Jokes

Yo mommas so stupid when she licked a dog she said meow.

Q: Why did the musicians let the turkey join the band? A: He had his own drumsticks.

How to you know that cows will be in heaven? It's a place of udder delight.

God told Noah to build an ark and put 2 of every species in it God then punished man by making it rain for 40 days and nights causing a great flood After 38 days the amount of excrement made by the animals threatened to sink the ark…so they threw it all overboard…and there it remained until Columbus rediscovered it

What did the slug say as he slipped down the window very fast? How slime flies.

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy back wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.

What do you call a dumb bunny? A hare brain.

What is a moo hoo for the bucket that goes at the back end of the cow? A tail pail.

Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch. One asks the other, "Do you recall your worst day last year?" The other responds, "Yes, the day I had diarrhea!"

Yo momma's so fat, when she went to the zoo, elephants began throwing peanuts at her.

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She held up the box and said, "I bet it's some flowers!" "That's right!" shouted the little boy. Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held up the box and said, "I bet it's some chocolates!" "That's right!" shouted the little girl. The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held up the box and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy answered. "What is it?" she said. "A puppy!"

Little Johnny: „Mom, can I get a dog at Christmas, please?"  Mother: „No, you'll be getting turkey, like every year!"

Q: What do women and cats have in common? A: Pussy farts.

Knock, Knock. Who's there? Interrupting cow. Interrupting cow wh--MOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

A man enters a pet shop. He wants to buy live mice to feed his python. The man saw the cage with a parrot and begins to examine it. In this moment the parrot said, "Your fly is undone." The man blushed. He looked around if anyone sees him and closed his zipper. The parrot said again, "Your pants have a slit back." The man blushed still more and tried to cover his ass with a hand. "Your shoelaces are untied", the parrot does not cease. The man bent down to tie his shoelaces. "Farted! ... You little fart", the parrot yelled. The man died of shame and fled from the store. At this point the mice called from their cage and said, "Coco, thanks you! You saved our lives again. You know, we'll make it up to you."

Why do zebras have stripes? Because the spots where all over.

Q: Why did the stoner cross the road? A: Who else would follow a chicken?

A man started a new job at a zoo. He was given his first job by the zoo owner - to clean out the large tropical fish tank, which contained many exotic species. While removing some gravel from the tank with his spade, he accidently hit one of the fish and killed it. Worried about losing his job for this mistake, he decided to hide the evidence. He took the fish and fed it to the lions because lions eat anything. The zoo owner did not notice the missing fish and gave the man a new job - to muck out the chimps. He was in the middle of mucking out when two of the chimps became a bit over familiar and, in an attempt to get them away the man lashed out with his spade, killing two chimps. In his panic he decided to hide the evidence and fed the unfortunate chimpanzees to the lions because lions eat anything. The zoo owner was pleased with the man’s work and as his final task for the day he asked him to collect honey from the zoo’s beehives. The man tried hard to do this without upsetting the bees, but some got angry and stung him. He grabbed his spade and whirled it above his head, squashing and killing several dozen bees. Plagued with guilt, he fed these to the lions as well because lions eat anything. The next day, a new lion arrived at the zoo. He enquired of the existing residents “what’s the food like here?” One of the zoo’s resident lions said, “Oh, it’s great. Only yesterday we had fish, chimps and mushy bees.”

Chuck Norris is the reason why This Little Piggy cried wee wee wee all the way home.

What disease do elderly dinosaurs get? Jurassic Parkinsons.

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."

A monkey goes into a bar and asks the barman: - Do you have any bananas? - No,I don't. ( says the barman) - Do you have any bananas? (asks the monkey) - No,I have not got any bananas! - Do you have any bananas? - If you ask me that question one more time, I'll nail your tongue to the counter! - Do you have any nails? - No,I don't. - Do you have any bananas?

Q. Why did the tiger loose at poker? A. Because he was playing with a cheetah.

What's the difference between a tiger and a lion? A tiger has the mane part missing.

You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion. What do you do? Get your drunk ass off the carousel.

What do cows do for entertainment? They go to the mooooovies.

A dog walks into a bar and hops up on a stool. He looks the bartender in the eye and says, "Hey, guess what? I can talk. Have you ever seen a talking dog before? How about a drink?" The bartender thinks for a moment and says, "Sure, the toilet's right around the corner."

Once there was a group of vampire bats that lived in a cave outside of a big city. One night, one said to a another, “I'm so hungry. I'm going to go get something.” “No don't! We have to wait for the others!” “I don't care.” And off he went. About 30 minutes later, he came back and was covered in blood. The other vampire bat asked, “WHOA!! Where did you find all that blood?” “You really want to see?” asked the bloody one. “Follow me.” So the first bat leads the other bat to the city and points to a large black building and asks, “Do you see that building?” “Yes,” came the reply. To that the first says, “Well, I didn't.”

What is a dentist's favorite Dinosaur? A Flossorapter

What do you call a fish with no eye? Fsh.