Jokes

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper looks at the bartender, with a look of extreme confusion on his face, and says, "You have a drink called Steve?"

After a long day a sailor enters a bar, and noticed a pirate sitting at the bar. The pirate has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch. So the sailor walks over to the pirate and says, “May I ask how you lost your leg?" The pirate replied, "Arrrrr one stormy night on me ship I fell overboard, and a shark swam up to me and bit off me leg." The sailor says,"That's to bad, but how did you lose your hand?" The pirate replied, "Arrrrr, one day at sea me and my crew were battling an enemy and we were using swords so one of those b**t**ds cut off me hand." "How did you lose your eye?" asked the sailor. "Well, one summer day I was looking at the clouds, and a seagull came and pooped in me eye," said the pirate. "You lost your eye because a seagull pooped in it?“ said the sailor. "No, you see it was the first day with the hook!“

Overheard at the track: “Horse racing is very romantic. The horse hugs the rail, the jockey puts his arms around the horse, and you kiss your money good-by.”

A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read: “Here lies John Smith, a lawyer and an honest man.” “How about that!” he exclaimed. “They’ve got three people buried in one grave.”

A guy walks into a bar, sits at the counter and said "Drinks, everybody on me, even you bar tender" on my tab. Every one got a drink and thanked the man. After a while he man said "Drinks, everybody on me, even you bar tender. Put it on my tab." Everybody got their drinks and thanked the man. The bar tender pulled the man to the side and asked him "You know this is going to be a lot of money, can you pay for this? The man said "No". The bar tender took the man in the back, beat him up, and threw him out the back door. The man brushed himself off, and went back into the bar. He sat down and said "Drinks, everybody, on me. Except for you bartender, you don't know how to act when you get drunk

A man entered a library and asked, "can I have a pint of largar and a packet of crisp?" The librarian said " I’m sorry but this is a library " Then the man WHISPERED "!Oh, sorry can I have a pint of largar and a packet of crisp?"

A server walks over to a table and gets ready to deliver the check to a guy. The guy asks the server do you take checks and the server said, I? no sir I am sorry. The guy replies neither do I

A man is in a pawnshop and sees this beautiful Grandfather Clock and winds up buying it. He asks the owner if he can deliver the clock and the owner replies that he cannot make deliveries. So only living a few blocks away the man decides to strap the clock on his back and carry it the few blocks. After a block or so, a drunk comes staggering out of a bar and bumps into the man knocking him down on his back and smashing the clock to bits. He then jumps up and starts cussing the drunk out and saying, "Look what you did to my beautiful clock you idiot!” The drunk then replies, "Gee buddy, I’m really sorry, but why don’t you wear a wristwatch like everyone else?"

A mushroom walks into a bar. He sees a pretty lady sitting all by herself so he walks up to her and takes a seat. He offers to buy her a drink. "No way," she replies, "you are a mushroom." "Come on now," he says, "I’m FUNGI (fun-guy)"

A bull walks into a bar and says give me a margarita. The bartender gives it to him for free because he is dead scared of mad bulls. The bull give him one good look and replies" don't worry, I pay cash when I am not mad."

A ghost walks into a bar at midnight, and asks the bartender for a Whisky. The bartender says " Sorry we don't serve spirits after 11"

Three businessmen went to a luncheon at a restaurant. While waiting for the waiter they were comparing papers. While passing a paper, the paper was ripped. At that the waiter returned to the table and request drink orders: Waiter: What would you like, sir? Businessman #1: Martini, please. Waiter: how would you like it? Businessman #1: on the rocks Waiter: (to business man #2) what would you like? Businessman #2: I'll have an iced tea Waiter: (to business man #3) and you sir? Businessman #3: A scotch.' Waiter: how would you like it? Businessman #3: TAPE!!

A drunk was leaning against a lamppost staring up at a signboard and yelling, "It can't be done, it's too big! Another drunk staggered by and slurred, "What can't be done?" The other drunk answered. "What does that sign say, 'DRINK CANADA DRY'. "It's just too damn big, it can’t be done!"

A man comes home after an assignment of 3-years and he finds, there is an additional member of the family, a 29 months toddler. Furious he demands an explanation: He says, how could you have done this to me! Did you cheat on me with one of my friends, was it Josh, was it Nathan, or was it John? His wife with a daring look says, your friends! Your friends! Don’t you think I have my own friends too?

Horse walks into a bar and the bar tender asks..."Hey buddie, whats with the LONG face"...

A college professor walked into a bas and said, “Bring me a martinus.” The bartender smiled and said, “You mean martini?” “If I want more than one,” snapped the professor, “I’ll order them”

A bar owner locked up his place at 2 AM and went home to sleep. He had been in bed only a few minutes when the phone rang. “What time do you open up in the morning?” he heard an obviously inebriated man inquire. The owner was so furious, he slammed down the receiver and went back to bed. A few minutes later there was another call and he heard the same voice ask the same question. “Listen, the owner shouted, “there’s no sense in asking me what time I open because I wouldn’t let a person in your condition in—“ “I don’t want to get in,” the caller interjected. “I want to get out.”

In a darkets night, a policeman watches a staggering man trying in vain to unlock a door. "Is this your home, after all?" the policeman asks. "Sure, I'll prove it to you if you help me." Inside, the man explains, "You see, this is my bedroom. And this is my wife." "And who is the man next to her?" the policemand wants to know. "That's me!"

A man goes into a bar and orders double bourbon. He takes a sip of the drink and says to the bartender: "I shouldn’t be drinking this with what I’ve got." The bartender says: "What have you got". The man replies: "30 cents".

