Jokes

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up...

A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "May I help you, sir?" The duck replies, "Yeah. Help me get this human out of my ass."

Q: What did the dad buffalo say to his son on the first day of school? A: Bison.

One day the zookeeper noticed that the Orangutan was reading two books - the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"? "Well," said the Orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem was that she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals’ cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn’t very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla. So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Mike replied that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over. The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions: “First,” he said, “I don’t want to have to kiss her.” “Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union.” The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third? “Well,” said Mike, “You’ve gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks.”

A little kid gets on a city bus, sits right behind the driver, and starts talking loudly, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow, I'd be a little bull." The driver gets annoyed as the kids continues to yammer on. "If my dad was an rooster and my mom a hen, I would be a little chick." The kid goes on and on with all the animals he knows, when finally, the bus driver yells, "What if your dad was a bum and your mom was a drunk?" The kid smiles and says, "I'd be a bus driver."

What has four legs and goes, "Oom! Oom!"? A cow walking backwards.

A worm gets out from cherry compote and, after he stretches a little, says satisfied: I love sauna!

Q: What's the best time to fake an orgasm? A: When a Rottweiler is humping your leg.

Q: How do you capture a polar bear? A: You dig a hole in the snow and set peas around it. When the bear comes to take a pea you kick it in the ice hole

One day a blonde, brunette, and redhead were stuck on an island 100 miles away from civilization. The only way to get home was to swim. The brunette swam 50 miles before drowning. The redhead swam 64 miles before getting attacked by a shark. The blonde went 99 miles but got tried a swam back to the island.

I've been trying to find the right time to tell my pet hes adopted...

Q: Why do baby chicks say, "Cheep, cheep, cheep"? A: They can't say, "Expensive, expensive, expensive."

Day 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. …. …. Day 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. I must try this at the top of the stairs sometime. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair . . . must try this on their bed. … … Day 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night. Day 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was . . . Hmmm. Not working according to plan . . . Day 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foaming chemical called “shampoo”. What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth. Day 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer”. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies”. Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. Day 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time . . .

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant. A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law. The panda bear tells the policeman that he's innocent and, if he didn't believe him, to look in the dictionary. The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up "panda bear." It says, "Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves."

What Bee’s produce milk? Boo-bees.

A dog goes to a telegraph office and dictates a message. ‘Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof.’ The operator reads it back then says, ‘Y’ know, we charge per ten words. You could have an extra ‘woof’ for free.’ ‘No thanks,’ says the dog.

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús."

It was a very hot Wednesday here in Florida. Bessie, our Hump-Day Camel, stopped dead in her tracks. I thought I might have to call for a tow truck to get a camel tow, but a camel expert said, “Seeing it’s such a hot day, give ‘er a swift kick in the arse.” So I did. I got up on a ladder and gave Old Bessie a swift boot. She immediately proceeded to pass such an incredible fart, I thought I would pass out for lack of Oxygen. The camel expert said, “Just as expected on a hot day. Vapor lock.”

A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?"

What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk? An udder failure.

Squirrels - nature's speed bumps.

Customer: "Waiter, do you serve crabs?" Waiter: "Please sit down sir, we serve everyone."

My Chinese neighbour told me he’d just opened a “Crows shop”. I said, “Don’t you mean a clothes shop?” He said, “A Crows shop!” I said, “OK, I might pop down for a Rook.”

Why are sharks mostly salt water creatures? Because pepper would make them sneeze.

What do you do with a dog that doesn’t have any legs? You take him for a drag.

The Animal Crackers that Chuck Norris eats are made from real animals.

What do you call a cow who argues with her husband? A bullfighter.

Wanna go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.

No chicken dies a virgin they get laid at birth *slaps knee*