Jokes

Q: What's worse than having termites in your piano? A: Crabs on your organ.

Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. … … I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

An elephant and a camel are talking. The elephant asks, "Why do you have boobs on your back?" The camel replies, "Ha! That's a funny question coming from an animal with a penis hanging from his face."

What's a rabbits favorite TV show? Hoppy Days.

Why was the racehorse names Strawberry Ice? He was a sherbet!

Q: Why do mama kangaroos hate rainy days? A: Because the kids have to play inside.

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?" ''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--" ''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?" ''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--'' ''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so. ''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food!" The panda yells back, "Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda, "A tree climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats, shoots, and leaves."

As a pre-med student at Washington University in St. Louis, I had to take a difficult class in physics. One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this stuff?" "To save lives." The professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted. "It usually keeps the idiots like you out of medical school," replied the professor.

Q: What does a clam do on its birthday? A: Shellabrate!

A man on a beach sees a shark near a child in the shallows. Ignoring personal safety, he dives in the water and, with his bare hands, kills the shark. He brings the tot to shore and is met with tumultuous applause from spectators. "Geez, mate" says a reporter "You should get a medal. What part of Australia are you from?" Modestly our hero says: "Actually I'm from England." The next days newspaper headline says "Pommy mongrel kills child's pet"

A snail was robbed by 2 turtles. The cop asked if he could describe the assailants. The snail replied, “It all happened so fast.”

What do you get if you cross a skunk and a cartoon penguin? Pingu-Pong.

Little Billy looks at the chimpanzees from the zoo. Mama, little Billy shouts, this monkey looks like our neighbour, Mr. Danny. Billy, it’s not polite to talk like that! Why? The chimpanzee doesn’t understand...

Q: Why are fish easy to weigh? A: Because they have their own scales.

Q: What do you call a chilly dog sitting on bunny? A: A Cold dog on a bun.

Q: Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow? A: So, when you pull their tits they won't shit on the floor.

In what type of weather is the vet the busiest? When its raining cats and dogs.

why did the black chicken cross the road ? to get to the other side you racist bastard.

I recently got accused of ?screwing the pooch? -- which I think is my favorite idiom in the English language because I think it's a big leap from a minor mishap to bestiality.

What is the difference between a man and a catfish? One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

Chuck Norris once round house kicked a bear while on a survival trek in Siberia. That incident was known as the Tunguska event.

Just got a job handling financial transactions for a multi-billion dollar company. I’ve become a cashier at KFC.

Where did the mooron take the baby cow to eat? To the calf-ateria.

what is the diffrent between a chicken and a prostute/ chicken goes cockadoodle do prostute goes any cock will do

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An elephant who never forgets to eat his carrots.

A farmer has 895 sheep. …. …. Realizing that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and ol’ Jess the sheepdog is getting on in years, he decides he’ll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up. … … … So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding dogs- they seem very fit, but young and untrained. The shopkeeper asks the farmer if he wants any help. …. …. “Why yes,” says the farmer. I need a team of sheepdogs to help round up my flock. I have a rather large number of sheep, you see, and I don’t think any of these young pups would be up to the task of rounding up so many.” The shopkeeper says, “I’ve got just the thing for you.” and leads the farmer into a small back room, where a single sheepdog sits waiting. “Are you sure?” asks the farmer, “I have very many sheep and I don’t think one dog will be able to round all of them up.”. “I’m sure.” says the shopkeeper, “This is a very intelligent dog. He’s been well-trained for many jobs and has skills beyond any other dog I’ve ever seen.” “Yes,” says the dog, “I know six languages, eight martial arts and I have a degree in engineering.” The farmer, clearly very impressed by this dog- who wouldn’t be impressed by that?- decides to take him home. That afternoon, the farmer and the dog walk together up hill, and from the top they can see the entire flock covering the fields. “Well,” says the farmer, “I’d like you to round up all of these sheep.”. “Okay.” replies the dog, “You have nine hundred sheep.”

The best way to smuggle drugs into a country is to place them carefully in a dog's bottom... because at the airport, if the sniffer dog suspects anything, the officials will think they're just being frisky... unless of course your dog wears sunglasses and sweats a lot.

Q: How do you talk to a fish? A: You drop him a line.

You know what they say about Bigfoot? I'm bigger.