Jokes

Why does a squirrel swim on its back? To keep its nuts dry!

Two cows were talking.One cow asked the other" I wonder what hamburgers are made of?" The other cow replied "YOUR MOM!

A man came home from the bar with an unknown woman. He woke up in the morning and yelled, "A crocodile, a crocodile!" The woman woke up and asked, "Where, where?" A man cried again, "O-o-oh, the crocodile is talking!"

How much money did the bronco have? Only a buck!

Why do moths fly with their legs open? Cause they've got huge mothballs!

My dad just got a toupee, also -- not a very nice one, though, made out of cat hair. Every time you touch his head, his butt goes up in the air.

If Chuck Norris were a cat he would have ten lives.

Q: Why did the ants dance on the jam jar? A: The lid said, "Twist to open."

Yo' Mama is so stanky, monkeys throw poop on her at the zoo.

A skunk and a rabbit were running through the woods and accidentally they collided with each other. They both got amnesia from the crash. "Who am I? What am I?" said the rabbit confused. "Well, you're one such... with a short tail, long ears..." "I guess!" shouted the rabbit, "I'm a rabbit!" "And what am I?" asked the skunk. "Ah! Yes. You're one such hairy, smelly, with a strip in the middle..." "Wow!", yelled the skunk, "Probably I'm an ass!"

"Did you hear about the farmer who lost control of his tractor in the cow pasture?" "No." "Did he hurt the cows?" "No, he just grazed them."

Q: Why are dogs such bad dancers? A: They have two left feet.

Unicorns are extinct but Chuck Norris used all their horns as toothpicks.

I applied for a job at a blacksmiths. … … He asked if I had ever shoed a horse before. … … I said no but I once told a donkey to ∫cuk off.

Yo mama so stupid that she mourned wen we slaughtered a goat for Cristmas.

Man decides to buy a pet, but does not know what he wants as a pet, so he goes to the pet shop in search of a pet. He sees cats in a cage dogs on another cage spiders, rabbits, frogs, birds, fish in aquariums and finally he sees a very colorful parrot in the corner of the store and he goes to the area where the parrot was and salesman asks him, "Are you interested in this parrot?" The man says, "Does he talk?" the salesman says, "If you pull his left leg he will say the our father and if you pull his right leg, he will say the hailmary!" The man says, "What will the parrot say if I pull both legs at the same time?" The parrot says, "I'll fall on my ass stupid!"

Two caged circus lions break free and corner a clown in his dressing room. One lion says to the other, "Forget it, those things taste funny."

Q: What do you get when you cross a raven with a mad dog? A: A ravin' lunatic.

A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You''ll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you''ll see, you''ll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you''ll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit. The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you." The lion answers, "That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a f**king idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

Q: Why can't an emu fly? A: It never books a flight

A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a “more humane” solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males Castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled. This was actually proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Growers Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, “Son, I don’t think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain’t fcuking’ our sheep - they’re eatin’ ’em”.

Dolphins are so intelligent that within a few weeks of captivity they can train a man to stand on the edge of their pool and throw them fish three times a day.

When I get a dog I'm going to name him five miles so I can say I walk five miles everyday.

I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces at the pond today.

Why did the jellyfish's wife leave him? He stung her into action.

Chuck Norris once won the Iditarod by pulling his team of dogs on the sled.

I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today. We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!” I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us. “What did you just call it?” I asked. “It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.

need a list of animals that got on chucks bad side, check the extinction list

Q: Why do cops arrest black people? A: Because monkeys belong in cages.