Jokes

Did you hear about the 6 Chinese sailors who were killed by a killer whale? Apparently it was an orca-strated attack.

There was this lion who had just eaten a bull,and he felt good. He felt so good he opened his mouth and roared and roared. He roared until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral of the story is: when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

What do you call a show full of lions? The mane event.

Q. Why did the parrot die of starvation? A. Because it couldn’t say I’m hungry.

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen. "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!" "Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

Why did the duck cross the road? to prove he was no chicken

God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions, so he decides to create a companion for man as well. He comes to see Adam and says to him, "Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion. She will long for you and no other, she will be highly intelligent, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command. She will be beautiful and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg." Thinking for a few moments, Adam replies, "What can I get for a rib?"

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?" Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!" The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?" Confused, the bartender says no. "Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

What do you call a neurotic octopus? A crazy, mixed-up squid.

What kind of money do polar bears use? Ice lolly.

What is green and red and goes 100 miles an hour? A frog in a blender.

What do cows wear when they are on vacation in Hawaii? Moo moos.

A bumble bee was chasing a rabbit. Finally the bee turned around and flew away. Why? The rabbit had two b's already.

Growing up was rough. Most of the responsibility of taking care of my ever-growing family was put on me. I was in over my head -- Joyce would not leave my side; Carl had eye problems; Betsy lost a leg. Finally, I was like, 'I cannot raise any more stuffed animals. I have no time to myself. It is my body. It is my choice.' Eventually, they all left home to join the Salvation Army.

What do you call a herd of cows in a psychiatrists office? An encownter group.

What do you get if you cross a zebra with an ape man? Tarzan stripes forever.

Are you a cat because you're purrrrrrfect.

Q: What do you get if you cross a bear with a toilet? A: Winnie the Pooh.

Guy: what mouse walks on two legs? guy #2: IDK guy: mickey mouse, what duck walks on two legs? guy #2: donald duck! guy: all ducks dumbass

An American tourist walks out of a Mexican train station when he notices he isn't wearing his watch. A Mexican man is resting under a sombrero under a nearby tree. The American approaches the Mexican and asks, "Excuse me, do you know what time is?" The Mexican looks at the donkey, grabs its balls, and replies, "4:30." The American asks, "How do you know that?" The Mexican replies, "Well you get a handful of the donkeys balls and lift them up so you can see that clock across the street."

I hear you take milk baths. That's right. Why? I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower.

Do you wanna play lion tamer? she asks: "What is that?" you say: It's when you get on all fours and I put my head in your mouth.

Q: There are 500 bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left? A: 499 Q: What are the three steps to putting an elephant in the fridge? A: Open door, put elephant in, close door. Q: What are the 4 steps to putting a giraffe in the fridge? A: Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door. Q: The Lion King is having a birthday party. All the animals attend but one. Which animal is it, and why? A: Giraffe. He's stuck in a fridge. Q: Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There's no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely. Why? A: The alligators are all at a birthday party. Q: Sally dies anyways. Why? A: She got hit in the head by a flying brick.

I feel like having a baby and having a dog are pretty much the same except for the part where your vagina gets ruined.

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with strawberry soda? A berry bubbly bunny.

Q: If fruit grows on a fruit tree, then what does chicken grow on? A: A poultry.

What did the baby dolphin do when he didn't get his way? He whale-d.

A woman owned a parrot that could say only one thing - “Who is it?” For years and years she had been trying to teach it to extend its vocabulary, but it resolutely refused to utter anything other than “Who is it?” One day she had sent for the plumber, and as she had to go out shopping she arranged for him to find the key under the mat outside the front door. The plumber duly arrived, found the key, let himself in and set to work. Naturally the parrot, hearing someone in the house with an unfamiliar tread, decided to give a recital. “Who is it?” called the parrot. The plumber!” called the workman. Hearing a strange voice the parrot again decided to utter his one and only phrase. “Who is it?” “The plumber!” came the response. The parrot was not satisfied - he wanted to see who the stranger was. “Who is it? He called again, and again the plumber yelled out “It’s the plumber!” Again and again the bird called out “Who is it?” and again and again the poor bewildered plumber responded - “It’s the plumber! It’s the plumber! IT”S THE PLUMBER!” Eventually in a fury he roamed the house, going from room to room, trying to find out who was calling him - but he failed to realize that it was the parrot. This went on for a while, with him dashing around the house, growing increasingly desperate, and shouting out “It’s the plumber!” until eventually the wretched man fainted clean away in the hall! Just at that moment the mistress of the house entered, saw the unconscious figure on the carper and said, “Oh! Who is it?” The parrot replied, “It’s the plumber!”

Two ducks are in a pond. One went “Quack quack!” and the other duck said, “That’s funny, I was just about to say that!”

A family is driving in their car on a holiday. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out an takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road. Frog is grateful, thanks the man, and tells him that he will grant him a wish. Man says: please make my dog win the next dog race. Frog asks to look at the dog which jumps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog has only got three legs and tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish. The man says: "Well, then please help that my wife will win the next beauty contest in the area." Frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car. Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog. The frog turns to the man and says: "Could I please have another look at the dog?"