Jokes

Q: What do you get when you cross a dog with a telephone? A: A golden receiver.

That tornado damage your cow barn any? Dunno. Haven't found the durn thing yet.

Two racehorses are in the stable. One says to the other, “You know, before that last race-” “The one that you won?” asks the other horse. “Yeah; before that last race, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters.” The other horse says, “Funny, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters before the race that I won.” A dog walking by says, “You idiots; you’re being doped. Your owners inject you with a drug to make you run faster!” One horse turns to the other and says, “Hey, a talking dog!”

An asp in the grass is a snake, but a grasp in the ass is a goose.

Why don’t snakes have balls? Because they’re bad at dancing.

How did that bullfight come out? Oh, it was a toss-up.

How Does a dummy kill a mole? He buries it.

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 50 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him.” They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 65 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also.” They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: “This bull mated 365 times last year.” The wife’s mouth drops open and says, “WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY! You could really learn from this one.” The man turns to his wife and says, “Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow.”

Two bats are going for their midnight feed. After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood. The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?" The second bat replies, "Follow me. I`ll show you." After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?" The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!" Other bat says, "I didn't."

What's the difference between a reindeer and a snowball? They re both brown, except the snowball.

How do you stop a fish from smelling? Cut its nose off.

It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

What's wet and wiggly and says how do you do sixteen times? Two octopuses shaking hands.

A dog with three legs walks into a Wild West bar and says, ‘I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.’

There are bats hanging of a branch upside down, all except one. Two bats comment: "What's happened to this one? I don't know, two minutes ago he seemed normal and then he fainted.

Q: What do you get when 100 rabbits stand in a row and 99 take a step back? A: A receding hare line.

I'm being managed by Don King again

What kind of car does a rabbit drive? A furrari

Q: What can a goose do that a duck can't do and a lawyer should do? A: Stick his bill up his ass.

What happened to the lizard in the wizard's garden pond? He had him newt-ered.

After World War II, an American soldier was going back to London from the front. He was on a very crowded train, and was looking for a seat, but the only empty one was next to an older lady, and she had her pet poodle on it. He said, “Please, madam, I'm very tired. May I please sit here?” The lady replied, “No. My precious little poodle, Miss Fluffy, is sitting here.” The soldier walked the length of the train again with no luck, so he went back to the same seat next to the same woman and said, “Please, Madam, I have been fighting at the front for months, my feet hurt and I'm very tired. May I please sit here?” The woman told him, “I cannot believe how rude you are! I have already told you that my darling little Miss Fluffy is sitting here.” At that, the American lost his temper, picked up the poodle and threw it out the window. An elderly man who was sitting across the compartment looked at the American soldier and said, “You Americans do everything wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you eat with the wrong hand and now you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!”

Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks. The first blonde said, “Those are deer tracks.” The second blonde said, “No those are elk tracks.” The third blonde said, “You’re both wrong, those are moose tracks.” The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them. Emma: So, what kind of tracks were they?

You don't get to be the face of the World Wildlife Fund without knowing a few tricks, know what I'm saying?

Q: What did the spider do on the computer? A: Made a website!

A Mom goes to the store shopping. She tells to the children, "Your father will return very drunk. Undress him down to the waist and put him to sleep." "Why to the waist", the children interested. "Because your father has a large snake below and it can bite you." The mother returned and her children met her at the door, "Mom! Mom! Dad came home! We undress him all and put him to sleep." "Are you undressed him the entire", mother worried? "What happened with the snake?" "Don't worry, Mom!" proudly answered the children. "The snake was strangled with dad's belt, her eggs were trampled and the nest was burnt."

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What did the naughty rabbit leave for Easter? Deviled eggs.

What did the boy bird say to the girl bird on Valentine's Day? Let me call you Tweet heart!

Bob and Jim walk into a bar. Bob says, "Hey Donkeyboy, get me a drink." The bartender gets him a drink. Bob says, "Donkeyboy, get me another drink." The bartender gets him another drink. Finally, Jim asks the bartender, "Why does he call you Donkeyboy?" "I don't know. Hehaw-hehaw-he always calls me that."

Q. What's purple and leaps from tree to tree? A. Squirrel! Q. Then why is it purple? A. It choked on a nut...'