Jokes

What happened when the lion ate the comedian? He felt funny.

After a hard days work of making balloon animals and entertaining kids a clown asks his boss if he could have a raise and the boss replied "ha, after 20 years of working with you its about time you made me laugh!"

Chuck Norris once taught a French Bulldog to be English.

What South American dance do cows like to do? The Rump-a.

How do you hire a teddy bear? Put him on stilts.

What is a moo hoo for a cow fight? A cattle battle.

What do you call a female peacock? A peacunt.

What's the difference between Simba and O.J. Simpson? One's an African lion, and the other's a lion African.

How are tigers like sergeants in the army? They both wear stripes.

Me: Hey look its Nemo! Worker: Sir, that's a clown fish. Me: Bitch, that's a Nemo!

Three dogs are at the vet in the waiting room. When the first dog asks the second dog what he’s in for. He answers, “My master bought a brand new carpet the other day, and at the first opportunity I soiled it, so now I’ve been brought here to be put to sleep. So what are you here for?” The first dog replies grimly, “I’m also being put to sleep. My master had a table with a collection of expensive vases and while I was chasing my tail I accidently bumped into the table and broke them all.” The two dogs then look over and ask the third dog what he’s in for. The third dog answers, “The reason I’m here is the other day my master stepped out of the shower and she bent over. I couldn’t resist, so I jumped her from behind and took her like a wild animal!” “So I guess you’re also here to be put to sleep?” says the first dog. The third dog answers, “Nope, I’m here to get my nails done.”

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up… The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, ‘Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’ I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. “So what do you think about that Doc?” The doctor considered his question for a minute and  then began to tell a story. “I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.” One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.” “As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge.. He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘bang, bang’.” “Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor. The 86-year-old said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.” The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”

What do you get if you cross a motorway with a flock of sheep? A flock of dead sheep.

Chuck Norris was bitten by a cobra, cobra died after 5 days.

“Mister, why doesn’t this cow have any horns?” asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, “Well, ma’am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep’em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young ‘uns by puttin’ a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops ‘em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns.But the reason this cow don’t have no horns, ma’am, is ’cause it’s a horse.”

Yo' Mama is so fat, the World Wildlife Foundation gave her a grant for her liposuction.

What’s a black spot between two white spots? A fly with cotton wool in her ears!

Two deer walk out of a gay bar, one turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I blew twenty bucks in there..."

Why did the duck go to jail? It was selling quack.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Canoe. Canoe who? Canoe put sunblock on my back?

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? A: He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.

A man is fishing and he catches a crocodile. The crocodile tells him, "Please let me go! I'll grant you any wish you desire." The man says, "Okay, I wish my penis could touch the ground." The crocodile then bites his legs off.

A man dining at a restaurant flagged down his waiter and said, "Excuse me. I have a bee in my soup." The waiter replied, "Yes sir. Didn't you order the alphabet soup?"

What game do little cows like to play? Moonopoly.

What did the boy cat say to the girl cat on Valentine's Day? You're purrr-fect for me!

Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? A: Because the sound of zippers scare the sheep away.

A man and a woman are lying in bed, watching the ceiling and keep quiet. What are they thinking? The woman thinks, "He keeps quiet. He doesn’t want to talk. May be he’s get tired of me. He doesn’t love me anymore. He’s probably got someone else. I see. We’ll have to separate each other." The man thinks, "A fly. A fly on the ceiling. Wow! How keep it there and don’t fall?"

If you are what you eat, then my dog is a calculator.

When does a female deer need money? When she doesnt have a buck.

What do you get if you cross a woodpecker with a carrier pigeon? A bird who knocks before delivering its message !