Jokes

A flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger overloaded with bags tried to stuff his belongings in the overhead bin of the plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the over-sized luggage. "When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this problem." The flight attendant smiled, "When you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."

Back in the day of open cockpits and stunt planes, an elderly couple went every year to the State Fair. Poppa always wanted to fly in the stunt plane, but mamma would always tell him no. "Ten dollars is ten dollars, we don't have that kind of money to waste," she would always say. Each year was the same. One year, the stunt pilot heard poppa ask mamma if they could go up because they weren't getting any younger. The pilot told them he would not charge them the ten dollars if he took them up and he did not hear a word from either of them. Mamma agreed to the arrangement. The pilot did not spare the spins and rolls. When he landed, he turned to poppa to tell him how proud he was of them, because they didn't open their mouths. He was shocked to find mamma was not in the plane. "Where's mamma?" he asked emphatically. "Oh, she fell out." "Why didn't you say anything?" "Because, ten dollars is ten dollars."

A couple were travelling on a flight. An air hostess approaches the man, with an attractive lady following right behind her, and asks, "Sir, would you like an upgrade?" He replied, "Oh yes, thank you." The air hostess turns to his wife and says, "Get up, let her sit here."

A large two engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half-power. Further on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we have no power. The good news is that this is a train and not a plane."

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock... If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours... If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells... If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3... and if it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

There is a Rookie Pilot and CoPilot and they are coming in for a landing, the Pilot says, "Damn that runway is small give me 1/4 flaps". As they get closer the Pilot says, "Damn that's a small runway, give me 1/2 flaps." As they're coming in closer the Pilot again says, "Damn that's a small Runway Give me Full Flaps." After they land the Plane safely the Pilot says, "That's the smallest runway I've ever landed on." Then the CoPilot says, "Yes it is, but look it how wide it is."

When you're on an airplane and you meet someone whose first name is JACK whatever you do DON'T GREET HIM. You might get in trouble with the authorities.

A hypothetical situation where 20 CEO's board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature Pilot less technology: It is an un-crewed aircraft. Each one of the CEO's is then told, privately, that their company's software is Aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEO's promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse. One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed, asked why he is so confident in this first un-crewed flight, he replies "If it is the same software that runs my company's IT systems, this plane won't even take off." This is Confidence!

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?" "Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

103 passengers and only 40 meals got loaded on a INDIA to US flight. The Airline had messed up, and the crew was in a fix. However, one smart flight attendant has an idea. About 30 minutes into the flight she nervously announces, "I don't know how this happened but we have 103 passengers and only 40 dinners.". When the passengers muttering had died down she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his/ her meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free unlimited liquor during the entire duration of the flight.". Her next announcement came an hour and a half later, "if anyone wants to change his/her mind we still have 40 dinners available!".

Q: How is Southwest Airlines capitalizing on Tiger Woods infidelty woes? A: By introducing a special Tiger Woods rate where mistresses fly free!

Rajiv and Priya are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives." Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later, Rajiv turns to his wife and asks, “Priya, did we pay our deposit cheque yet to ICICI Bank?” “No, sweetheart” she responds. Rajiv, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, “Priya, did we pay our ICICI Bank Mastercard yet?” “Oh no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the cheque,” she says. “One last thing, Priya. Did you remember to send cheques for the auto loan to them too this month?” he asks. “Oh, forgive me, Rajiv,” begged Priya. “I didn’t send that one, either.” Rajiv grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 40 years. Priya pulls away and asks him, “So, why did you hug me?” “Rajiv answers, “They’ll find us!”

Smart answer by a female... On a flight, a guy asked a beautiful lady sitting next to him. "Nice perfume.....which brand is it? I want to gift it to my wife." Lady replies, "Don't give it to her, some idiot will find an excuse to talk to her!"

Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was an absolute wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear. "Hey, pal, what's the matter?" Jack asked "Oh man... I've been transferred to California," the other guy answered, "there's crazy people in California and they have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate..." "Hold on," Jack interrupted, "I've lived in California all my life, and it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world." The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?" "Me?" said Jack, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."

