Jokes

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day? Hogs and Kisses!

What's the best way to catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on him.

I would hate to be a centipede. Can you imagine leg day at the gym.

Two blondes went to the pound where each adopted a puppy. The joy of their new best friend was quickly overshadowed when they got home and the first blonde said, “I think we’re in trouble, how are we going to tell them apart?” This lead to several hours of concentration until finally, the second blonde said, “I’ve got an idea. We’ll tie a red bow around my puppy and a blue bow around yours.” The next day the first blonde comes running up to the second when she got home, “Oh no, I can’t tell whose puppy is whose. They’ve pulled the ribbons off while they were playing.” “OK, we need to find a better way to tell them apart,” says the second blonde. After several more hours of concentration, they came up with the bright idea of getting different colored collars. Again, the next day, the first blonde comes running up to the second as soon as she gets home, “Oh no, I can’t tell whose puppy is whose. They’ve pulled their collars off while they were playing.” “There’s got to be some way to tell them apart,” says the second blonde. After several more hours of concentration, the first blonde finally comes up with another idea, “I know! Why don’t you take the black one and I’ll take the white one!”

One day a man heard knocking at his door. He opened the door only to see a small snail sitting there smiling. The guy picked the snail up and threw it as far as he possibly could. Three years later he heard knocking at the door again. He opened the door to see the snail. The snail said, "What the hell was that all about?"

I was just told that my dog chased someone on a bicycle and bit him. That's bullshit, my dog can't even ride a bicycle.

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asked her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, “It’s nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?” He says, “O.K., Get in the car with it.” “Where shall I put it to get it warm?” He says, “Put it in between your legs. It’s nice and warm there. “But what about the smell?” “Just hold its nose.” The man is expected to recover, but she used the skunk to beat him with and it died at the scene.

There are 2 cats. The one two three cat and the un deux trois cat. They had a race across the English Channel. Which cat won? The one two three cat because the un deux trois cat cinq.

Q: What do you say to a bodybuilding cow farmer? A: Show us your calves!

Sorry, my dog ate your text message.

I love the way you move...like butter on a bald monkey.

Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."  The other cow replied, "Hell, I ain't worried, it won't affect us ducks."

If a stork brings white babies, and a blackbird brings black babies, what bird brings NO babies? … A Swallow.

Q: What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog? A: Gee, we really do taste like chicken!

Chuck Norris once walked in the opposite direction in the Running of the Bulls. The bulls turned around and ran for their lives.

Q:whats a frogs favorite drink? A:croke a cola!

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?" The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky, wherever I go, Chucky goes." "I'm sorry sir.", said the ticket agent, "We don't allow animals in the theater." The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie. "Marge", whispered Mildred. "What", said Marge. "I think this guy next to me is a pervert.", said Mildred. "What makes you think that", asked Marge. "He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred. "Well, don't worry about it", said Marge, "At our age we've seen them all." "I thought so", said Mildred, "But this one is eating my popcorn!"

What has antlers, pulls Father Christmas sleigh and is made of cement? I don't know. A reindeer. What about the cement? I just threw that in to make it hard.

A woman gets onto a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "There's no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a pig ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn’t. The pig was killed. The President told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. About an hour later the driver staggers back to the car with his clothes in total disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily. “What happened?” asked the President. “Well,” the driver replied “the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me.” “My God, what did you tell them?” asked the President. The driver replied: “I’m Bill Clinton’s driver, and I just killed the pig.”

Yo mamma so fat and scary, Godzilla watches "yo mamma" movies!

What kind of noise annoys an oyster? A noisy noise annoys an oyster. (Try saying that fast!)

Q: What happens when you cross a shark with a cow? A: I don't know but I wouldn't milk it.

A guy rings his boss and says "I can't come to work today" The boss asks why and the guy says "it's my eyes." "What's wrong with your eyes?" asks the boss. "I just can't see myself coming to work, so I'm going fishing instead..."

If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have? Plenty of milk.

A policeman caught a mischievous little boy with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other. "Now listen here," the policeman said, "Whatever you do to that poor, innocent creature I shall personally do to you." "In that case," said the boy, "I'll give it lots of chocolates as well as all my money and let it go."

Just saw a donkey crossing the road, funny thing was he looked both ways. Smart ass xxxx

How do you know when you re eating rabbit stew? When it has hares in it.

The reason we are human is because Chuck roundhouse kicked a monkey into a higher species.

Whats the difference in a seagull and a babys diaper? A seagull flits across the shore and a baby shits across the floor.