Jokes

Q: Why did the duck travel to a dangerous neighborhood? A: He wanted to buy some quack.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Why the long face?”. The horse turns to him and says, “My wife is dying of terminal cancer.”

Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact. On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear. One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit. ''Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I've got something to show you!'' ''Not now! I'm eating.'' ''Oh come on!'' said the rabbit. ''It's really important.'' ''No way.'' ''Please. It's urgent.'' So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air. ''Well, rabbit,'' he panted. ''What did you want to tell me?'' ''Hey, Teddy,'' the rabbit began, ''look how many berries are on the other side of the river.''

Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? A: One's a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger; the other is a fish.

Q: What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedghog? A: A six-foot toothbrush.

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?" One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

What time is it when 20 dogs and one cat get together? 20 after one.

What do you get if you cross a hippo, elephant and a rhino? ..A Helephino!!

Q: Why do birds fly South for the winter? A: It's too far to walk.

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A: It doesn't matter -- he's not going to come anyway.

A guy walks into a store and buys six jumbo boxes of condoms. The store clerk asks the man, "What are you going to do with all of those?" The guy replies, "I taught my dog to swallow them, and now he s**ts in little plastic baggies!"

Q: Why did the farmer sell his frog leg ranch? A: He found out it was a rough toad to hoe.

Cats took many thousands of years to domesticate humans.

Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus? A: "I want to hold your hand. Er, hands."

Which big cat should you never play cards with? A cheetah.

A policeman was directing traffic at a busy intersection when he observed a blind man and his seeing-eye dog waiting to cross. To his horror, he watched as the seeing-eye dog bolted across the street, dragging the blind man behind him. On the other side of the road, the man pulled out a cookie and offered it to his dog. The officer ran to the blind man and said, "Don't you realize your dog could have killed you, and now you're going to reward him?" The blind man said to the policeman, "Why, no sir, I'm just trying to find out where his head is so I can kick his ass."

Hey baby, wanna play lion? OK. You go kneel right there and I'll throw you my meat.

My wife said to our son, “So, did you enjoy your day at the zoo with your dad?” “No, not really,” my son replied. “The zoo was rubbish.” “Why was it rubbish?” asked my wife. “Because the only animals there were horses running around a track.”

Q: How do you get ten fat cows in your basement? A: Hold a tupperware party!

I hear you are very kind to animals, so please give that face back to the gorilla.

Q: How do you catch a squirrel? A: Climb a tree and act like a nut.

Q: Why did the chewing gum cross the road? A: He was stuck to the chicken's foot.

Q:Why did the cow cross the road? A:To go to the moo-vies.

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. “I can hardly believe my eyes!” he exclaimed. That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.” “Nah, he’s not so smart,” the friend replied. I’ve beaten him three games out of five."

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What do you call a cow on a trampoline? A milkshake :)

I was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. I swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. Being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, I pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had became of the rabbit. Much to my dismay, the rabbit was dead. I felt so awful I began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw me crying on the side of the road so she pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked me what was wrong. “I feel terrible,” I explained. “I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it.” The woman told me not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved his paw at us and hopped down the road. Fifty feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at us again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved and hopped another 50 feet. I tell you, I was flabbergasted. I couldn’t figure out what was in the woman’s spray can. So I ran over to her and asked, “What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto the rabbit?” The woman turned the can around so I could read it. It said: “Hare Spray - Restores life to dead hare - Adds permanent wave”

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris. After 5 days of extreme pain...the snake died.

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he shouldn't say things to insult passengers. He could be fired for that." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!" "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."