Jokes

I took my wife to a dog show last week, she finished in 3rd place.

I found out why camels are called ships of the desert. Apparently they’re full of Arab semen

Two silk worms get into a wrestling match. … …. … It ended in a tie.

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep with a teddy bear. He sleeps with a real bear.

Q: What do you call a cow murder mystery? A: A moo-done-it.

When Chuck Norris wants salmon he eats the bear too.

What fur do we get from a tiger? As fur as possible!

Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves. They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother. "Well," said the first one, "I bought Mom a huge house in Beverly Hills." "I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her." "I've got you both beat," said the third. "I bought her a miraculous parrot that can recite any Bible verse you tell it to." A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons. "Gerald - the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, but I have to clean the entire house. Milton - the car is useless because I don't go anywhere because I'm too old. But Robert - you know exactly what I like. The chicken was delicious."

Why did the horses kept saying orange juice? Because a filly gulped to much orange juice that she turned orange!

Q. What animal has a long nose and a c*nt on it’s back? A. Police horse.

Q: Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road? A: It wanted to lay it on the line.

Man in the circus in the Lions cage, says to the audience “i can make this Lion suck my cock”. The Lions growling, the man takes out his cock then hits the lion over the head with a stick, the Lion stops growling opens his mouth and starts sucking the mans cock! The man then turns to the audience and arrogantly says “would anyone else like to try this”? An old woman puts her hand up and says “Yes me, but dont hit me with that stick”,

If I was a dog, and you was a flower, I'd lift up my legs, and give you a shower.

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. “Dear,” she chirped, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”

What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow? Cowboom!

How do you know when there's a rabbit in your bed? You can smell the carrots on his breath.

What do ducks wear to party's? A duck-sedo!

A snail is walking down the road, when all of a sudden two turtles appear. They rough up the snail, take his money, and leave him for dead. Months later in the courtroom, after the two turtles have been arrested, the judge asks the snail to describe what happened on the night of the assault. The snail says, "Gee, I would love to, your honor, but it all happened so fast!"

If a four-legged animal is a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped. What's a tiger? A stri-ped.

Q: Why did the lion brake up with his girlfriend? A: Cuz she was a CHEETAH!

When does a rabbit go exactly as fast as a train? When it's on the train.

I tried to teach my dog to dance today. It was useless. He’s got two left feet.

Q:Why don't giraffes like fast food? A:Because they can't catch it!

A man goes to his seat on an airplane and finds a parrot in the seat next to him. Once in the air, the stewardess comes by, and when the man asks her for a coffee, the parrot squawks, "And get me a whiskey, you cow!" The flustered stewardess brings back a whiskey for the parrot, but forgets the coffee. When the man points this out, the parrot immediately drains its glass and yells, "And get me another whiskey, you cow!" The upset stewardess returns shortly with a whiskey for the parrot, but still no coffee. The man decides to try the parrot's approach: "I've asked you twice for a coffee, cow, now go and get it!" Two burly stewards grab the man and the parrot, take them to the emergency exit and throw them out. As they eject from the plane, the parrot turns to the man and says, "You know, for someone who can't fly, you're a mouthy S.O.B.!"

Q) What do you call a dog with no legs? A) It doesn't matter, he won't come!

How does a group of dolphin's make a decision? Flipper coin.

Two veterinarians are walking through the woods. The first vet states that he is the best vet in the world, and the second vet disagrees. The argument goes on for about 5 minutes when they stop at an old oak tree with an owl sitting on a branch. The first vet says, “To prove how skilled I am, I bet I can perform a tonsillectomy on that owl without waking it up.” The second doctor takes on his bet, thinking he is full of it, but astonishingly, the first vet performs a flawless surgery without the owl waking up. Obviously the second vet needs to show him up and he exclaims, “I bet I can neuter it without it waking up!” The first vet insists that it is impossible, but the second vet gives it hell anyway. Against all odds, the second vet performs the surgery just as well as the first vet. They settle their feud and both agree that they are the best veterinarians in the world. A few days later two owls are flying over the same old oak tree and the first owl says, “Hey that looks like a great place to land for the night, whaddya think?” The second owl says, “Hell no! Last time I landed there, I woke up and I couldn’t hoot worth a fcuk, or fcuk worth a hoot!”

A woman gets up, puts up the shade, takes the cover off the parrot’s cage, makes coffee, and has a cigarette. Suddenly the phone rings. Her boyfriend is coming over. She puts out the cigarette, pulls down the shade, puts the cover back on the parrot’s cage, and gets back into bed. The parrot, from under the cloth, “Well that was a short fcukin’ day!”

Rabbit: "I got kicked out of my cage for not paying the rent. My wife walked out and took our twenty-nine bunnies with her. I m all out of carrots. What should I do?" Friend: "Don't worry; be hoppy!"

Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day? A: Forget-me-nuts.