cousin.

Why did the chewing gum cross the road? Because he was stuck to the chicken's bottom.

Waiter: "Do you want any dessert?" Teddy Bear: "No Thanks. I'm Stuffed!"

I'm relaxing on the beach, and all of a sudden, all these women start gathering around me. They got these big signs; they're going, 'Fur is murder! Fur is murder!' I said, 'Lady, that's my back. Now get off it.'

What do you call a dinosaur with magic powers? Tyrannosaurus Hex.

Rabbit: "Are you sure this bottle of special carrot juice will cure me?" Doctor: "Absolutely. No rabbit ever came back for another."

What is a buttress? A female goat.

Teacher asks her class, “What is the animal depicted on a weather vane?” Little Johnny, the infamous troublemaker, says, “I know, teacher, I know.” Against her better judgment she calls on him and he says, “Teacher, it is a cock.” Teacher asks the class, “Why is a cock on a weather vane?” “I know, I know, teacher,” says Johnny. “OK, Johnny, Why?” “Because, teacher, if it had a cunt on it, the wind would whistle right through it.”

Does running out of a burning barn make a cow unusual? No, only medium rare.

What do you call it when one rabbit challenges another rabbit to hop across a forty-yard canyon? A hare dare.

Why can’t elephants go on the beach? Because they can’t keep there trunks up

Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young.

Have you read the book, "100-mile Horse Trek" Who wrote it? Major Bumsore.

What is the definition of "moon"? The past tense of "moo"!

I’ve just found a box full of cricket balls. And a bag full of grasshopper penises.

Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude salesmen were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of the men said: "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."

Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.”Oh, my,” said the bunny, “I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’ve been blind since birth, so I can’t see where I’m going. In fact, since I’m also an orphan, I don’t even know what I am.” “It’s quite OK,” replied the snake. “Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and find out what you are, so at least you’ll have that going for you.” “Oh, that would be wonderful” replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, “Well, you’re covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I’d say that you must be a bunny rabbit.” “Oh, thank you! Thank you,” cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, “Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you’ve helped me.” So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, “Well, you’re smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone, and no balls. I’d say you must be French”

Q: Why couldn't the animals on Noah's Ark play cards? A: Because Noah was standing on the deck!

Usain Bolt is so fast I saw a Cheetah giving him a High 5.

Apparently the female spider devours the male minutes after mating. It takes female humans years to do that.

A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't give beer to bears in bars." The bear replies, "If you don't give me a beer, I'll eat that lady over there." The bartender says, "Go ahead." So the bear eats the lady and asks for a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't give beer to bears on drugs." "What do mean," asks the bear. "I'm not on drugs." "Yes, you are, that was the bar bitch you ate."

"Pa's being chased by a bull!" "Well, what in tarnation do you want me to do about it?" "Get me some film for my camera."

I wear two pairs of pants when I go golfing. People always ask me why I do. I say, "I wear two pants when's I golf just in case I get a hole-in-one.

What is a moo hoo for a delightful ranch owner? A charmer farmer.

Girl, we can play zoo..and you can tame my monkey

If you had a gun and you were being chased by a bull and a mountain lion, which one would you shoot first? The mountain lion. You can always shoot the bull.

What goes black white black white...? A penguin rolling down a hill! What's black and white and laughing? The penguin who pushed him!

People worry about health at the wrong times, you ever notice that? 'Ooh, there's a hair in my food.' You're eating bacon -- there's a pig's ass in your food.

A dog asks a cat “How come I’ve never seen you cats making love in public?” The cat replies, “Do you want humans to steal our style like they did yours?”