Jokes

Excuse me, but do you like whales? (yeah, why) Cause I was thinking that we could "humpback" at my place.

What did the lions say to his cubs when he taught them to hunt? Don't go over the road till you see the zebra crossing.

There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast. Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods... Cats have never forgotten this. Here's proof that Cats are smarter than dogs... You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later. People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life.Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God! Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes. Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit!

This morning I went to sign my labrador dog up for welfare. … At first the lady said, “Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare.” … So I explained to her that my labrador dog is a BLACK lab, is unemployed, lazy, can’t speak English, and has no frigging clue who her Daddy is. She expects me to feed her, provide her with housing and medical care. So the lady looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. … My black lab gets her EBT card on Friday and moves into a Section 8 apartment in a week.

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of kill it. …. …. We went out and had a few drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.

I was reading that dogs can successfully sniff out cancer in humans. Now I’m worried that I’ve got testicular cancer.

I thought I'd like this thing because I like meat. Three days into it, I had eaten so much meat, I was perusing the neighborhood at four in the morning looking for cats and stuff. My heart was beating a million miles a minute. I've got bacon fat dripping off my eyelashes. People are like, 'Hey, you look pretty good. Did you lose some weight?' 'Get over here. I'll eat your face right off your head.'

There was an Indian chief who wanted to show his son the way of the woods. He gets on the ground and hears a noise. "Buffalo come." "How do you know?" "Ground shaky." The boy wanted to try. He gets on the ground, listens. "Man come." "Is there a vibration?" "No." "Then how do you know?" "Ground sticky."

Yo' Mama is like an elephant: she does tricks for peanuts.

What do you call a bird at a party? A party fowl.

What kind of cows do you find in Alaska? Eski-moos.

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"

Some people say putting helium in animals is wrong, I say whatever floats your goat.

Q: Why was the rooster so unhappy? A: He only got laid once, and it was by his mother.

What do you call a frog that crosses the road, jumps in a puddle, and crosses the road again? A dirty double-crosser!

Q: What is the difference between a cat and a comma? A: One has claws at the end of its paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

Why was Teddy Roosevelt mean to horses? He was a rough rider!

Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.

Many times do you have to tickle a squid to Make it laugh? Ten tickles ! Lol

Q: What are a woman's four favorite animals? A: A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom and an ass to pay for it all.

One day mama bear and papa bear were getting a divorce. The judge decided that baby bear was going to live with mama bear. Baby bear started to cry . "Whats wrong?" the judge asked baby bear. "I dont want to live with mama bear, she abuses me!" said baby bear. "Then, you can live with papa bear" said the judge. Baby bear started to cry even harder the judge asked him, "Whats wrong?" Baby bear replied, " I dont want to live with papa bear he abuses me even more than mama bear does." "Then who do you want to live with?" asked the judge. Baby bear replied, "I want to live with the Baylor Bears, because they don't beat anyone!"

I had an awkward moment on Tuesday I was having sεx with my girlfriend and my dog walked in the room. Oh wait… it was the other way around.

Q: How do crabs leave the hospital? A: On crutches.

A man is out walking in New York when he sees a girl being savaged by a fierce dog. He fights off the dog by beating about the head with a stick and saves the girl's life. The girl's mother rushes over to him: "Thank you, thank you, you are a hero, tomorrow all the newspapers will have headlines about Brave New Yorker Saves the Life of Young Girl" "But I'm not a New Yorker," the man says. "Oh, then it will say in all the newspapers Brave American Saves Life of Young Girl," says the mother. "But I'm not an American," the man says. "What are you then?" asks the mother. "I'm an Iranian," the man says. The next day he sees the newspaper headlines: Islamic Extr*mist kills American Dog.

When a male squirrel saw a female squirrel he said: "I can offer you, DEEZ NUTS!"

What’s the difference between a black and a white bull? The white bull does: “Mooo”. The black bull does: “Hey man, Mooo, man!”

Two cows are standing in a field. One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?" The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"

A policeman is walking down the road when he sees a man with a brick tied to a dog leash. He decides to go and humor him. He walks up to the man and says, ''Hello, sir, I like your dog!'' The man looks at the brick, then the policeman, and says, ''It's not a dog, it's a brick.'' The policeman replies, ''Oh, sorry, I thought you were a bit mad,'' and walks off rather puzzled. As the policeman goes out of sight, the man turns to the brick and says, ''That fooled him, didn't it Rover?''

Yo momma so fat when she goes camping the bears hide their food.

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off! Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up. NOW -------- Enough of that crap... The donkey later came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock. MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON: When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.