Jokes

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

When my daughter came home from school to find her pet rabbit missing she looked everywhere for it, Eventually asking me, “Where can he be?” ” Maybe you should look somewhere where there might be carrots” I suggested “That’s a good idea” she replied “And peas, onions and gravy” I added as I dished up stew for dinner.

Q: Why don't blind people skydive? A: It scares the crap out of their seeing-eye dogs.

Why do Koalas get all the good jobs? Because they have all the right koalafications

What do you call a blind dinosaur? A Thoughtusawus.

A dog walks into a pub, and takes a seat. He says to the barman, "Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please". The barman says, "Wow, that's amazing! You should join the circus!" The dog replies, "Why? Do they need electricians?"

A farmer walks into a bar with a horse. He says, "I will give any of you $1,000 if you can make my horse laugh." A man yells, "I'll take that bet," and leads the horse into the men's room. After a couple seconds, a loud braying laugh is heard from behind the door. The farmer screams to the man, "OK, I'll give you $2,000 if you can make my horse cry." The man shouts, "You're on!" After a few more seconds, the man exits with the horse trudging behind him with tears streaming down his long-snout. Flabbergasted, the farmer asks, "How did you do it?" The man replies, "I said that my d**k was bigger than his and he laughed. Then I showed it to him."

I’m not saying the spider I found in my room last night was big, but it was a case of either stamp on the bastard or start charging it rent.

How do we know the earth isn't flat? If it were flat, cats would have already pushed everything off of it.

Once there was a blonde driving home from work when she saw a sheep farm. She stops and asks the farmer if she can have a sheep. The farmer says "If you can count all my sheep I'll let you have any one you want." The blonde looks around her for a moment and says, "You have 356 sheep." The farmer exclaims, "Wow -- you're exactly right. I guess blondes really aren't dumb. Now go pick yourself out a sheep." The blonde makes her choice, picks it up, comes back to the farmer to thank him. "Oh no," he says, "you can't have that one." "Why not?" asks the blonde, "you said I could have any sheep I wanted." And the farmer says, "Ma'am, that's my dog."

You might kill two birds with one stone, but Chuck Norris kills two stones with one bird.

Just quit my job at the poultry farm. I’m fed up of working with cocks.

Why did the mother cat move her kittens? She didn’t want to litter.

What do you get when you cross a bumble bee with a rabbit? A honey bunny.

Q. Why did the worker on the egg farm get fired from his job? A. Because he had a crack addiction.

Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? It had mittens.

When Chuck Norris was a baby he didnt have teddy bears. He had real bears.

Why did the unwashed chicken cross the road twice? Because it was a dirty double crosser.

What do you call rubber bumpers on yachts? Shark absorbers.

A hound dog lays in the yard and an old man in overalls sits on the porch. "Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" a jogger asks. The old man looks over his newspaper and replies, "Nope." As soon as the jogger enters the yard, the dog begins snarling and growling, and then attacks the jogger's legs. As the jogger flails around in the yard, he yells, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" The old man mutters, "Ain't my dog."

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent. Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.

Q: What do you call an illegally parked frog? A: Toad.

Q: A man rides in on Friday, stays two nights three days and then leaves on Friday. How is that possible? A: His horse was named Friday.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on top of a cliff. A magical bird flies to them and tells them that each one of them can jump off the cliff and wish to be one thing to fly away on. They will become that thing and can escape from their arduous situation. The redhead goes first. She jumps and says "eagle!". She turns into an eagle and flies away. The brunette jumps off and says,"hawk!" she turns into a hawk and flies away. The blonde takes a running start, trips on a rock as she nears the edge. "Oh crap!" she yells.

What do mice and men have in common? They both run around hunting for holes!

What do you call a dog wearing ear muffs? Anything you want, he cant hear you.

Q: What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? A: "It's pasture bedtime."

Chukchuk is in a Quiz Contest trying to win Prize money of Rs.1 Million US$ The questions are as follows: 1) How long was the 100 yr war? A) 116 B) 99 C) 100 D) 150 Chukchuk says, "I will skip this" 2) In which country are the Panama hats made? A) BRASIL B) CHILE C) PANAMA D) ECUADOR Chukchuk asks for help from the University students 3) In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution? A) JANUARY B) SEPTEMBER C) OCTOBER D) NOVEMBER Sardar asks for help from general public 4) Which of these was King George VI first name? A) EDER B) ALBERT C) GEORGE D) MANOEL Chukchuk asks for lucky cards 5) The Canary Islands, in the Pacific Ocean, Has its name x-udd on which animal: A) CANARY BIRD B) KANGAROO C) PUPPY D) RAT! Chukchuk gives up. SCROLL DOWN....... If you think you are indeed clever and laughed at Chukchuk 's replies, then please check the answers below: 1) The 100-year war lasted 116 years from1337-1453 2) The Panama hat is made in Ecuador 3) The October revolution is celebrated in November 4) King George's first name was Albert. In 1936 He changed his name. 5) Puppy. The Latin name is INSULARIA CANARI This means islands of the puppies. Now tell me who's the dumb one...Don' Ever Laugh at a Chukchuk again. (ChukChuk community lives some where in Siberia)

Two nuns from Ireland come to tour New York City. Before they come, they hear that Americans eat dogs, so they both agree to try it when they arrive. As they're walking around New York, they hear, "Hot Dogs! Get your hot dogs!" They rush over to get one! As the first nun opens hers, her face turns white and she gasps, "What part did you get?!"

I think bees teach us an important lesson. You may be small. You may be tiny. But when you’re chasing somebody with a sharp object… people still run away from you.