This guy runs into a bar and asks the bartender for a glass of water. The bartender ignores him, and instead, pulls out a pistol, stating that they don't serve water. The guy, then says thanks a lot, and then leaves. The customers, baffled and confused, then asked the bartender why the guy had told him thanks. The bartender then replied, " Easy, he had the hiccups".

There were 2 men at a bar, the first man said to the other one, "I know a bridge where you can jump off and return safely." The other man who was shocked asked the man to show it to him. After they finished their drinks the second man asked him to demonstrate, so the first man jumped off the bridge and flew back. The second man dumbfounded decided why not give it a try. He jumped off and died. When the first man went back to the bar the bartender said, "Superman you are so cruel when you are drunk!"

A small piece of rope climbed onto a barstool. The bartender said he did not serve rope in his bar, and tossed it out to the street. The rope asked a passerby to tie him into a knot, and then ruffle both ends. The rope went back into the bar, the bartender looked down at him and said, "Hey aren’t you that same piece of rope I just tossed out?" the rope responded: no sir “I am a frayed knot.”

Phil had just joined a club after his friend had recommended it (being a member for quite some time). They were sitting at the bar having their beers when someone yelled "21" and there was a small uproar of laughter. A few minutes later someone else yelled "34" and another roar of laughter rose up. Phil, confused about this asked his friend "Why is everyone laughing at the numbers being called out" His friend said, well we've been telling the same jokes for so many years that we just numbered them all and if you want to tell a joke you just call out a number" Phil nodded and said "Can I try?" His friend nodded and Phil called out "121" and everyone in the club roared with laughter and it didn't die down for at least another 15 minutes after. "Why did everyone laugh so hard at that joke?" Phil asked. His friend said with a small chuckle "We haven't heard that one before." 

There were two strangers sitting in a bar, one says to the other. "Psst, wanna see somethin'?" The other man shrugged and agreed. The first man pointed to an object covered by a cloth. "Look under that cloth but DO NOT take it off. So the man walks over to the object that is quite large and peeks under it. However, when he saw what was under it he screamed and accidentally pulled the cloth off. It was a one eyed purple monster! The man was so scared he took off in his car. The monster was hot on his trail. He drove to the airport and on the plane he felt safe but he looked into the ocean and the monster was swimming after him to Africa! When he got there he ran off the plane without his luggage. He couldn't run anymore and the monster was coming closer. He could feel it's hot breath. He stopped and the monsters big hand reached down. The man knew this was his last day when he heard in a growling voice as an impact hit him, YOUR IT! And the monster ran away. 

The Old Man and the Sea A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"  The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".  "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?  "Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."  "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?  "A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.  "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.  "Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook." 

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Hey bartender. If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?" The bartender says "sure" and the drunk pulls a frog out of his pocket and sets it down on the table. The frog then plays the best jazz the bartender heard in years and he gives the drunk his free drink. The drunk says " hey bartender. If I show you another trick will you give me another free drink?" The bartender says "If it's anything like the trick you just showed me, you can drink the rest of the night for free." So the drunk pulls a rat out of his pocket and the rat starts singing. The bartender starts pouring drinks for the drunk as fast as the drunk could drink them. Two hours later, an agent walks into a bar and sees the frog and the rat. He walks up to the bartender and says "That's the greatest act I've seen in years. Who owns that act?" The bartender points to the drunk who's passed out on the floor and says "He does." The agent wakes the drunk and says" That's the greatest act I’ve seen in years. I'll give you $100,000 for that act." The drunk says "There not for sale." "Ok," the agent says "then I'll give you $50,000 for the singing rat." "It's a deal" the drunk says so the agent gives him the money and leaves with the rat. "I can't believe you! You had a million dollar rat there you just passed it up for a measly 50 grand" The bartender yells. "Relax," said the drunk, "The frogs a ventriloquist."

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

A man was at the bar and asked for a shot and so the bartender gave him the drink the man drank it then looked in his pocket. Then the man asked for another so the bartender again gave it to him then after he took the drink the man looked in his pocket. The man asked for another drink and did the same thing. Then the bartender asked the man why he kept looking in his pocket, and the man said there is a picture of my wife in there and when she starts looking good that’s when I will go home.

A man got really drunk one night in his local pub. The barman refused to serve him any more alcohol and told him he should be heading home. The man thought this was a good idea so he stood up to leave but fell over straight away. He tried to stand up again but only fell over again. He thought if only he could get outside and get some fresh air he'd be grand. So he crawled outside then tried to stand up and fell over again. In the end after falling over lots more he decided to crawl home. When he got back to his house he pulled himself up using the door handle but as soon as he let go he fell over again. He had to crawl up the stairs and managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep. When he finally woke up the next morning his wife asked him what he was doing at the pub last night. He denied it but she said, "I know you were there..." he maintained his innocence until "...the barman rang to say you forgot your wheelchair again...."

A man enters his local bar holding a frog and an iguana. He sets them down on the bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of." "Ok," says the bartender. "How 'bout 'Blue Moon'?" The man whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing blue moon. "That's amazing," says the bartender as he slaps down $1000. "I'll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that to." "Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana. You're on. Have him sing the Star Spangled Banner." The man whispers something to the iguana and it sings the Star Spangled Banner. As the bartender hands over another $1000, a businessman comes up and says, "I just saw that and I was amazed. I want to buy your iguana for $100,000." The man said ok, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and the businessman left. The bartender said "What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!" The man said "Oh, the iguana can't sing. The frog's a ventriloquist."