Jokes

It's funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

One day a man was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic, and he really had to take a dump. He pulled out of the traffic lanes onto the shoulder, got out of his car and went over to a bush and took a crap in his hat. He couldn’t leave his hat there because he had his name inside the hatband. So he took his hat and on the way back to his car he saw a policeman pulling off onto the shoulder. He covered the hat with his hand. The police officer came over and asked him what was in the hat. The guy said, “It’s a hurt bird.” The police officer said, “Let me see the bird.” The man said, “I can’t if I take my hand away it will fly away.” The police officer repeated, “Let me see the bird.” The man said, “I can’t - if I take my hand away it will fly away.” They kept that up for four or five minutes, then the police officer got mad and asked him one more time: “Take your hand away and I will reach in really fast and the bird won’t fly away!” The guy said, “Alright.” And he slowly removed his hand. The police officer reached in and grabbed a handful of shit then asked the man, “What is this?” The man replied, “You just scared the shit out of the bird.”

Dogs are such smart animals. They're so intelligent because they mark their territory with urine. They pee on it, they think it's theirs. That's so smart. Imagine if people did that -- the homeless would own everything.

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch. First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows." Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows." Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows." Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp. First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend." Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting. First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish, let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious.  "You had better have an explanation." "Calm down, honey," the man replied.  "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."' The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again. "What was that for?" he complained. "Your dog called last night."

Q: Why did the mouse go to the party? A: He heard they were playing Parcheesi!

A teacher was giving a lesson and was telling the pupils that we came from Adam and Eve. A hand went up and the kid said, "But my dad told me that we come from apes, Miss?" Miss replied, "Stay out of this one, Leroy!"

This guy was really sleepy and needed a place to stay for the night. So he sees this barn up the road and asks the guy if he can stay in his barn for the night. "Sure," says the farmer, "as long as you promise not to stick your winky into the three holes." The man promises, and the farmer leaves him there. Of course, he can't resist, and the farmer is woken up in the middle of the night by screams coming from the barn. The farmer goes down and finds the guy stuck in the third hole. "What are in these holes?" the guy screams. "Well," says the farmer, "one of them's my daughter, one's my cow, and one of them's an automatic milking machine that doesn't stop until it gets five gallons."

They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona.

I never know who’s more embarrassed during eye contact while my dog is having a shit.

Q: What do elephants use for tampons? A: Sheep.

Why do cows like being told joke? Because they like being amoosed.

A rattle snake bit Chuck Norris in the leg and the snake died instantly!

Found out today that Piranha fish can totally remove the flesh from a child’s body in under 5 minutes. On the downside, I’ve now been fired from my job at the aquarium.

There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig. The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, “This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!” The farmer looked puzzled and replied, “What’s time to a pig?”

I have concluded that zebras are black with white stripes. Why? When was the last time you saw a zebra with a job?

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because KFC was on the other side.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. What do you call a dog with no legs? You don't because it won't come.

Little Johnny was sitting in his classroom when his teacher asks what sounds animals make. First the teacher asks,"what sound does a cow make?" Susie raises her hand and says moo. "Good job susie" says the teacher. Then she asks what sound does a duck make? Billy raises his hand and says quack. Next the teacher asks what sound a pig makes. Little Johnny raises his hand and says," Get your black ass out the car, put your hands above your head, and spread your legs!"

Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? A: Sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

My wife shouted at me today for forgetting to take the lamb out the freezer. Sadly it couldn’t withstand the freezing temperatures and died after a couple of hours.

Chuck Norris likes his steaks still mooing.

What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever.

What do you call a mobile homes for rabbits? Wheelburrows.

Hickory Dickory Dock. Two mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one and the other got away with minor injuries.

How could the dolphin afford to buy a house? He prawned everything.

A British aquarium claims to have the world’s first vegetarian shark. Either that or they’re playing a really good prank on Nigel the tank cleaner.

What famous painting do cows love to look at? The Moona Lisa.

Two blondes stand on opposite sides of a lake. One blonde yells, "How do I get to the other side?" The other blonde yells back, "You're already on the other side!"