Jokes

An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard. Then they heard voices. Three men had broken into the greenhouse. Scared, they called the police. The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls. The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again. He told Dispatch, "Don't worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!" In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed! One of the cops asked the old man, "I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them. " The old man replied, "I thought you said, there weren't any officers available."

A Zebra arrives on a farm. The first animal she meets is a cow. “Whats your job?” she asks. … … “My job is to give milk,” the cow replies. … … The next animal she meets is a chicken. “Whats your job,” she asks. … … “My job is to lay eggs,” the chicken answers. The third animal she meets is a stallion. “Whats your job?” she asks. The stallion replies, “Just take off those silly striped pajamas and I’ll show you.”

Law of Cat Composition A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

Where do Danish cows come from? Cowpenhagenf.

What do you do when two snails have a fight? Leave them to slug it out.

First Kangaroo: If you were surrounded by 30 lions, 25 elephants and 10 hippos, how would you get away from them? Second Kangaroo: Step off the merry-go-round.

How did the calf's final exam turn out? Grade A.

If a farmer was only able to choose between buying a cow or a tractor, what should he pick. On one hand, he would look funny riding on a cow. On the other hand, he would look funnier trying to milk a tractor.

Did you hear about the cannibal spider that ate his uncle's wife? He was an aunteater.

One day, Little Johnny's grandmother sent him to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and ran back to grandma's house as fast as he could. "Where's my bucket and my water?" She asked. "I can't get any water from that water hole, there's a mean ol' alligator down there!" "Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for years, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

What did the cow wear to the football game? A Jersey.

Why is turtle wax so expensive? Because they have such small ears.

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

What do you call a West Virginian which a sheep under each arm? A pimp!

My cat went completely insane when I told him he was adopted. I spelled it out with a laser pointer

What do you call the reindeer with one eye higher than the other? Isaiah.

The new John Lewis advert where various animals bounce up and down on a trampoline is ridiculously far fetched. I mean come on….. A black family with a house?!!

Could you imagine the wonderful, beautiful poop that this thing must take? That's why they beat their chest. I'd be beating my chest, too, if I had 60 pounds of crap comin' out of me.

What's a skunk's favourite game in school? Show and smell.

Standing beside a valiant stallion, a beautiful blonde decides she must ride this animal despite having no previous riding experience. Soon, she finds herself atop the horse's back, galloping through a lush green meadow. Unsuspecting, the horse suddenly picks up speed and she finds herself euphoric over the freedom she is experiencing. Once again, the magnificent animal picks up speed except this time her inexperience gets the better of her. She finds herself barely able to hang on. The startled horse is now in a dead run and the beautiful blonde finds herself hanging off to one side of the horse, her head just inches from the ground... catastrophe seconds away. She begins to frantically scream for help when all of a sudden... Frank, the Wal-Mart door man, calmly walks up and unplugs the ride.

How can you tell when a skunk is angry? It raises a stink.

Three women escape from prison….one is a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They run for miles until they come upon an old barn; they decide to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climb up, they find three gunnysacks and decide to put them over their heads for camouflage. About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy come into the barn. T he sheriff tell his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw. The deputy told him just three gunnysacks. The sheriff told him to find out what was in them…..so the deputy kicked the first bag, which had the redhead in it……and she went “Bow-wow.” So the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in the first one. Then he kicked the one with the brunette in it and she went “Meow.” The deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in the second one. Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it and there was no sound at all, so he kicked it again and the blonde said “Potatoes.”

At the pet shop, a man spots a parrot without any feet. The man leans in, "Hey buddy, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a hook." "Wow," says the guy. "I can't believe you're so smart! I'm taking you home." Weeks go by, and the parrot not only understands everything the man says, but he gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Hey, I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the mailman." "What happened?" asks the guy. "Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth." "What happened then?" asks the guy. "Then, the mailman came into the house and lifted up your wife's nightgown," reports the parrot. "Oh no!" the guy says. "Then what?" "I don't know," says the parrot. "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

Who cleans up after guide dogs?

Nothing says' I love my dog' quite like spending more money on his haircut than you do your own.

Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep.

Where did the bull carry his stock-market report? In his beef case.

Dogs. Because when everyone looks at you like you're crazy, they look at you like you're amazing.

Why can't you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.

They say dogs take on the personality of their owners which is bullshit because all my dog does is lay around all day and touch himself.