Jokes

Two goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, “How the fcuk do you drive this?”

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.  As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."  The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Alberta. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.' The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."  The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.  The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.  Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."  The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

The other day my girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it…. So we went out and had some drinks. He’s a cool guy, wants to become a web developer.

What did the father buffalo say to the son buffalo when he left for school? Bison!

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

How many animals can you fit on a toilet ? One pussy and 1000 hares.

As horses say to one another. Any friend of yours is a palomino!

There was a blonde a redhead and a brunette running from a cop. They hide in potato sacks. The officer kicks each bag....when he kicks the redheads bag she goes meow....when he kick the brunettes bag she goes ruff...when he kicks the blondes bag she goes potatoes!

It was a hot summer night. Slowly I spread her legs and my hand was trying to find its way to her nipple... I was so excited! I never milked a cow before...

What do you call it when one bull spies on another bull? A steak-out.

Q: What do you call a cow with a twitch? A: Beef jerky.

Q: What kind of birth control do snakes use? A: Anacondoms.

Pet Owner: "Every time a bell rings, my dog goes and sits in the corner." Vet: "That's perfectly normal; he's a boxer."

What’s a mouse’s favorite record? Please cheese me!

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a Democrat? A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

Never trust a dog to watch your food.

The male worm towards the female worm: Baby, if you don’t take me as you’re husband, I’m throwing myself to the chickens!

Q: Why should you never set the turkey next to the desert? A: Because he will gobble, gobble it up!

I have trouble sleeping, and I blame my diet. I've been buying a lot of those deep-friend pork skins. I'm not eating them, though. I'm just trying to reassemble a pig in my apartment.

Q: Do you know what the white stuff in bird poop is? A: That's bird poop, too.

What did the dog say to the hot dog bun? "Are you pure bred?"

Teacher: "I asked you to draw a cow and grass, but I only see a cow. Where is grass?" Student: "The cow ate the grass, sir."

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!” “Don’t worry.” said the Auctioneer, “He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?”

In what state will you find the most cows? Moo York.

What do you get if you cross a cat with a gorilla? An animal that puts you out at night.

Why was the skunk angry? He was incensed.

Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor? A: Laughing stock.

Q: What did the dog say when it sat on sandpaper? A: Ruff!

Did you hear about the horse with the negative altitude? He always said "Neigh"

Why did the skunk buy four boxes of tissues? Because he had a stinking cold.