Jokes

A retiring farmer needed to rid his farm of animals in preparation for selling his land, so he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the husband was the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the wife was the boss, he gave a chicken. When the farmer arrived at the end of the street, he met a couple who were outside gardening. “Who’s the boss around here?” he asked. “I am,” replied the man. “Well, then, I have a black horse and a brown horse,” the farmer said. “Which one would you like?” The man thought for a minute and said, “The black one…” “No, no, no… the brown one,” interrupted the man’s wife. The farmer shook his head and remarked to the man, “Here’s your chicken.

Are you a shark, cause I got some swimmers for you to swallow.

Q: How do fish get high? A: Seaweed.

Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

Jesse starts wailing to the vet, "you gotta save my dog, he looks real bad - please you just gotta!" "There, there Jesse, your dog just has a broken hip he'll be fine in no time. My fee, of course, will be $1,500." Jesse starts to wail - "oh, my dog's going to die!!!"

What do you call a group of cattle sent into orbit? The first herd shot round the world.

This little kid is walking up the street with his Daddy. They see two dogs going at it. The little kid says "Hey daddy what are those doggies doing?" The father says "Ahh, they're making a puppy." That night the little kid walks in on his mother & father and daddy's on top driving it home to mama! The little kid says "Hey daddy what were you doing with Mommy?" He says "Oh, were making it a baby." The kid say "Turn her over, I want a puppy!"

She wanted a puppy. But I didn't want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.

Do you know how much a polar bear weighs? (no) me neither but enough to break the ice, hi my name is .....

Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper. "Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out the animal in me." "So what?" his wife shot back. "Who is afraid of a mouse?"

Three scientists in Brunswick, Maine, were one day discussing what would happen if they rammed a cork up an elephant’s backside and force fed it for 2 weeks. But because the experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend they decided to have a go. A week after the experiment had started they began to realize WHY the idea had never been tried, they were stuck for someone to pull the cork out. One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it to pull out corks once a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for another go. The big day arrived, they set up all the monitoring equipment and set out to a safe distance. The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and the third went 3 miles. When they were all ready the first scientist pushed the button to sound the buzzer. They heard a loud roar, but there was no visual evidence. The three scientists returned dejectedly to their lab. The next morning in their local paper, they saw the headline saying “Shit storms in Texas……Flying monkey kills cow.”

Q: Why do sea lions go to Tupperware parties? A: To find a tight seal!

Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!" The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It's my nut!" The first squirrel said, "That's not fair! I saw it first!" "Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second. At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn't quarrel.Let me resolve this dispute." The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut." He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved." Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I'll take the meat."

Q: What's the difference between Chuck Norris and a bear? A: Chuck Norris has more chest hair.

What do you call a grizzly bear caught in the rain? (A drizzly bear!)

Q: Why is a swordfish's nose 11 inches long? A: Because if it were 12 inches long, it would be a foot!

Two crocks rest on the basin of a zoo talking: Yesterday, the caretaker cursed me, said the older one. What did you do? Asks the other. - I’ve swallowed him...

There was this biologist who was doing some experiments with frogs. He was measuring just how far frogs could jump. So he puts a frog on a line and says "Jump frog, jump!" The frog jumps 2 feet. He writes in his lab book: "Frog with 4 legs - jumps 2 feet." Next he chops off one of the legs and repeats the experiment. "Jump frog jump!" he says. The frog manages to jump 1.5 feet. So he writes in his lab book: "Frog with 3 legs - jumps 1.5 feet." He chops off another and the frog only jumps 1 foot. He writes in his book: "Frog with 2 legs jumps 1 foot." He continues and removes yet another leg. "Jump frog jump!" and the frog somehow jumps a half of a foot. So he writes in his lab book again: "Frog with one leg - jumps 0.5 feet." Finally he chops off the last leg. He puts the frog on the line and teels it to jump. "Jump frog, jump!" The frog doesn’t move. "Jump frog, jump!" Again the frog stays on the line. "Come on frog, jump!" But to no avail. The biologist finally writes in his book: "Frog with no legs - goes deaf."

What is the last thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits your windshield? It's ass.

SCAREDEY CAT Some time ago, I had “the talk” with my kid who recently turned 17. At the time, I told him that if he had any questions, no matter how embarrassing, I would answer them. So last week, he asked me what lesbians do and I told him. Apparently Sox, my cat, overheard me as she ran into my bedroom and has been hiding under my bed for 4 days.

Q: Why do the French eat snails? A: They don't like fast food.

Did you hear about the snobby cow? She thought she was a cutlet above the rest.

My new girlfriend is an animal in bed. Her pussy is wetter than a retards chin.

What do you call a turtle with a hard on? A slow poke.

Q: Why do mother kangaroos hate it when it rains? A: Because the kids have to play inside.

Why do elephants squirt water through their noses? If they squirted it through their tails, it'd be very difficult to aim.

Sweating like a lost goat wandering past a hungry Bedouin.

A honeymooning couple purchased a talking parrot and took it to their room. Much to the groom’s annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their lovemaking. Finally, the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn’t quit. The next morning while they were packing their bags, the groom motioned to his suitcase and said, “Darling, you get on top and I’ll try.” That didn’t work, so the bride assumed they needed more weight on the lid. “Sweetheart,” she said, “you get on top and I’ll try.” Still no success. Then the groom suggested, “Let’s both get on top and try.” At that point, the parrot pulled away the towel from his cage with his beak and said, “Zoo or no fcuking zoo, I gotta see this sh1t!”

“Can you do an impression of a parrot?” asked my mate. “Can you do an impression of a parrot?” I replied.

A city child came running into the farmhouse. “No wonder that mama pig is so big,” she yelled. “There’s a bunch of little pigs out there blowing her up!”