Jokes

Why did the farmer feed money to his cow? He wanted rich milk.

A mom and a son come home from the grocery store. The boy immediately empties out a box of animal crackers and the mom asks him why. The boy says, "You should not eat it if the seal is broken, so I'm looking for the seal."

Q. Why do Pandas have black eyes? A. Because they can’t satisfy their man.

Q: Why did the ant fall off the toilet bowl? A: He got pissed off.

While I was at the zoo, I observed a docent talking to three boys standing near the lions’ cage and asking them their names and what they were up to. … … The first boy said, “My name’s Tommy and I was trying to feed peanuts to the lions.” … … The second boy said, “My name’s Billy and I was trying to feed peanuts to the lions.” … … The third boy said, “My name is Peanuts.”

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck'

Q: What type of sandals do frogs wear? A: Open-toad!

What is a Zebra? A Z-bra is 25 sizes bigger than an A-bra.

Waiter: "I’ve stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog’s leg." Customer: "Don’t tell me your problems. Give the menu card."

“Doctor, doctor!” said the panic-stricken woman, “my husband was asleep with his mouth open, and he’s swallowed a mouse! What shall I do?” “Quite simple,” said the doctor calmly. “You just tie a lump of cheese to a piece of string and lower it into your husband’s mouth. As soon as the mouse takes a bite - haul it out.” “Oh, I see. Thank you, doctor. I’ll go around to the fishmonger straight away and get a cod’s head.” “What do you want a cod’s head for?” “Oh- I forgot to tell you. I’ve got to get the cat out first!”

Just bought some venison from the supermarket, its dead deer.

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon. "Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?" "Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips." "And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked. "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

Law of Pill Rejection Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Q: What do you get if you breed a pitbull terrier with Lassie? A: A dog that will chew your arm off and then run for help.

Apparently the worlds laziest fish was discovered last week, it only swims 1 inch per day. The fish lives in the Black Sea, no surprise there!

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie whose dog, Skipper, had recently died. "You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God." Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

If you crossed a cow with Michael Jackson, what song would you get? "Beeflt!"

Who robs banks and squirts ink? Billy the Squid.

Your mom's so dumb, she threw the dog and told the stick to fetch!

Why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet? It lives on ice.

Chuck Norris doesn't just bring home the bacon, he brings home the whole pig.

What did the mooron say when he saw the milk cartons in the grass? "Hey! Look at the cow's nest!"

How are skunks able to avoid danger? By using their instinks and common scents.

What do you call an alligator in a vest? Investigator!

Chuck Norris won the Kentucky derby, on a Unicorn.

Q: Why did the elephant paint himself diffrent colours? A: So he could hide in the crayon box!

Me: You wanna a duckdo? Friend: What's a duckdo? Me: Quack, you stupid f*cker.

Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster and a lollipop? A: A c**ksucker.

Q: Why did the fat turkey cross the road? A: To get hit by my car.

If a hungry shark is after you, what should you feed it? Jawbreakers.