Jokes

Q: What do you call a horse that plays the violin in a musical? A: Fiddler on the hoof.

Would a Police-Dog arrest itself for fouling the street? Police Dog Joke Submitted by Kabogga.

Koala: What do you mean, I'm not a bear? I have all the koalafications. Elephant: Your koalafications are completely irrelephant. Lion: Don't listen to him! He's lion! Bear: This arguing is becoming unbearable!

I was in the car, hungry, miles from any convenience store or restaurant, so I scrounged around the car. Woo-Hoo! Under the passenger car seat was an unopened box of animal crackers. … … I took a minute to read the manufacturer’s “ingredients” and warnings. On the box it said, “Do not to eat it if the seal is broken.” I opened the box … Wouldn’t you know…

I have a niece that's an animal abuser. You ever see kids who love animals, but they beat the tar out of them? Right, she's like, 'I love the dog!' And then she'll tackle it and bite its ear.

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit live in the same forest, but they don't like each other. One day, they come across a golden frog who offers them three wishes each. Mr. Bear wishes that all the other bears in the forest were female. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. Mr. Bear's second wish is that all the bears in the neighboring forests were female as well. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. Mr. Bear's final wish is that all the other bears in the world were female, leaving him the only male bear in the world. Mr. Rabbit revs the engine of his motorcycle and says, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rides off.

Q: What is a thespian pony? A: A little horse play

Don't feed the animals at the zoo! You should better feed the security guard!

What do you get if you cross a bottle of water with an electric eel? A bit of a shock really.

A mouse and a lion walk into a bar, and they’re sitting there chugging away at a few beers when a giraffe walks in. “Get a load of her” says the mouse, “I fancy that!” “Well, why not try your luck?” says the lion. So the mouse goes over to the giraffe and starts talking to her, and within five minutes they’re out the door and gone into the night. The next day, the lion is in the bar and the mouse staggers in. The mouse is absolutely ragged, worn out, ruined. The lion helps his pal up onto a stool, pours a drink down his throat and asks, “What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe, what happened after that? Was she all right?” The mouse says “Yeah, she was really something else, she invited me back to her place to spend the night. “But how come you look like you’re so exhausted?” asks the lion. “Well”, says the mouse, “between the kissing and the screwing, I must have run a thousand miles!”

A frog goes into a bank, and hops up on the desk of the loan officer. ''Hi,'' he croaks.''What's your name?'' The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?'' ''Yeah,'' says the frog. ''I'd like to borrow some money.'' The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. ''Okay,what's your name?'' The frog replies, ''Kermit Jagger.'' ''Really?'' says the loan officer. ''Any relation to Mick Jagger?'' ''Yeah, he's my dad.'' ''Hmmm,'' says the loan officer. ''Do you have any collateral?'' The frog hands over a pink ceramic elephant and asks, ''Will this do?'' The loan officer says, ''Um, I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager.'' ''Oh, tell him I said hi,'' adds the frog. ''He knows me.'' The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, ''Excuse me, sir, but there's a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing; I'm not even sure what it is.'' The manager says: ''It's a knick-knack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan; his old man's a Rolling Stone.''

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can’t sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles, and he will stop snoring. ‘Yeah right!’ she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.  Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog’s testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring.  The woman is amazed. Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly. The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue  ribbon and ties it around her husband’s testicles.  Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog’s testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, ‘I don’t know where we were or what we did, but, by God we took FIRST and SECOND place!

There once was a toad that was excluded from all Green Toad activities because he was a handsome shade of yellow. So he went to visit a beautiful fairy in the town over who had the power to grant wishes. "Fairy," he said. "I would like to be green, so I can play with all the other toads." "Granted!" said the fairy, who turned him yellow. Unfortunately, his little toady penis was still yellow. "What about my penis?" he asked the fairy. "Oh! For that, you'll have to go see the wizard." And so the toad hopped off to find the wizard. Soon, a pink elephant visited the fairy, and he wished to be turned gray. She granted him the wish, but, as with the toad, his penis was still pink. So she told him to visit the wizard. "How do I find the wizard?" he asked. "Just follow the yellow d**k toad."

Did you hear about the argumentative skunk? He always liked to make a stink.

What gas do snails prefer? Shell.

How do you hire a horse? Put a brick under each hoof!

Hercules strangled two snakes in his crib when he was a baby. Chuck Norris strangled a grizzly bear moments after birth with his own umbilical cord.

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife," he tells the doctor, "when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball stuck right in the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, as I was standing there holding up the tail, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, “I can’t believe I blew thirty bucks in there.”

"Does your dog bite?" "No." (Tries to touch dog. Dog bites him) "Argh! I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" "That is not my dog."

A bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing two hikes. They both start running for their lives, but then one of them stops to put on his running shoes. His friends says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!" His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear; I only have to outrun you!"

Why do dogs make good sailors? They know their knots.

A man was shipwrecked with his dog and a sheep on a tiny island in the middle of nowhere. Everytime the man moved close to the sheep, his dog would snarl and growl at him. One day while walking the island he discovered a lovely naked lady who also had just become marooned. "Finally, some company!" he thought. While sitting on the shore and the watching the sunset with his new female friend, he slowly leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Hey, could you go walk the dog?"

Q: Why don't black kids play in sand boxs? A: Because they are affraid the cats will try to cover them up.

Q. Why did the ant fall off the toilet seat? A. Because he was pissed off!

Damn, got some shitty news today.. … … I found out that cock fighting is done with roosters… Six months of training wasted.

What's three meters high and jumps every ten seconds? A dinosaur with the hiccups.

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. ''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.'' ''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''

Q: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? A: Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.