Signs You've Chosen a "No Frills" Airline: You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change. Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once." No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes. You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

An airplane encountered some turbulence, it started juddering and rocking noticeably from side to side. The flight crew wheeled out the drinks cart to keep the passengers calm. The attendant asked a business man “Would you like a drink?" “Why not?” he replied unkindly “I’ll have whatever the pilot’s been having."

A young blonde with a coach ticket went up and sat down in the first class section of a plane going from Tampa to Los Angles The airline hostess said I'm sorry miss but you have to sit in the coach section. The blonde replied " I'm blonde and beautiful and I'm going to LA " She wouldn't move. Finally the first officer came up and whispered in her ear. The blonde jumped up and ran back to coach The stewardess asked the first officer what he said to the blonde. I told her First Class doesn't stop in LA.

Flights with Aer Lingus to USA from Dublin for £50. Use of the toilet £300.

When people go underwater in scary movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation. I almost died in Finding Nemo.

Being airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening Air Lingus​ flight from ​Dublin​, the lead flight attendant​ nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up... one minute prior to take-off, by our catering service..., I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and..., unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals... I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.” When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued..., "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 4 hour flight.” Her next announcement came about 2 hours later... "If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."

A nervous passenger decided to purchase flight insurance at the ticket counter. She had some time before the flights departure, so she stopped in a Chinese restaurant in the concourse. She started to shake as she read her fortune cookie... “Today’s investment will pay big dividends!”

The flight attendant was pointing out to passengers that their seats could be removed and used as floatation devices. One woman, on her first flight, said, “I’d prefer to be sitting on a parachute!’

A man seating on a window seat discovered two engines on fire. He began to holler, two engines on fire! Two engines on fire! The passengers began to panic. Suddenly the pilot ran from the cockpit with a parachute on his back. “Don’t worry”! He yelled. I’m going for help!

A nervous passenger decided to purchase flight insurance at the ticket counter. She had some time before the flights departure, so she stopped in a Chinese restaurant in the concourse. She started to shake as she read her fortune cookie: “today’s investment will pay big dividends!”

A passenger was having difficulty lugging his oversized travel bag onto the plain. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin. “Do you always carry such heavy luggage? She asked, winded. “Never again!” the man said. “Next time, I’m riding in the bag, and my friend can buy the ticket!"

It was dinner time on a British Airways flight from London to New York. As the flight attendant moved down the plane, she asked one of the passengers: “Would you like dinner?” “What are my choices?” asked the passenger. “Yes or No,” replied the attendant

An airplane encountered some turbulence, it started juddering and rocking noticeably from side to side. The flight crew wheeled out the drinks cart to keep the passengers calm. The attendant asked a business man “Would you like a drink? “Why not?” he replied unkindly “I’ll have whatever the pilot’s been having.

A guy called a budget airline to book a flight. The operator asked: “How many people area traveling? “How should I know?” said the man. “It’s your plane!”

A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly loses engine power and the aircraft begins to decent. The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them. Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door. The pilots screams at him, "Didn't you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!". "Of course I heard you", the man replied, "but it's also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!"

A businessman finds that his neighbor in the first class cabin of his flight is a parrot. They take off and the flight attendant asks what they would like to drink. "Glenlivet on the rocks with a twist," says the parrot. The businessman orders a coke. After waiting two or three minutes, the bird starts yelling, "Where's my drink?! Stop fooling around and give me my drink!" The fight attendant runs to him with his glass, leaving the businessman still thirsty. Half an hour later the fight attendant makes a second round. The bird orders another Glenlivet and a Wall Street Journal. The businessman asks for another coke. Again, after a couple of minutes, the bird screams, squawking, "You lazy idiot! Where is my drink?!" The poor woman nearly trips over herself getting the parrot his drink and the newspaper. The businessman still has nothing, and after ten more minutes decides to take his cue from the bird. "Hey! Where's my coke! The service here stinks!" Out of nowhere the purser, the captain and two passengers grab the businessman and the bird, open the hatch and throw them out of the plane. At 30,000 feet in the air the two fall side by side and the parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings."