Jokes

A man runs over a cat. The cat’s address is on its collar so the man goes to apologise to the owner. He knocks on the door and a little old lady answers. The man says, ‘I’m so sorry. I’ve just run over your cat. Can I replace it?’ ‘I don’t know,’ replies the old lady. ‘How are you at catching mice?’

A woman answered the doorbell with a man standing on her porch. The man said, "I'm terribly sorry. I just ran over your cat and I would like to replace it for you." The woman replied, "Well that's alright with me, but how are you at catching mice?"

What do you get when you cross a Scottish sheep with a Peruvian Mountain Goat? The Dolly Llama.

What did the judge say when the skunk was on trial? Odour in court.

Q: What did the fish say when he ran into a wall? A: "Dam."

What do you call a man who f*cks pigs? Willie-ham

I wonder if my first cat appreciates being at least slightly immortalized in my passwords.

Q: Why can't you see a Hippopotamus hiding in a tree? A: Because he's really good at it.

It’s a really hot day, and the Air Conditioner in the penguin’s car quits. Well, penguins can’t take high temperatures so he immediately takes his car to an auto repair shop. The penguin asks, “How long will it be?” The mechanic says, “Give me half an hour.” So the penguin decides to go get some ice cream at the grocery store across the street. When the penguin gets there, he climbs inside the big freezer door and starts to eat ice cream. His flippers have trouble getting the ice cream to his beak and within no time he is an absolute mess. Ice cream all over his front and his beak. The penguin looks at his watch and jumps out of the freezer and goes back to the mechanic’s repair shop. . The mechanic comes walking out wiping his greasy hands on a rag and says, “It looks like you’ve blown a seal.” The penguin says, “No, I was just eating ice cream.”

What did the termite say when he walked into the bar? Where is the bar tender?

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth snake with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth. I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog. A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs

Why did the spider buy a car? So he could take it out for a spin!

How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion? It had a lot of hare pins.

There's a guy Who's hiking in the woods one day when a bear chases him up a really tall tree. The bear started to climb the tree, so the guy climbed up higher. Then, the bear climbed down and went away. So the guy starts to climb down the tree. Suddenly, the bear returns, and this time he's brought an even bigger bear with him. The two bears climb up the tree, the bigger bear going higher than the first. But the guy climbed even higher still, so the bears couldn't reach him. Eventually, the bears went away. Naturally quite relieved, the guy starts down the tree again. Suddenly, the two bears return. But this time the guy knew he was in big trouble. Each bear was carrying a BEAVER.

Why didn't the teddy bear eat his lunch? (Because he was stuffed!)

What did the thirsty whale do? Bit the tail of a submarine and sucked out all the seamen.

Scooby Doo prefers Norris snacks'.

What do you get from a cow on the North Pole? Cold cream.

What do you call a gay dinosaur? Brontosoarass.

A black cow was standing in the middle of the road. A man was hauling ass around a corner with no headlights on. He slams on the brakes at just the right time to miss the cow. How did the guy see the cow? It was daytime.

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.  Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news".  "Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first." The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."  The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crayfish and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."  He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.  "Geez, thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... so what's the other possible good news?" "Well", the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!"

Yo mama is so dirty the only words her pet parrot can say is “In my ass, in my ass”!

A young bull and an old bull are at the top of a hill. There are dozens of cows grazing in the pasture below. The young bull says, “Let’s run down there and ∫cuk the brains out of a cow!” The old bull says, “No, let’s walk down and ∫cuk the brains out of all of them.”

What does a Seiko watch and an elephant have in common? They both come in quarts!

What's got four legs and one arm? A Rottweiler.

Why did Bossy tell the cowpoke to leave her calf alone?  She thought children should be seen and not herded!

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, “Are there any gators around here?” … … “Naw,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been none around here for years!” … … Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. … … About halfway there he asked the guy, “How’d you get rid of the gators?” “We didn’t do nothing, the sharks got ’em!”

I went to a hot dog stand with my pet snake. I said," May I please have a hot dog for my snake?" The waitress replied, "I'm sorry, but we're all out of buns." I said, "My anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, hun!"

More than anything, Bob wanted to be a cowpoke. Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the lad and give him a chance. "This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows." "I see," said Bob, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat. "And what do you use for bait?"

I’ve just been into my local pet shop. I said, “How much is that doggy in the window?” “The one with the waggly tail?” the owner replied, laughing. “No, the one with three legs. I’ve only got twenty bucks,” I replied.