Jokes

What do you get if you cross a skunk and a balloon? A creature that stinks to high heaven.

What cheese would you use to entice a bear out of the woods? Camembert. What cheese is made backwards? Edam. Best cheese to use to disguise a horse? Marscaponie.

You know Chuck Norris' pet lizard, right? Last I heard, he was in the movie "Godzilla". Oh, and his pet turtle starred in "Gamera" as well.

Q: Why didn't go Noah fishing? A: He only had two worms.

What is the difference between turkey and mother-in-law? There is no difference: both are the best when they are cold on the table.

In year 1272 Arabics invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.  In year 1873 the British somewhat reinvented the condom by taking it out of the goat first.

One day a duck walks in a store and ask the manager if they sell grapes. The manager says, "No, we don't sell grapes." The duck goes home and comes back the next day and asks the same question. The manager says the same thing again, "No, we do not sell grapes." The duck goes home, comes back the next day, and asks the manager if they sell grapes. This time the manager says, "No, we don't sell grapes! If you ask one more time, I will nail your beak to the floor!" The duck goes home. It comes back the next day and asks the manager if he has any nails. The manager says, "No, I don't have any nails." The duck says, "Okay, good. Do you sell grapes?"

A lion once put his head inside the mouth of Chuck Norris.

Why did the dog sit in the shade? Because he didn't want to be a hot dog!

Q: What do you call a dog that has balls of steel and is dragging them across cement? A: Sparky.

What do you get when you try to cross one rooster with another rooster? Two cross roosters!

I went to the movie theater the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dachshund. It was a sad, funny kind of film. In the sad part, the dachshund cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dachshund laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man. "That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dachshund really seemed to enjoy the film." The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."

A man went to work for a zoo veterinarian. "Look in the lion's mouth," the vet told him. "How do I do that?" he asked. "Carefully," replied the vet.

Why did the rooster cross the road? Because the chicken was on vacation!

Chuck norris once killed a bear with an imaginary knife.

What's a pet's favorite day? Saint Petrick's Day.

What is the feeling that you've smelled a certain skunk before? Deja phew.

Q: What do you do to an elephant with three balls? A: Walk him and pitch to the rhinoceros!

Once there was a farmer with three sons. He gave a duck to his eldest son and told him to see how much money he could get for it at the market. The eldest son came back later in the day, shouting "Dad, I got $10 for the duck!" The farmer said "Well done, son." The next day, the farmer sent the middle son to the market with a duck and he came back with $20. "Well done, son," said the farmer. He then sent the youngest son to the market to see how much he could get for the duck. On the way to the market, the son met a prostitute. "I'll give you a f**k if you give me that duck," said the prostitute. After they did it, the prostitute said, "That was so good, I'll give you the duck back if you f**k me again." He did, and then he went on to the market. On the way, the duck flew out of his arms and was run over by a truck. The truck driver jumped out of the cab and said "Oh no, I'm so sorry! Here's $50 to pay for it." The youngest son went back to the farm and said to his father, "Hey, Dad! I got a f**k for a duck, a duck for a f**k, and $50 bucks for a f**ked up duck."

You mama is so fat when we went to the beach the whales sang, "We are family."

What do you call an ugly rabbit that sits on someone's forehead? Unsightly facial hare.

A man was walking along a beach when he spied a small creature. He had no idea what it was and decided to take it home and show his family. On getting it home, he found it had grown a little already. The family looked at it and was fascinated by it. The kids wanted to take it to school for ‘show & tell " so he put it in a matchbox overnight. In the morning he found it had grown some more so he transferred this thing to a shoebox for the kids to take to school. When the kids had got home from school, this thing had now grown so large it wouldn’t fit in the shoebox, but filled their school bag as the growth rate was a bit daunting. Overnight, while wondering what to do with this ever-growing thing, the man didn’t get much sleep and in the morning found it so large that it couldn’t even fit in the car. He decided it was time to dispose of it & loaded the thing into his small tip truck & drove to a nearby cliff top. As he was backing up to the cliff he thought he heard a noise above the roar of the truck and stopped to listen. He could hear a voice calling "help, help" and realized it was coming from the back of the truck. "Is that you?" said the man."Yes" replied the thing…"what are you?" asked the man. "I’m a rarey", said the voice I’m a very rare animal, & I grow at a very fast rate, what are you going to do with me?. The man said "Well, I didn’t know what to do as you were growing so fast we can’t contain you, so I’m going to tip you over this cliff & get rid of you". The rarey seemed horrified as he peered over the cliff, & said in a plaintive voice "It’s a LONG WAY TO TIP-A-RAREY"

Pick up line: "Are you a beaver because damn!"

Q: What is the difference between a mosquito and a fly? A: A fly can fly, but a mosquito cannot mosquito.

Ronnie goes to the auction. He notices a parrot that was on auction. Ronnie decides to bid for it and so Ronnie starts off with 50 Dollars. Auctioneer: 50 Dollars Voice: 100 Dollars Ronnie: 200 Dollars Voice: 300 Dollars Ronnie: 400 Dollars Voice: 750 Dollars Ronnie: 800 Dollars Auctioneer 800 going once, twice and the parrot is sold. Ronnie to the Auctioneer "I hope this Parrot can speak as I have spent a lot of money on it." Auctioneer Laughing: "Who do you think was Bidding against you.

Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots? A: Bunny farts.

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to “clean up” the bird’s vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.” John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, when the bird continued, “May I ask what the turkey did?”

‘Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.’ Sue Murphy

Q: What do you give an elephant with diarrhea? A: Lots of room.

A husband suspected his wife was cheating on him. He explained his situation to a pet shop owner who replied, "I have a parrot that will let you know daily what goes on in your house. The bird has no legs, so he holds onto his perch with his penis." Reluctantly, the husband brought the bird home. At the end of the first day, the man asked the bird, "Did anything happen today?" The parrot said, "Yes, the milk man came over." The man asked, "What did he do with my wife?" The bird said, "I don’t know; I got hard and fell."