Jokes

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Q: Why did the woman get thrown out of the riding stable? A: She wanted to mount the horse her way.

Johnny's teacher asked the class how their weekends were. "Horrible," said Johnny. "A car hit my cat in the ass!" "Rectum," said the teacher. "Say rectum." "Rectum? Damn near killed 'em!"

What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat!

How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”

Careful! Angry dog in the backyard! Please do not crush him.

Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus

Q: What did the doe say when she came running out of the woods? A: "I'll never do that for two bucks again."

One day on a plane there were 100 bricks and one fell off. How many are left? 99 What are the three steps to putting a giraffe in the fridge? 1. open the fridge 2. put the giraffe in 3.close the fridge What are the 4 steps to putting a rhino in the fridge? 1. open the fridge 2. take out the giraffe 3. put the rhino in. 4. close the fridge. The animals were throwing a party and all the animals but one came. What was it? The rhino A girl crossed a low bridge over crocodile infested water, but didn't die. Why? The crocodiles were at the party. When she got to the other side she died though. Why? A brick fell from a plane and hit her on the head

Boy: hey I just saw your mom on t.v last night. girl: really?!?!?! what channel? Boy: Animal planet

Q. Why do sharks avoid eating black people? A. They think it’s whale shit.

One day, a farmer walked into a bar and asked the bartender for the strongest thing in the bar. "What's wrong, fella?" asked the bartender. ''Some things you just can't explain." ''Try me.'' "Okay. I was milking my cow this morning and I filled the bucket clear to the top. Then the dumb cow knocked it down with her left leg, so I grabbed some string and ties her left leg up. Then I milked her again and the stupid cow knocked it down with her right leg. So I grabbed some string and tied up her right leg. I then milked her again and the cow knocked it down with her tail. But this time I was out of string, so I decided to use my belt, so I tied it up with my belt. Just then my pants fell down and my wife walked in.'' "You're right," said the bartender. "Some things you just can't explain."

This quiz consists of four questions that will tell you whether or not you are qualified to be a professional. The questions are not that difficult. You just need to think like a professional. 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way. 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the door. Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out of the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This question tests your foresight. 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend? Correct answer:The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking. OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a professional. 4. There is a river that is known to have many crocodiles in it. How do you cross it? Correct Answer: Simply swim across it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting! That completes the test! If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you’re a true professional. Wealth awaits you. If you answered three out of four, you have some catching up to do but there’s hope for you. If you answered two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger flipper in a fast food joint. If you answered one out of four, try selling your organs. It’s the only way you will ever make any money. If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does not require any higher mental functions at all, such as management, politics, law or medicine.

How do you shoot a great white shark? Hold his nose until he turns blue and then you shoot him with a blue shark spear gun.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.

Guy: Why did the chicken cross the road? Girl: to get to the annoying girls house! Guy: knock knock Girl: who's there Guy: the chicken

What do cats love to eat for breakfast? Mice Crispies

What do you call a deer with no eyes? I have no I-Deer.

Q:Why do dogs stick their noses in women's crotches? A:Because they can.

A reverend awoke one morning to find a dead donkey in his front yard. He had no idea how it got there, but he knew he had to get rid of it. He called the sanitation department, the health department and several other agencies, but no one seemed able to help him. In desperation, the good reverend called the mayor and asked what should be done. The mayor asked, ''Why bother me? "You're a clergyman. It's your job to bury the dead.'' The reverend lost his cool. ''Yes,'' he snapped. ''But I thought I should at least notify the next-of-kin.''

A fellow always wanted to own a pet skunk, so in the dead of winter, he took his girlfriend with him to go hunting for one. After a bit of waiting, they bagged a skunk and brought him back to the truck. The skunk was very scared and very cold, so the guy asks his girlfriend if she can keep the skunk between her legs to keep him warm. "But what about the smell?" asks his girlfriend. "Oh, he'll get used to it, just like I did."

If you really think about it, a kangaroo is just a mixture of a T-Rex and a deer.

Q: Why is the old, worn out horse named Flattery? A: Because it gets you nowhere.

An Amish lady was driving her horse drawn buggy to town with her young son when she was stopped by a highway patrol officer. “I’m not going to cite you,” said the officer, “I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous.” “I thank thee,” said the Amish lady, “I shall have my husband repair it as soon as we return home.” “Also,” said the officer, “I noticed that one of the reins to your horse is tied around your horse’s testicles. Some might consider this to be ‘cruelty to animals’ so you’d best have your husband check this, too.” “Again I thank thee,” said the Amish lady, “I shall have my husband check this also when I return home.” True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector and her husband said that he would repair it immediately. “Also,” said the Amish lady, “the policeman said that there was something wrong with our emergency brake.”

Why are rabbits like calculators? They both multiply a lot.

When Chuck Norris walks into a room, the mice jump on chairs.

Thousands of years ago cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through that tiny thing?

Have you heard about the amazing new chimpanzee diet for weight loss? All you have to do is eat 20 bananas a day and spend about 12 hours climbing trees.