Jokes

Don’t you just hate it when insects make you late for work in the morning. I’m never gonna high-five a centipede again!

Using a novelty invisible dog leash and collar Chuck Norris won the Westminster Dog Show.

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, “When did you bag him?” The host said proudly, “That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife.” “What’s he stuffed with,” asked the visiting hunter. “My ex-wife” replied the hunter.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a tadpole and turned it into a frog, then he kicked it again and it died.

What's the favourite flavour of sharks? Shark-o-late.

Q: What is a bee that cant make up his mind? A: A maybe.

Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? A: Unique up on it. Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit? A: Tame way.

A father watched his young daughter as she played in the garden. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. … … Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. The father went over to her to see what had captured her attention. … … He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. … … “Daddy, what are those spiders doing?” she asked. … … “They’re mating,” her father replied. “What do you call the spider on top?” “That’s a Daddy Longlegs.” The little girl thought for a moment. “So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?” she asked. The father’s heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question. He laughed, and then replied, “No sweetheart. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.” The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped the spiders flat. “Well, we’re not having any of that gay shit in our garden.”

Scientists proved that cows don't give us meat and milk. We just take it from them!

What dog can jump higher than a building? Anydog, buildings can't jump!

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk lying in the road and a dead lawyer lying in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

What do you call a lion wearing a cravat and a flower in its mane? A dandy lion.

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order. ‘I would like a Sprite,’ said the first little piggy. ‘I would like a Coke,’ said the second little piggy. ‘I want beer, lots and lots of beer,’ said the third little piggy. The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner. ‘I want a nice big steak,’ said the first piggy. ‘I would like the salad plate,’ said the second piggy. ‘I want beer, lots and lots of beer,’ said the third little piggy. The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. ‘I want a banana split,’ said the first piggy. ‘I want a cheesecake,’ said the second piggy. ‘I want beer, lots and lots of beer,’ exclaimed the third little piggy. ‘Pardon me for asking,’ said the waiter to the third little piggy, ‘But why have you only ordered beer all evening?’ The third piggy says - ‘Well, somebody has to go ‘Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a sheep walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the sheep’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!” “Not really,” said the sheep. “Your name is written inside the cover.”

What does the third mole in the underground tunnel smell? . Molasses

Egg-Laying Why does a chicken lay eggs? Because if she dropped them, they'd break

What animals do you bring to bed? Your calves.

Herman and his brother, Trevor live on a farm in Texas. One day Trevor rides on his bike into town and he sees a building on fire, so he goes back home and tells his brother, “Herman, Herman there is a fire and people are getting burned!” His brother says “Oh, that was on the radio -- that's old news. So Trevor rides back into town and he sees a bank beeing robbed, so he rides back home and says “Herman, Herman there is bank being robbed and people are getting shot and killed!” His brother says, “Oh that was on the radio -- that's old news.” So Trevor rides back into town and he sees a pig stuck in a fence and starts to thinkin'... Then he rides home and says, “Herman Herman! I had my first sequal experince today!” His brother says, “In a pig's ass,” And Trevor replies, “Oh, you and your stupid radio.”

What do cows do when they re introduced? They give each other a milk shake.

Mother to little boy: ‘Stop pulling the cat’s tail.’ Boy: ‘I’m not. I’m just holding it. It’s the cat that’s doing the pulling.’

A Football team was on the field during practice, when to their surprise, a big turkey suddenly walked up to the coach and demanded a tryout. "Are you crazy," hollered the coach, "we don’t give tryouts to turkeys." Before he knew it the turkey started dashing towards the football and made a fantastic catch. "That was amazing," exclaimed the coach. "I have never seen anything like that! How much do you want for a year?" "Don’t worry about money," said the turkey, "let me just ask you something, does the season go past thanksgiving?"

Yo' Mama is like a donkey: everybody rides the ass.

Two snakes are talking. One of them turns to the other and asks, "Are we venomous?" The other replays, "Yes,why?..." "I just bit ma lip."

Wow, I can’t believe it’s been 10 years since Steve Irwin passed At least he died the way he lived… With animals in his heart.

The Chicken is offended that even after all the jokes, the crossing on the road is still named after a Zebra.

Q: Whats worse then finding half a worm in your apple? A: The Holocaust.

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he writes in his notebook. "But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replies. "Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were," says the reporter. "Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook. "I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy says. "I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks. "I'm a Cowboys fan," the child says. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,  "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet".

I bet Egyptians were all like "Yo, nobody in history will ever worship and revere cats like we do" and then came the internet.

1. Cats do what they want, when they want. 2. They rarely listen to you. 3. They're totally unpredictable. 4. They whine when they are not happy. 5. When you want to play they want to be left alone. 6. When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7. They expect you to cater to their every whim. 8. They're moody. 9. They leave their hair everywhere. 10. They drive you nuts. 1. Cats do what they want, when they want. 2. They rarely listen to you. 3. They're totally unpredictable. 4. They whine when they are not happy. 5. When you want to play they want to be left alone. 6. When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7. They expect you to cater to their every whim. 8. They're moody. 9. They leave their hair everywhere. 10. They drive you nuts. Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats.

Why was the man sued by his horse? For palomino-money!