Jokes

I call her. She tells me my dog, Sluggo, just took a dump on the new carpet. I'm like, 'Shoot him.' She goes, 'That's just like you, Ron. I have a genuine problem, and you're being sarcastic.' 'Alright, honey, I'm sorry. Put the dog on the phone. I'll talk to him.'

Why did the frog cross the road? Some mean little kid super-glued it to the chicken.

What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air? A seahorse.

Q. Why are fish so smart? Q. Why are fish so smart A. Because they swim in schools!

There was a man who visisted the zoo. There was also a kangaroo. The kangaroo had a joey (baby kangaroo) in it's pouch. The kangaroo looked into the man pants and said "Wow, your joey is so small."

There once was a lion, whose best friend was a turkey. There was a great famine and the lion was pretty hungry, so the turkey ate him and put him out of his misery.

Q: Whats worse then finding a worm in your apple? A: Finding half a worm."

I just wrote an article about the love I always have for my horse. It's entitled, 'I'm Stable; You Live in One.'

What is slimy and wobbly, tastes of raspberry and lives in the seas? A red jellyfish.

Little Johnny's teacher said, "Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's." Did you copy hers?, she asked. Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger lept toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself." The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same." The old explorer said, "No, not then -- just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"

What did the male squirrel say when the female attacked him... Get away from my nuts.

I would slap you but that would be animal abuse.

Want to see why the Sherpas call me the Abdominal Showman?

What's a moo hoo for a cattle dinner? Cow chow.

Q: What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A: A thesaurus.

What's invisible and smells like carrots? Rabbit farts.

Why do rabbits go to the beauty parlor? For hare care.

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

I work at a pharmaceutical research lab, and we managed to kill a rat with marijuana today. To be fair, it took around 20 lbs of it and we had to drop it on him a few times.

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

Customer: "Waiter, there’s a fly swimming in my soup." Waiter: "So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?"

Why don't lobsters share? They re shellfish.

A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a pint of beer and a.......... packet of peanuts." The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"

How do you make a rabbit fast? Don't feed it.

A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders. He says, “What the hell is that all about?” The farmer says, “We had a fire in the chicken coop and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm. There ain’t nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other.”

You know how hard it is for you to get pregnant, so there's nothing to worry about!

What do you call a ham you really want? Pork-you-pine!

I don't eat food that a dog won't touch. That's my guideline. Try to give tofu to a dog. He goes, 'I don't think so. No.' It's a dog. It licks between its legs and sniffs fire hydrants. If he doesn't like something, I go with that opinion. He's drinking out of the toilet. Find out what he thinks.

Bears do not eat bears. Tigers do not eat tigers. Dogs do not eat dogs. Cats stopped eating kebabs.